Weirdness in My Land

There’s some weird energy in my life right now.

The other night, I got a frantic message from a co-worker that she had a dream about S.

The dream went as follows:

She was watching herself sleep (In the bedroom she has now), when S. walked in and walked up to her. He blew in her face and yelled “Wake up!” She sat up in bed, and he was rambling on. He was talking to fast and angry for her to understand. She told him to slow down, she didn’t understand. He grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her, and said “Fucking listen to me, this is important! I need you to watch M. really close. Especially at work. Watch every step she takes. I need you to take care of her and protect her, especially when she is driving away.” She then woke up.

The dream was so real, she was confused how she just woke up when in her dream she was already awake, and how S. was just standing in her bedroom, then was gone.

She said S. was very agitated, panicked, and in a rush.

I chalked it up to the recent car problems I have had (Details at the bottom) but decided to take extra precaution with driving. I have people run red lights on me probably twice a month, happens constantly, so I’m always watching, waiting for someone to run the light. I made a mental note to be careful driving, be careful driving drowsy (thanks insomnia), and to be careful because of my car problems.

 I seriously just thought my co-worker was worried about me because I was recently locked in my car with no way to escape.

This morning I had a dream that my friend texted me and said “S. is really pissed off, something is wrong!” When I got the text, I knew S. was dead.. and I knew he had been dead for a while, so I was confused by my friends message. I dialed my friend’s number, put the phone to my ear, then my alarm went off, waking me up.

I thought it was a weird dream. I planned on texting my friend later in the day and telling him about the dream, but first I had to get ready for work.

As I was getting ready for work, I heard my phone go off.. this is like 6:30am. The only person that texts that early is my boss. I checked my phone… and well, the friend I dreamed about had text me, had a dream about S. last night.

Here’s his dream:

So here is my dream as best as I can remember and some of it I don’t think makes much damn sense. Some of it is really clear, like I am clear about sitting at my desk right now, other parts are foggy and hazy like I can’t tell if they were real or what.

So it starts with S. and I sitting at what looks like a sports bar. It reminds me of the Bout Time by the E Center. We are sitting there at a tall table with two big beers in front of us. He is ranting about how I don’t understand how serious this is. I don’t have any idea what he is talking about but he is really irritated. I can’t tell if he is irritated with me or what he is ranting about. I had this sense though, which I really don’t have any idea about his size that he was much bigger than me. I know that sounds random but it was just a weird sense I got. Anyway, I was trying to calm him down so he would tell me what I didn’t understand and what was so serious. The felling I got is the same one I get when T. is ranting about something. He just goes off and I have to try and calm him down to get to whatever it is he is ranting about. Anyway, He just kept telling me that I didn’t understand how serious this was. So I sort of barked back at him that “ I got it” this is serious but what do you want me to fucking do. He said I have to take care of M. To look out for her and protect her. That he knew that I would always protect you. That he needed to be able to count on me. So I reassured him that I would but that he needed to tell me what the fuck the problem was. He just said again that I didn’t or maybe it was possibly that I wouldn’t, understand how serious it was. He got up and left and I asked him where he was going, that he hadn’t finished his beer and that I still didn’t understand. He looked at me and said “ yes you do” and that he knew I would take care of you….

Then things get fuzzy..this is the part that I can’t get a lock on so to speak..What is clear about this is you and I sitting on a bed in a strange house. The bed was one of those old time beds with the metal head and foot board. Anyway, we were running or hiding from someone or something. Not clear..but we were hiding in this house in this bedroom. I had my arm around you with your head in my chest and kept telling you that I would not let anything happen to you. That you would be safe. I was kissing the top of your head. You were crying and upset but I just kept telling you not to worry. I would never let anyone or maybe it was anything get you. Then a loud noise like a siren or something from down stairs went off and I woke up..

So it was weird. The S. part like I said was pretty damn clear. The you part was more fuzzy, dream like, ummm distant to some degree. But I had a very strong emotion about you when I woke up. I still don’t know what the warning was about but he was clear that he knew he could count on me to care for and look after you. Which is very true but I find strange given what has happened between us and that I have not been present in your life for the last 6 mos or so. So anyway, that was what I remember about my dream last night. I didn’t or don’t remember any other dreams or having any dreams for weeks for that matter.

