Guilt = It's ok

I have realized I don't miss the 3 years leading up to S.'s death.

It was a living hell.

I love him, always will, but I don't miss the person he became.

I miss the person I married. That I married SO long ago.

It's sad to look at those 3 years and think "I'm glad that portion of my life is gone".

I have felt guilt over it. What kind of wife doesn't miss the last 3 years of her husband's life?

I was tired of seeing him suffer. I was tired of suffering.

I was SO tired of the "WHAT IF".

It has taken me 2 years to stop living in the "what if".

The only "what if's" I have now is "If I don't do this, will I regret it??"

It's a scary, hard, and accepting experience.

I got the prouds

For anyone that doesn't know, I started a petition to congress to have the FMLA laws changed to cover the death of a spouse (more about that in a minute).

I have been losing sleep over this petition. Every time I check how my petition is doing, I cry.

I can't believe the stories. 

" When I was advised that I needed to come back to work I explained that I was unable to at that time because I was not finished with his funeral. I was told to be at work the next morning at 8:00am or I was fired. Not only had I lost my husband I now had to lose my job and my only source of income which in turn cost me my home"

"My boss told me that it was her expectation that I would never cry at work after the death of my husband. We are both nurses and she should have known better. I had to return to work almost immediately because I used my FMLA when he was in the hospital and in ICU."

Reading the stories, tears my heart apart.

But I realize I am not alone. I am not fighting a un-win-able fight.

I actually might be able to do this!

The little voice in my head says - "It doesn't matter".

"Congress could give a shitless about us".

"You CAN'T win this!".

But I think I actually might be able to.

I hope I can.

I had a thought yesterday.

WHEN (not if) I am widowed for the second time, I hope this law is in place.

I hope I can say "I did this, and now I can do the grieving I need to do".

The grieving that was taken away from me when S. died.

Because I had to get back to work, so I wouldn't lose my only source of income.

I see myself at the funereal of husband #2, standing up, and saying

"I get 12 months off for FMLA. I did this to protect other widows/widowers, and now I get to have the "luxury" of taking all the time I need!"

Who knows, maybe I can't make a differance.

But maybe I can.

And for the first time since S.'s death..

I feel proud.

I feel like I can make a difference.

I feel a purpose. 

And I hope at the end of my life, I can die happily, knowing I was able to protect someone else from facing the hell I faced.

I have a major case of the prouds.

Details on my petition -

I have started a petition to congress. My intention is to have FMLA rules and regulations changed to cover the death of a spouse.

Did you know that if your child or spouse is dying, you can take 12 months leave on FMLA.

BUT, after they die, you have 3 days bereavement. Then you need to return to work.

After your loved one dies, you are no longer covered on FMLA.

Please read my petition, sign it, and pass on!
Help us secure our jobs and our RIGHT to grieve!
http://www.petition2congress.com/6833/spouse-bereavement-leave-initiative-to-amend-fmla/


Also, please sign the petition to have FMLA law's changed to cover the death of a child.
http://www.petition2congress.com/3937

FMLA for losing a child

Friends, please sign this petition. 
Getting 3 days of bereavement for the lose of a child or spouse is an absolute joke!! I didn't even have S.'s funeral planned that fast, let alone a chance to morn. Going back to work was one of the most difficult tasks I have ever endured. Luckily enough my job gave me a month off (paid) otherwise I probably would have quit my job.
http://www.petition2congress.com/3937/go/

Right hand wedding rings

After having my wedding ring redone and turned into a right hand ring.

I did some research on WHY a right handed wedding ring symbolizes widowed, it's just generations of tradition.

Some countries wear their wedding rings on their right hand.

I starting thinking, IF I get remarried, would I wear my wedding ring from S. on my right hand, with my new set from the new hubby on my left hand?

The answer - Yes.

It represents a part of who I am. Not part of who I WAS.
I am a widow.

And eventually a wife (again).

Losing S. will always be with me.
For someone to love me, they have to have room in their heart for S. as well.
Just because I get remarried, doesn't mean my life with S. disappears.

I decided today, that when I get remarried... My wedding ring will stay on my right hand.
If the guy isn't comfortable with it, then he isn't allowing enough room in his heart to love S.. which is a deal breaker for me.

Here's a picture of my new ring

Even though..

Even though you chose to leave this life.
Chose to leave me behind.
I will always have you.
In my heart.
In my soul.
On my finger.
In our bed.
In your urn.
In my steamer trunk with your belongings.

I will always have you.

I love you and miss you so much.

What I would give for a huge bear hug from you.

Miss you and love you more with each passing day.

Gay love is LOVE!

This story is sad but a must watch. I brought several things from it.

First of all, love is LOVE, no matter how you look at it. And guess what? Love IS enough.

Second, friends, married or not married.. PLEASE have a will. PLEASE.

Third, in a moment of tragedy, don't let ANYONE make decisions for you (such as personal belongings). I know I wasn't strong enough to fight for myself and Seth's wants, so I depended on my family.
They did not allow things to happen that I didn't want or was not ready for.

Have someone you can trust, put them in your will as a decision maker.

Death causes people to do horrible things to each other, unfortunately I have been a victim of that. I have been blamed for S.''s death. His family disowned me.They lost the last piece of S., which is ME.
But guess what? We were married, so his family had no rights or say.

Gay marriage needs to be made legal. Loving someone gives YOU the right to take control of their final wishes, finances, personal belongings.

Love IS enough, and these things need to come to a stop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pR9gyloyOjM