Survivors of suicide round table

I was asked to go Camp Widow East 2012 to lead the suicide survivor round table.

I jumped at the chance.
I didn't have to think twice about it.

Sure I was scared.
Thought "What if I cry??".
"What if I suck and I am no help to these survivors?"
I was pretty much terrified.

There was 11 of us. All different kinds of ages and suicides.
Some stories were similar.
Yet too complicated to compare to another.

I was taught so much from this group of woman.
I went into the round table thinking I could help them, if even in a tiny way.

Little did I know what I would learn from them.

I was reminded above a previous realization I had.
That was that S.'s suicide could have been worse.
Some of the things these woman experienced, should never have been brought into their life.
No one should have to experience these things.

Some of the suicides were a complete shock.
Some had a long battle with mental illness.
Some chose not to share their story.
Some have not told people their husband died from suicide.

Some are further out from the death date then me. And seeing how much pain they are still in, shattered my hope.
I keep thinking, eh, next year, I will be over this, and life will be beautiful.
Seeing these woman still suffering, was a shock.
It was a reality check.

I also knew suicide widows were in a different "class" then "other" widows.

But, I realized how different we actually are.
There is a betrayal that comes with suicide.
There is a sense of being abandoned.
There isn't a lot of people that "get it".
Even other widows don't get it.

Talking to these woman was hard.
Making them feel safe was hard.
I didn't think I could get them to feel safe.
I didn't think I could help them feel heard.
I think suicide widows are silenced.
Because no one wants to hear the awful reality of what suicide causes.

I learned that a lot of suicide widows suffer in silence.
They have no safe place to spill their anger, pain, embarrassment.

I was also struck by the fact that I am still ashamed my husband killed himself.
Ashamed that I wasn't a good enough wife or friend to keep him alive.
I know deep down in my heart, I did everything I could have to save S.
But I still feel like a failure.

I failed at the one thing that mattered most to me in this life.

Most of all, I learned I want to protect these woman.
I want to hug them every morning
And tell them it's going to be ok.

I don't ever want a widow to suffer in silence.

This is why I created the Anonymous blog
I want everyone to have a safe place to say whatever it is they need to say.
Without having to worry about being judge.
I want everyone to have a safe place to say anything - widowed or not.

"Secrets keep us sick. They keep us in shame and 
uncertainty."