We always know!

Dating.

What a joke.

I get it, dating a widow can't be easy.
Sure, I have baggage.
I will always love S.
No matter what.

But men now days, are just idiots.
The grass is always greener on the other side  
"You May Think The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side - But If You Take The Time To Water Your Own Grass it Would Be Just As Green".
Technology makes MEN think they can "digitally" cheat, and not get caught.
MEN will look us straight in the face and lie.
When we know you are full of shit.

What they don't understand, is woman are effin smart.
We know.
We always know!

Even if we don't know, our gut instincts and heart know.
Just takes our brain a while to accept it.

MEN feed us full of shit, and soon as we start falling for them, bam.
They turn into a fucking idiot!

For all the men out there that think you are cleaver and will get away with it...
You won't.

She will know.

And guess what? She deserves FAR better then YOU.

Quotes

This is a ongoing list of quotes that I find and enjoy.

"Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it." -Thomas Fuller 


You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. ~ Barbara De Angelis


“Live life so completely that when death comes to you like a thief in the night, there will be nothing left for him to steal.”


Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~ Harvey Fierstein 


"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." — Marilyn Monroe


They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies. — William Penn


"This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like it." - Unknown


This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." — Marilyn Monroe

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson”


"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe 


“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford”


"I've never dropped anyone I believed in. ~ Marilyn Monroe"


"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." - Author unknown


"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
- Audrey Hepbur


This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." — Marilyn Monroe

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson”

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepbur

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford”

"I've never dropped anyone I believed in. ~ Marilyn Monroe"

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." - Author unknown

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. -Elbert Hubbard
“But mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. And I didn’t know if I’d ever even wanted to get up and start breathing again.” - Sarah Dessen

"If everything is under control, you are going too slow." - Mario Andrett

In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. ~Author Unknown

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."
— Dave Barry

Life is not a right, but rather a privilege. ~ Nickleback

" I am not afraid of the storms, because I am learning how to sail my ship" ~Louisa Mae Alcott~

" It is a true friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

You don't necessarily decide who walks into your life, but you can decide who you let stay & who you let go!

"Never judge a widow's progress by your own or anyone else's experience. Grief does not come in 'One size fits all.' We each are unique; and so is our grief." ~ Annie Estlun

Movie Review: Here comes the boom

I went to a pre-screening of here comes the boom.

Here comes the boom was a hilarious movie.
It was funny, exciting and suspenseful.
Good work!

Here comes the boom is being released into theaters Oct 12th.

Psychic visit - 2/25/2011

Written February 25th, 2011

Yesterday I went to see a psychic. Her name is Debbie, I highly recommend her. Her phone # is 801-942-4002. She is at 1421 East Fort Union Blvd.

The session started out with her asking me to make two wishes, and not tell her what they are. I wished for happiness and direction.

The first thing she said was that I am a demanding person, and things are my way or the highway. She said I have lost some relationships due to that.

She said there is a man in my life that thinks the world of me, and loves me, but I am unsure how I feel about him. (True).

She asked what is the pain, frustration, and jealousy that my family has against me. I said I’m pretty sure there isn’t any in my family. I don’t fight with my family. She said they are talking behind my back about how bad of a person I am and about all the wrong decisions I have made. I said this can’t be about my family, it has to be about S.’s family. She said they blame me for something, and it was something I had no control over. I explained that weeks after S.’s death, they told me it was my fault he killed himself. She said they are very angry with me, and believe it is my fault. She said there is two of S.’s siblings that want a relationship with me, and have been trying to reach out to me. One is a sister and one is a brother. The brother has been standing up to the family for me, and telling them look.. we never gave S.'s wife a chance when S. was alive, it’s time we give her a chance. She said there is a step sister or sister in law, that has always been very jealous of me, and does not like me. She said they are toxic, and draining the life out of me.

I asked her about S... asked why it happened. She asked if drugs were involved, and I said not that I know of, the toxicology showed none in his system.. but he was on prescription drugs.. she said that’s why she feels sedated. She said he felt like everything he did, he failed at. That everything kept blowing up in his face. He felt like his friends and family never cared enough to get to know the new (bipolar) S., and didn’t care about him. He felt like he couldn’t talk to me about it, because I was increasingly frustrated with his bipolar. He felt like I would get frustrated and mad at him, and he didn’t want to put me through anymore pain. He was in a lot of pain, I was in a lot of pain, he was tired of seeing me suffer, and decided it was the best outcome for both of us.