When my friend told me about his dream, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. How is it possible I dreamed my friend texting me that, when my friend is having this dream about S. at almost the exact same time??

I’m on edge. Several people in my life are on edge. 

I had to do the one thing I hate doing. Reminding my mother that if something did happen to me, what I would want. I wouldn’t want to be paralyzed or left on machines. My mom hates these conversations, but without a spouse.. those duties fall to my parents, and I don’t want them to ever question what I would or wouldn’t want.

One thing that is repeating in all 3 dreams is S.’s agitation about the situation.

Something is amiss somewhere, and I can’t figure out what it is, what these signs are, or hell.. what to even do with the information.

For now I will be extra cautious with everything I do (lock the doors, don’t go out alone at night, be safe driving) and will be updating my will, yet again.

(Car details, this happened last week-While driving my 2005 VW Jetta the other day, the car started dinging at me, indicating that the driver’s side door was open. I pulled over (on the side of the freeway), went to open my door, only to find out I could not open the door. Nor could I roll down the window. I was locked inside of my car, on the side of the freeway!)

FYI Volkswagen is aware of the design flaw and has not recalled this part. So if you found this blog looking for reviews on Volkswagen, I say run to Honda.

Report Card

I had a dream about S.

It goes -
I was getting in the shower, and he comes into the bathroom.
He says "Do you have my report card?"
I say "What report card?"

"You know, the one that showed I had a 4.0 and was graduating a year early?"

Me "No, I didn't keep that."
S. "Why?"
Me "Because you are dead, why would I have kept it?"
S. "Because I wanted it!!"
Me "You are DEAD! What in the hell do you need your report card for?"

To which S. looks at me like I am insane.

I then wake up.

I will never forget December 23rd, 2010.
I was supposed to be watching S. graduate college a year early with a 4.0.

Instead I was facing the fact that he took his own life, and facing my first Christmas without him.

PS: If he asks about his report card, I still have no idea what he is talking about. Please explain to him he doesn't need a report card in heaven.

Screaming

Written Sept 20th, 2010
Last night I was woken up from a dead sleep by S. yelling. 

It was so real, my earrings were ringing. I sat up straight in bed, realizing I am alone, and just heard him yell. I was shaking, upset, and scared to death.. I was terrified. That was the most frightened I have ever been in my whole life.

I couldn't get over the sound of his voice, almost like he was screaming? Unfortunately the jolt out of my sleep, made me forget what he said.. He said something like "This isn't right" or "Something is wrong", I can't remember exactly. I remember being confused about what isn't right?

I keep feeling like he is stuck somewhere between earth and heaven. Maybe he has unsettled business. Maybe that's what happens to a suicide victim.

But the fact that he is with me every night in my sleep is worry some. He should be up in heaven, doing his heavenly business, and not with me.

Dream from 11/16/10

A dream I had on 11/16/10

I had a dream right before my alarm went off. I dreamed me and S. were standing in my parents old house, in the kitchen.. It was before they had done all the remodeling.

I dreamed S. was hugging me and saying I love you and miss you soo soo much.. (He has said the soo soo much thing in several dreams now) I could smell his cologne and feel the squishiness of his chest. He was wearing his favorite hoodie (he is every time I dream about him). In my mind, I knew he was here from heaven, and our time was limited. As he was telling me how much he misses me and stuff, he started to disappear, and I knew it was time for him to go back to heaven. In my dream I was crying, and saying, please don't go yet, please just a little more time. The next thing I knew, we were snuggling in bed, and I was laying on his chest. He was telling me he has been watching his mom, and has seen how much she loves all the teachers (in my mind I kept thinking don't you mean students?). I remember I was really irritated, because we were on limited time, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about his mom.. I wanted to talk about us.
At the end of my dream, he told me something.. He said I am going to tell you something that is very important, so I need you to pay attention. He told me the important thing. then he told me it was time for him to go back, and I woke up. I sat up in bed crying (I think I was crying in my sleep) and was frantic trying to remember what he told me.. I couldn't remember.

It was so real. It's weird, normally when I dream, I am watching myself do whatever is going on. But when I dream about S., I am in my own body. And it's always so freaking real. I can remember every little details of my dreams with him.

I was frantic for several weeks trying to remember what the important message was. Through my counselor, she helped me get the message. The message was – I need you to pay attention.

Basically my life is a fog, and I am never paying attention.
I get it now.