 She said he doesn’t blame me, has no anger towards me, and there is nothing I could have done differently.

She said that he is with me every second of every day, that he never leaves my side. I asked her if he sends me signs, she said he does, but he says I don’t notice them. She said he turns on and off electronics and turns the volume up and down. He turns lights on and off. If I have lost something, he puts it in a place I will find it. Normally the place I have looked a million times, thinking that’s where I left it.. he will move it to that place.

(back story.. I couple weeks ago I had the stereo in my car randomly turn the volume up. Last weekend, I had my TV acting up. The screen would go green, then turn off, then turn back on. It did that like 4 times, and I was thinking that’s effing great, I need to buy a new TV now??)

She said I have a lot of guardian angels. She said one was assigned to me when I was born. I have one that seems to be a great grandma or great aunt that I took care of in her last years on earth. (That is my grandma p.). She said my grandma has been trying to force me to go to a psychic for months, but I kept chickening out and didn’t have the guts to go (SOOO true). She said that my grandma made certain that I went yesterday, she forced me to go. I felt like I had to go, for direction.. so I guess that explains that.

I asked her about the afterlife, is there is one, and where S. is. She said there is a heaven, there isn’t a hell.. but there is a place in between heaven and earth. She said S. is in that in-between place. She said because he committed suicide, he has to basically prove to god that he deserves to go to heaven that suicide is never in god’s plan. She said S. is scared, lost, and doesn’t know how to get to heaven. She said I can help him by telling him to go to the light. Telling him I don’t need him here anymore. She said that she can feel how much S.loves me, and the amount of love he has for me takes her breath away, and is some of the most intense love she has ever felt.

She said I need to change careers. She said that the place I am working, I am at the top of the ladder, and will never advance. She said I am not happy working there, and need to do what makes me happy. She said she thinks I should quit my job, and do photography or go to school to be a vet tech. That she can see how much I love animals. When she said that, I almost fell out of my chair. Being a vet tech is my dream job, and I have been putting it off because.. well I don’t know why. I didn’t tell her those were my dream jobs. She said she wants me to go to school for a vet tech. That through my new job, I will meet the “one” I am supposed to marry. She said I will meet him between now and the next two years. He will be 7” taller than me, have blue or hazel eyes, with dark hair. That he will be financially stable, so I can be a vet tech, and not worry about how little of money I will make doing that. She said we will have a daughter, and son. She said once I have my dream job, and meet the one, everything will fall in place.. that I will be the happiest I have ever been, S. will finally be happy, and we will all feel at peace.

She said my family will be safe and happy. That there is no health problems coming up for me. She said I need to get a handle on my anxiety and panic attacks, and I need to have my blood pressure checked, and keep an eye on it for the rest of my life. She said I would live a long healthy life if I did that.

She said we can help S. pass over faster by praying. We ended the session by lighting a candle, and praying. She said he should pass over within 3 days, that by the 4^th night I should be able to sleep without medication. Once I can sleep without medication, is how I will know he has passed over.

Written March 10th, 2011

Written March 10th, 2011

I had a pretty weird dream about S. last night.

I dreamed we were going to celebrate S.'s dad’s birthday. I called S. in heaven, to tell him about the party, and see if he could come.

I went to the party, and S. was there. S.’s brother looks exactly like S... Anyway, S.'s brother was crying, saying sorry it’s going to be a rough party with S. there. S. started talking about killing himself. He was saying he couldn’t believe how bad he bled, that blood was all over him, and all over the ground.. and everyone at the party was looking at him like mmm.. kay?

We were then sitting around the kitchen table eating.  S. was saying how bad of a hangover he had from partying the night before. And I said “Wait, you still get hangovers in heaven??” He started poking his arm with a fork, gave me a really weird look, and said “What do you mean in heaven?”. I turned to my mom, and said “I’m having a horrible dream, aren’t I?” she shook her head yes and said something to the effect of I’m sorry. I dreamed I woke up in the house I grew up in. I was in my childhood bed, bawling hysterically. My mom came in, and was holding me and playing with my hair. I asked her for a glass of vodka (k in my dream, its middle of the night), and she goes and gets it. I start drinking it, and then my family was talking about going 4 wheeling, and me saying I wasn’t up to it. I remember my cousin bitching at me, saying I never want to do anything.

I was jolted out of my sleep by my work cell phone ringing. It was like 5:30am, my co-worker was calling me to tell me she wasn’t going to work today because she was sick.

Once I hung up with her, I was hysterical. I haven’t cried that hard in months. I laid in bed for probably a good 45 mins just hysterical.

It’s so weird how in my dreams I always know he’s dead, and he is here to visit. It’s a horrible feeling waking up to a empty bed after dreaming about him.

Tips from a non recovered insomniac

I have been suffering from insomnia for 5 years now.
Here is some tricks that I have learned help me. (This is a ongoing list).

Updated 9/14/12

- Try to keep a normal sleep schedule.
- Try to get 9 hours of sleep every night.
- I know that if I miss one night of sleep, it sets off slipper slope of no sleep and severe anxiety.
- I don't lay in bed for longer then 20 mins trying to fall asleep. I get up and read, take a bubble bath, etc.
- I don't try to do it on my own anymore. When I know I can't sleep, I don't try to do it alone. I take ambien.
- I got a scentsy burner in my bedroom. I keep it filled with the French Lavender Wax. The scent puts me to sleep, and the light from it keeps me calm when I have a night tare. I don't wake up to a completely dark room when I am in the middle of a full blown panic attack.
- I have Lenny the lamb that I keep filled with french lavender as well. Yes I sleep with a stuffed animal. But I snuggle out to him, and his lovely lavender smell, puts me to sleep.
- I don't do anything that takes a lot of brain power within a hour of bed time. I don't write a blog (yes, that takes too much work), I try to not think about problems.I try to not think about the past. Otherwise my brain will start over thinking, and I will lay awake thinking about it.
- I use a white noise app on my phone. The new casa is TOO quite! So quite that when I'm trying to fall asleep, my ears start ringing. I have my app set to be on for 45 mins, then it fades out. I like the dishwasher setting with a splash of rain. I love it.
- I keep my room cold and my bed warm.
- Alcohol makes me not sleep well.
- Exercise puts my ass to sleep. AM work outs are not my friend, but night works lovely.
- I removed all clocks out of my bedroom. Otherwise the alarm clock stares at me, taunting me, of how much sleep I'm not getting.

This is some small tips that help me a lot. This is a ongoing list which I may or may not add to.

Blog Post From Mar. 28th, 2011

March 28th, 2011

So I had a interesting dream Saturday afternoon. I dreamed that S. was here visiting me from Heaven (in my dreams, I always know he’s visiting from heaven). Anyways, I asked him why he doesn't come and visit me more. He said because he killed himself, he is being punished, so he has to get approval from god to come see me. He said he is in counseling working on himself and his relationship with God, and he is hoping in the future he will be allowed to come see me whenever he wants.

 I told him that I went and saw a physic, and she told me that he messes with electronics to let me know he is there. I told him I don’t notice it, and he needs to make it more obvious that it’s him, and not just a electronic malfunction. He said ok.

The dream ended as it always does, with him telling me he has to get back to heaven, then I woke up.

 So I get up, and run to an appointment I had, I am sick as hell, but decided I couldn't put it off any longer. As I was pulling out of my neighborhood, the volume on my car stereo turns down, then off. That’s the second time I have had my car stereo turn up / down.

I truly question my thoughts on the afterlife at this point.

Teeny, Tiny, Purple flowers

Days after My Vegas Debut, G. sent me flowers that had the EXACT, Teeny, Tiny, purples flowers that were in my dream.

Now my question for you -
What kind of flowers are these?

Any why was the makeup artist covering my nipples with this certain flower?

And isn't life a lil ironic?

My Vegas Debut

I had a dream I was the main role in a play in Vegas.

I was Rapunzel.

I flew to Vegas, and went straight to my makeup artist.