Written March 10th, 2011

Written March 10th, 2011

I had a pretty weird dream about S. last night.

I dreamed we were going to celebrate S.'s dad’s birthday. I called S. in heaven, to tell him about the party, and see if he could come.

I went to the party, and S. was there. S.’s brother looks exactly like S... Anyway, S.'s brother was crying, saying sorry it’s going to be a rough party with S. there. S. started talking about killing himself. He was saying he couldn’t believe how bad he bled, that blood was all over him, and all over the ground.. and everyone at the party was looking at him like mmm.. kay?

We were then sitting around the kitchen table eating.  S. was saying how bad of a hangover he had from partying the night before. And I said “Wait, you still get hangovers in heaven??” He started poking his arm with a fork, gave me a really weird look, and said “What do you mean in heaven?”. I turned to my mom, and said “I’m having a horrible dream, aren’t I?” she shook her head yes and said something to the effect of I’m sorry. I dreamed I woke up in the house I grew up in. I was in my childhood bed, bawling hysterically. My mom came in, and was holding me and playing with my hair. I asked her for a glass of vodka (k in my dream, its middle of the night), and she goes and gets it. I start drinking it, and then my family was talking about going 4 wheeling, and me saying I wasn’t up to it. I remember my cousin bitching at me, saying I never want to do anything.

I was jolted out of my sleep by my work cell phone ringing. It was like 5:30am, my co-worker was calling me to tell me she wasn’t going to work today because she was sick.

Once I hung up with her, I was hysterical. I haven’t cried that hard in months. I laid in bed for probably a good 45 mins just hysterical.

It’s so weird how in my dreams I always know he’s dead, and he is here to visit. It’s a horrible feeling waking up to a empty bed after dreaming about him.

Blog Post From Mar. 28th, 2011

March 28th, 2011

So I had a interesting dream Saturday afternoon. I dreamed that S. was here visiting me from Heaven (in my dreams, I always know he’s visiting from heaven). Anyways, I asked him why he doesn't come and visit me more. He said because he killed himself, he is being punished, so he has to get approval from god to come see me. He said he is in counseling working on himself and his relationship with God, and he is hoping in the future he will be allowed to come see me whenever he wants.

 I told him that I went and saw a physic, and she told me that he messes with electronics to let me know he is there. I told him I don’t notice it, and he needs to make it more obvious that it’s him, and not just a electronic malfunction. He said ok.

The dream ended as it always does, with him telling me he has to get back to heaven, then I woke up.

 So I get up, and run to an appointment I had, I am sick as hell, but decided I couldn't put it off any longer. As I was pulling out of my neighborhood, the volume on my car stereo turns down, then off. That’s the second time I have had my car stereo turn up / down.

I truly question my thoughts on the afterlife at this point.

Surprise dinner

I had a dream I surprised S. with dinner at a new fancy restaurant.
When we got there, they told us it was by reservation only.
I was butt hurt, I wanted to surprise him.

S. said we have reservations under my name.
I was excited. He was surprising me with dinner at the same restaurant I wanted to surprise him with!!

The waiter came, and took us to a waiting room.
He told S. "It's time to get you ready". Him and S. walked off.
I could see them at the table. The waiter was doing S.'s hair, putting make up on him, etc.
Getting him ready for our date.

I sat in the waiting room, I could hear the people and waiters cheering. They were getting ready to announce the best dressed table. Everyone had fireworks, and was rushing around to get back to their tables.


I sat there, looking at all the plants I was surrounded by.
There was one I thought was really cool.
It was a round fish bowl, filled with water, with  moss growing on the bottom. On the top of the water, it had long pink flowers growing.
I remember thinking so simple, yet so pretty.

A woman came in and sat down next to me.
She said "Alright, from one designer to another, what do you think of my plants? What would you want delivered to you? Flowers in a vase or a plant?"
I said her designs were beautiful, I would rather have a plant, or flowers, that I can plant in my yard. I said "Sure, flowers are nice, but I they die.. I want something I can keep forever".
I told her how pretty her design with the fish bowl was. It was so simple, yet gorgeous!