I knew my costume was a white, fishnet body stocking, with a black thong.

The makeup artists job was to cover my nipples with fresh flowers.

He started with teeny, tiny, purple flowers. Each flower was so tiny, that he had to use tweezers to handle them.

He finally got the teeny, tiny, purple flowers glued to my nipples.

Days after this dream, G. sent me flowers that had the same
purple flowers in it that was in my dream

They looked great!

Then it was time to put on my body stocking.

As I pulled up my body stocking, all of the flowers fell off.

I stripped my stocking off, and he started glueing them all back on.

Once the flowers were on (again) I pulled up my body stocking.

Once again, the flowers fell off.

We decided to go with daisies.

We decided on white and yellow daisies.

He glue them on, and they looked FAB!

I pulled on my body stocking, only to have the flowers fall off again.

At this point I can hear them starting the play.

The said my name, stated I would be Rapunzel.

Everyone was applauding and cheering.

I was freaking out.

I was seconds away from needing to be on stage, yet my nipples wouldn't stay covered.

I finally told my makeup artist, fuck this!

I don't care if my nipples show!

I then realized my nipples were covered in glue.

I couldn't go on stage with my nipples covered in glue!!

I was frantically trying to rub the glue off.

Then they called my name.
It was my time.

I realized nipples covered in glue wasn't the worst thing that ever happened.
Hell, my husband committed suicide.

I pulled up my body stalking.
And started walking out on stage,  looking sexy as shit..

Then I woke up.

After much research on google of nipple dreams, I realized
To dream of breasts means nourishment and your need to be nursed and cared for. To dream that you are topless and show off your breasts means you feel anxious and out of control about something. 

Out of control? 
Please.

Anonymous Post - She changed

One of the things I've struggled with is having a hard time with reconciling who my wife was at first. She was the one who I fell in love with and wanted to spend my life with. She made me laugh. She appreciated what I did. She didn't play silly games to see if I'd prove how much I really cared. She didn't expect me to spend a lot of money on her or do lots of flashy stuff. She was smart, liked to read, and even better liked to think. She wasn't very outgoing, but she had a wicked sense of humor. She also liked it that I liked to make her laugh. She knew how badly it sucked to be cheated on, and as a result appreciated loyalty and wasn't going to cheat on me.

In the end, she was someone else. She was angry and withdrawn. More and more often, when I'd see her at the end of the day, she would talk for just a minute or two before saying that she was in too crappy of a mood at the time. Maybe we'd get to spend time together....later. She would sometimes start screaming and yelling and pounding on things when she'd get upset. Over time, it took less and less to get her upset enough to flip out like that. She'd say that she appreciated me doing so much to help out and take care of the house and all, but it seemed less and less that she wanted to actually be around me. Before she killed herself, she told me she was going to take off for a couple of days to work some things out. Little did I know she was leaving to kill herself. After all, she'd taken off once before and, when she came back, told me it'd been to work some things out.

Sometimes it's hard to put those together into a sense of one person. Abstractly, I intellectually know that both were true, and they were things about and done by her. The feel of it, though, is hard to put together. I don't know how to get those to come together so it's just one person I'm thinking of or recalling. I don't know how long it's going to take before that's going to happen. I don't know what it'll take to make it happen. I just hope that the time comes that it feels like it's just all been about one person.

Anonymous Blog - Sleeping Pills

Sleeping pills have always scared me. My family has a history of addiction and of using sleeping pills. So needless to say I was concerned when I started having some insomnia and my Dr gave me some sleeping pills. Well I knew the insomnia was causing a number of other problems in my life so I just sucked up my fear and took the pills for a few days. Well BINGO! they worked. I slept through the night, felt rested in the morning, my anxiety slowly went away and I started sleeping normally again. So I didn't take the pills. I have taken them from time to time when I have needed to insure that I got a good nights sleep but never more than a day or two a week as I did not want to become dependent on them. 

Well here is my problem, I have some really high stress things going on work wise in my life and they are beginning to cause me to loose sleep again. I don't have trouble falling asleep but I have a real hard staying asleep. This is starting to let my anxiety slowly to begin creeping up which also does not make me happy. So it has been advised to me that while this high stress situation continues, which will be for about 4 to 5 weeks, I should just take a pill every night before bed to ensure a good night sleep. Being groggy, sleep deprived and anxious really just makes things worse, so I understand the logic behind taking a pill every night to ensure that doesn't happen. I still have that same old fear of addiction or dependence though so not entirely sure what to do. Everything I have read for the most part indicates the pills I have are not addicting but then some do report withdrawl symptoms. SO I just don't know. I do know one thing though for SURE. I am taking one tonight. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings tomorrow.

Anonymous Post - Sex after the death of my spouse

One of the things I've struggled with since my spouse died is sex. On the one hand, I've really missed the sense of contact and connection, the closeness, and the purely physical enjoyment.  Heck, I also miss the idea of making someone else feel good, knowing I'm still at least capable of that, and having someone else care enough to return the favor.  I'm not the one who died, and part of being alive is still noticing the opposite sex, still wanting that.

At the same time, part of me still feels more than a little uncomfortable about the idea of being in bed with someone else.  I know part of it comes from having been married as long as I was.  I was never unfailthful during that time.  Sure, I noticed other people who were attractive, but anything beyond that would pretty quickly make me more than a little uncomfortable.  It got pretty well ingrained in me that being married meant that sex was something between me and my spouse...and not anyone else.  Now I'm finding that knowing that I'm essentially single again (at least as far as that goes) hasn't gotten through to that part of my brain that says that everyone else is off-limits.

So now I get to deal with being torn between wanting and sometimes hungering for someone else to be in bed with and a powerful aversion to that idea.  I know that there's no right answer, that this is one of those things we each get to figure out and deal with for ourselves.  No-one can give "The Right Answer" for it.  And it doesn't help that in the last few years my spouse was alive our sex life was getting increasingly strained and increasingly infrequent. Thinking back on the good times we'd spent with each other in that way is very difficult, too, as the reminder of what used to be and now is gone hurts, too.  Then again, so does remembering the times where things didn't work so well.

Since my spouse died, I have had sex with someone else.  Physically, it still feels good.  I'm glad to know I can still enjoy touching and being touched.  It is reassuring that it seems like those times have been mutually enjoyable, that that part of me isn't irrevocably broken.  At the same time, it feels bizarre when the old habits of what my spouse liked don't match up with who else I've been with. I've also found that I've kept part of myself shut off from them. I'm not ready to open up that much to anyone else right now.  It frankly has me worried, at least at times, about whether I'll ever be able to be that open with someone again, that it'll become making love once more and not just having sex.

And it sometimes makes me wonder if it's worth it to bother at all anymore.  I generally know the answer to that, especially for the long-term, but that doesn't change those times when I get tired of feeling confused and hurt and scared and angry.  I hate having those kinds of feelings associated with something that can be so wonderful and beautiful.  I guess that's just going to be part of working through that aspect of living longer than a spouse and having to figure out how do more than just survive.

Survivors of suicide round table

I was asked to go Camp Widow East 2012 to lead the suicide survivor round table.

I jumped at the chance.
I didn't have to think twice about it.

Sure I was scared.
Thought "What if I cry??".
"What if I suck and I am no help to these survivors?"
I was pretty much terrified.

There was 11 of us. All different kinds of ages and suicides.
Some stories were similar.
Yet too complicated to compare to another.

I was taught so much from this group of woman.
I went into the round table thinking I could help them, if even in a tiny way.

Little did I know what I would learn from them.

I was reminded above a previous realization I had.
That was that S.'s suicide could have been worse.
Some of the things these woman experienced, should never have been brought into their life.
No one should have to experience these things.

Some of the suicides were a complete shock.
Some had a long battle with mental illness.
Some chose not to share their story.
Some have not told people their husband died from suicide.

Some are further out from the death date then me. And seeing how much pain they are still in, shattered my hope.
I keep thinking, eh, next year, I will be over this, and life will be beautiful.
Seeing these woman still suffering, was a shock.
It was a reality check.

I also knew suicide widows were in a different "class" then "other" widows.

But, I realized how different we actually are.
There is a betrayal that comes with suicide.
There is a sense of being abandoned.
There isn't a lot of people that "get it".
Even other widows don't get it.