Around this time, S. came in. Said "Alright, it's time to get you ready".
He started putting makeup on me and doing my hair.
He said "There, you look beautiful".
I said "Can I see my makeup?" Reaching my hand out for the mirror.
He said no.
I was like "AH Come on!!"
He handed me the mirror, and I was surprised at how pretty my makeup looked.
I had a brownish eye shadow on, dark pink lip gloss, and glitter all over my face.
I looked at him, he looked so handsome.
So real.
So alive.

I was wearing a levi skirt, with black knee high stalkings and black boots.
He was wearing a white, button up dress shirt, with black slacks.
He looked like the person I married years ago.
Our waiter then came and said "your car is here".

We got into the limo.
It drove us up a cobble rock road, through the mountains.

We got to a log cabin in the woods.
I remember looking at the cobble rock road, admiring it's beauty.

When we walked into the cabin, there was a older lady in the kitchen cooking.
She said "Aw, you are here just in time".
She hands S. a roll of wax paper, and says, "Will you please say grace?".
We sat at the table, and her husband joined us.

As we sat down, S. said "I don't pray to god".
The older man said "Well then who do you pray to?".
S. said "John Doe" (I don't remember the name he said, so that's what I'm going with).
The older man said "Why do you pray to John Doe? The only thing he accomplished was successfully committing suicide".
S. said "Exactly. I admire that. I can't even kill myself, with multiple attempts under my belt. I live with the pain that I can't even kill myself successfully".

I remember sitting in my chair, suddenly flooded with the memory of his attempts.
Hurting that the only person he prayed to, was someone that successfully killed himself.

I was then woken up by my alarm.

The dream was so real.
S. looked so amazing.
The date was so perfect.
Until it ended with reality.

Hiding suicide

I didn't sleep good last night.

I had a nightmare that seemed to last all night long.

I dreamed S. was back, and killed himself all over again.

Somehow I knew he was in my car, and I tracked down my car, and he wasn't in it.

There was pillows in the back seat, completely soaked in blood.


In the front seat, there was a bottle of some pink liquid. Something that I knew was some kind of poison to kill yourself with.


There was a suicide note (S. didn't leave one in real life). I can't remember what it said, but I remember it was like 6 pages long, and I was really pissed it didn't say anything about me. Not even an "I love you".

In my dream, I was frantically trying to clean up the blood. I had his blood all over me. Everything was soaking wet with blood. Everything I touched was wet.

I was soaking wet with his blood.

I was trying so hard to clean it up, and hide the fact that he killed himself AGAIN.

In my dream I remember thinking how ashamed S. was of his mental problems. I didn't want to world to know about his problems, because I knew he was ashamed. I didn't want the world to know he failed.

Again.

I haven't had dreams of S. and suicide. Not that I can remember. Now I have had one two nights in a row.

Today I am angry. Angry that I have to live with someone else's decision for the rest of my life.
Angry that it will never go away.
Sure it's gotten easier.
And will continue to get easier.
But I am fucking pissed that my reality is based off someone else's decision.

Pissed that it will never, ever, go away.

I am pissed. I am back at stage 3 - Anger

I know my brain is processing a lot. Things in life are going good, moving forward, but the lingering two year anniversary is eating at me slowly. How the fuck has it only been two years?

This didn't happen in this life. This was my last life. Somehow my past life and this life have gotten twisted together.

His suffering, my 3 years of suffering, his death, wasn't in this life.

Today I will call into work, get some sleep, and work on my crafty projects I have been working on.

Suicide all over again

I had a dream.

S. killed himself again.

Like he came back to life, and killed himself again.

My first thoughts were "Well shit, I've already done this, so this will be easy. I'll just do the funeral and everything the same as the first time!"

My second thought was "Fuck, he didn't fit in one urn the first time, which means I need to buy TWO urns again, what the fuck am I going to do with two urns which will equal FOUR urns??".

Note to self: Marry someone that weights less then 200lbs so he will fit in one urn.

High wind visit

Had a dream about S. last night.
I dreamt he as hugging me, I had my face barred in his chest.
He was hugging me so tight.
I never saw his face, my face was barred too deep in his chest.
I asked "Are you here from Heaven?"
He said "Yes, but I have to leave now".

All a sudden the wind was blowing SO hard.. blowing my hair and clothes. I could feel him getting sucked away from me from the wind.

He said "I have to go back"
I said "no no, just another minute please".
I was hugging him so tight, but I wasn't strong enough to hold him from getting sucked back.

Sometimes I wonder what is a dream, and what is a visit.