Talking to these woman was hard.
Making them feel safe was hard.
I didn't think I could get them to feel safe.
I didn't think I could help them feel heard.
I think suicide widows are silenced.
Because no one wants to hear the awful reality of what suicide causes.

I learned that a lot of suicide widows suffer in silence.
They have no safe place to spill their anger, pain, embarrassment.

I was also struck by the fact that I am still ashamed my husband killed himself.
Ashamed that I wasn't a good enough wife or friend to keep him alive.
I know deep down in my heart, I did everything I could have to save S.
But I still feel like a failure.

I failed at the one thing that mattered most to me in this life.

Most of all, I learned I want to protect these woman.
I want to hug them every morning
And tell them it's going to be ok.

I don't ever want a widow to suffer in silence.

This is why I created the Anonymous blog
I want everyone to have a safe place to say whatever it is they need to say.
Without having to worry about being judge.
I want everyone to have a safe place to say anything - widowed or not.

"Secrets keep us sick. They keep us in shame and 
uncertainty."

Anonymous blog - I'm afraid

I realized something today. I am scared to death of losing my job. I have never been scared of that before because I have always felt that I am a great employee. I work hard, I do what I am told, make money for my company and really don't complain much. All and all I feel like I have always been a great asset to any company. I have also always been recruited by competitors but have remained loyal to my employer. All of those things have raised my self esteem, made me feel like I was a good man, that I was worth something. I know what you are saying, a job  is what we do, not who we are. I know that, I have always been the first one to say that to others but now I am a truly scared of losing my job, I realized that deep down I am feeling my self worth being very tied to the job I do. I feel like if I lose my job or take a cut in pay that I am not worth as much as a man.  So the problem with this is that I am now in a relationship and this deep seated fear is causing problems. First off I am starting to think about a real future with this lady. That we may build a life together. So my fear of losing my job, my fear of losing my worth as a man, is starting to manifest itself in my fear of losing my girlfriend. Cause ya know if I cannot be a good provider than she will leave me. I know that is not true. I know that I am worth more than what I do. I know that I am a good boyfriend and who knows I might just make a good husband too one day.  HOWEVER I am allowing these fears and insecurities to cause problems in my relations that are real. I am taking out my stress on my Girlfriend and she has no real idea why. I am snapping at little insignificant things which is totally unfair to her. She doesn't deserve to have me take my stress out on her. See I am really bad at telling people what I am afraid of, or what I am really stressed out about. So I keep shit like that all bottled up and then it comes bursting out at the dumbest shit and gets directed at the person I love the most. So while I know she will not leave me if I were to lose my job, I am certain, that unless I can learn to communicate better, tell her how I am feeling, become truly vulnerable with her and stop keeping all my fears and insecurities bottled up, she will leave me.  It wasn't until today did I realize all of this. I don't know why I am telling you, a complete bunch of strangers, all of this. I guess it was that I realize that in this current economic climate, how so many people can lose hope in themselves because so many of us truly feel our self worth is linked to our economic prosperity. That we are what we do. That we allow ourselves to be defined by our jobs. I know that just the fear of losing my job is playing havoc with my self esteem I can only imagine how I would be feeling if I actually lost my job. The good thing is that I realize this now. I can work on not allowing myself to be defined by what i do. That my self esteem should not and will not be tied to my job situation. I am more than that and better than that.  So if I lose my job it will suck but most importantly I have people that love me and I will find something else to do to earn a living. See I am a good employee and I guess what? I was looking for a job when I found this one and I will just find another one. Someone reminded me that "the best things in life are not things".

Antidepressants

Around the 8 month mark of S.'s death, I fell into a very scary depression.
I have never experienced depression like that.
I didn't care if I lived or died.
I didn't care to eat or get out of the house.
I just slept.
And cried.
A lot.

I was put on lamictal before S. died. I have been on that for probably 4 years.

I was then put on zoloft + lamictal.

About 6 months ago I couldn't stand how tired I was.
My doctor took me off zoloft and put me on celexa.

I cut down (slowly) off lamictal, and have been off it since June-ish.
Coming off lamictal was pretty easy.

My energy level is better, but I am still so fucking tired!

I have put a ton of thought into my medication.
I have wondered if it shields me from my grief.
If it's just a band-aid that covers up my grief.

I don't think I have depression anymore.
I do care if I live or die now.

But who knows if that's the medication or the amount of time it's been since S. died that has made me care about myself again.

I have decided to take the final leap, and come off celexa.

BUT....
I am scared shitless.
If I end up in the depression I was in again, I will probably have to be hospitalized.

I don't think I was suicidal, but my doctor says I was.

Apparently not giving a shit if you get hit by a train is suicidal.

I don't know if I can fight through that again without being hospitalized.
I don't know if I have the strength left.

In the last 9 months, I have quit drinking every day
I have bought and moved to a new home.
Enjoyed Christmas with my family, without much grief or missing S.
I have successfully come off lamictal.
I lived through the 2 year mark of S.'s death (And actually enjoyed my day with friends and family).
I lived through our 7 year wedding anniversary.

Now I am just done.
I am sober, and I want to be completely sober.

So celexa, starting tonight, we will slowly separate ourselves from each other.

Just like my dear friend alcohol, we can not be friends anymore.

So celexa, please enjoy yourself over the next 3 to 5 weeks.
After that, pack your shit.
Your out.

And friends, you have been warned!
If I suddenly lose my shit, and eat your face off.
I'm sorry.

Lenny at Camp Widow 2012

After weeks of bitching, I finally agreed to let Lenny join me in San Diego for Camp Widow.

Lenny spent most of the weekend sleeping.

But he joined us one night for drinks.

We went to dinner at Busters Beach House. Amazing food.

As Lenny is slurping down his margarita, I realized he was about to drink a heart.

Lenny, please don't drink the heart.

I have a secret

I have a secret.

I met someone. His name is Lenny.

Lenny came into my life on December 25th, 2011.

I asked my mom Santa for Lenny.

Santa brought me Lenny. I had no idea how helpful Lenny would be in my life.

He sleeps with me every night.

His soft fur is great for wiping away tears.

The best part of it all, he doesn't talk.
Ever.

Lately Lenny has been bugging me.

He wants a spot in my blog.

"Your blog is depressing, angry, cold, dark and scary. My life is Coo, and full of happy, fun filled adventures. You could blog my adventures. Make your blog happy and smell fab".

Lenny says.

With much battles, I have decided to shut Lenny up give Lenny his very own spot in my blog.

So here we go.

Meet Lenny!

I came home and found Lenny like this in my bed.

I don't ask questions about his sex life.

He doesn't ask questions about mine.

Good Vs. Great

While at Camp Widow West Coast 2012 I listened to a speech Michele Hernandez did about her life.

What I got from the speech was Good vs Great.

Let me back track a lil.

I have been dating a great guy for a couple of months.

He is amazing.

He has given me the sense of safety and security my life has been missing.
It's been missing for 5 years now.

He loves me.
He misses me.
He is my sideline cheerleader.
He is my best friend.

And I secretly need that.

We will call him G.

Fast forward to today.

While listening to Michele talk, she was talking about choosing good vs great.

I realized I live my life in the good.
I choose not to live in the great.

Why?

Well I had great.
And it died.
I never want to go through that again.

G. is older then me.
The widow inside me screams "He could DIE".

He could suddenly decide to break up with me.

He could shatter my heart.
The heart I am still glueing back together.
Piece by piece.
Day by day.

Second by second.

So I have chosen to live in the good.
Not the great.

Because if G. dies, and I am only living in the good..
I don't lose the great.
All over again.

And of course, because I'm not losing the great, his death (or our break up) would be so much easier.

I have unknownly held my life back.

To live in the good.

It's better to be good.
Rather then great.

Because with great comes great pain and sorrow.

Today I cried because I realized I deserve great.
And I am stopping great from being in my life.

Today I choose to live great.
And I'm going to have to learn to be good at living great.

Missed phone call

You see, I always have the people I talk to the most, programmed in my phone as A Joe Blow. Or A Mom
Then it's listed first in my contacts (A starts the alphabet!).

I somehow put my contacts in my moms phone and I haven't fixed it.

Anyway. My momma has been sickly, so she went to take a cold bath.

When she got out, she had a missed call.

Missed call from A Husband at 8:08pm on 7/24/12. His phone number, the way I programmed it in my phone.

This is the second time this has happened to her. Last time was in January 2012. Back then I called the number, to find it had a new owner.. I told him I had the wrong number.
Sad day to find out your DH's phone number has been given away.

We have a TON of weird stuff happen around us. I can't even begin to list them all.

This week, my smoke alarm(s) randomly started beeping.

I walked from room to room, trying to find the smoke detector.
It wouldn't stop.
I would walk out of the room.
As soon as my ass hit the couch, it would beep again.
It went on for like an hour.
It finally stopped when I was getting ready to rip all of them out of the ceiling.
He saw my crazy and was like "Oh fuck, stop! I pushed her insane!"


Today in light of the phone call news, I am starting to think the smoke alarms were S.

Last year I went to a psychic. She told me S. messes with electronics, but he says I don't realize it.
Turns the light off, etc.

I thought I would document this phone call.
And I'll start documenting all the random shit that happens to me and my mom (she gets a ton of stuff, jealous!).

I promise.

Surprise dinner

I had a dream I surprised S. with dinner at a new fancy restaurant.
When we got there, they told us it was by reservation only.
I was butt hurt, I wanted to surprise him.

S. said we have reservations under my name.
I was excited. He was surprising me with dinner at the same restaurant I wanted to surprise him with!!

The waiter came, and took us to a waiting room.
He told S. "It's time to get you ready". Him and S. walked off.
I could see them at the table. The waiter was doing S.'s hair, putting make up on him, etc.
Getting him ready for our date.

I sat in the waiting room, I could hear the people and waiters cheering. They were getting ready to announce the best dressed table. Everyone had fireworks, and was rushing around to get back to their tables.


I sat there, looking at all the plants I was surrounded by.
There was one I thought was really cool.
It was a round fish bowl, filled with water, with  moss growing on the bottom. On the top of the water, it had long pink flowers growing.
I remember thinking so simple, yet so pretty.

A woman came in and sat down next to me.
She said "Alright, from one designer to another, what do you think of my plants? What would you want delivered to you? Flowers in a vase or a plant?"
I said her designs were beautiful, I would rather have a plant, or flowers, that I can plant in my yard. I said "Sure, flowers are nice, but I they die.. I want something I can keep forever".
I told her how pretty her design with the fish bowl was. It was so simple, yet gorgeous!

Around this time, S. came in. Said "Alright, it's time to get you ready".
He started putting makeup on me and doing my hair.
He said "There, you look beautiful".
I said "Can I see my makeup?" Reaching my hand out for the mirror.
He said no.
I was like "AH Come on!!"
He handed me the mirror, and I was surprised at how pretty my makeup looked.
I had a brownish eye shadow on, dark pink lip gloss, and glitter all over my face.
I looked at him, he looked so handsome.
So real.
So alive.

I was wearing a levi skirt, with black knee high stalkings and black boots.
He was wearing a white, button up dress shirt, with black slacks.
He looked like the person I married years ago.
Our waiter then came and said "your car is here".

We got into the limo.
It drove us up a cobble rock road, through the mountains.

We got to a log cabin in the woods.
I remember looking at the cobble rock road, admiring it's beauty.

When we walked into the cabin, there was a older lady in the kitchen cooking.
She said "Aw, you are here just in time".
She hands S. a roll of wax paper, and says, "Will you please say grace?".
We sat at the table, and her husband joined us.

As we sat down, S. said "I don't pray to god".
The older man said "Well then who do you pray to?".
S. said "John Doe" (I don't remember the name he said, so that's what I'm going with).
The older man said "Why do you pray to John Doe? The only thing he accomplished was successfully committing suicide".
S. said "Exactly. I admire that. I can't even kill myself, with multiple attempts under my belt. I live with the pain that I can't even kill myself successfully".

I remember sitting in my chair, suddenly flooded with the memory of his attempts.
Hurting that the only person he prayed to, was someone that successfully killed himself.

I was then woken up by my alarm.

The dream was so real.
S. looked so amazing.
The date was so perfect.
Until it ended with reality.