Written March 10th, 2011

Written March 10th, 2011

I had a pretty weird dream about S. last night.

I dreamed we were going to celebrate S.'s dad’s birthday. I called S. in heaven, to tell him about the party, and see if he could come.

I went to the party, and S. was there. S.’s brother looks exactly like S... Anyway, S.'s brother was crying, saying sorry it’s going to be a rough party with S. there. S. started talking about killing himself. He was saying he couldn’t believe how bad he bled, that blood was all over him, and all over the ground.. and everyone at the party was looking at him like mmm.. kay?

We were then sitting around the kitchen table eating.  S. was saying how bad of a hangover he had from partying the night before. And I said “Wait, you still get hangovers in heaven??” He started poking his arm with a fork, gave me a really weird look, and said “What do you mean in heaven?”. I turned to my mom, and said “I’m having a horrible dream, aren’t I?” she shook her head yes and said something to the effect of I’m sorry. I dreamed I woke up in the house I grew up in. I was in my childhood bed, bawling hysterically. My mom came in, and was holding me and playing with my hair. I asked her for a glass of vodka (k in my dream, its middle of the night), and she goes and gets it. I start drinking it, and then my family was talking about going 4 wheeling, and me saying I wasn’t up to it. I remember my cousin bitching at me, saying I never want to do anything.

I was jolted out of my sleep by my work cell phone ringing. It was like 5:30am, my co-worker was calling me to tell me she wasn’t going to work today because she was sick.

Once I hung up with her, I was hysterical. I haven’t cried that hard in months. I laid in bed for probably a good 45 mins just hysterical.

It’s so weird how in my dreams I always know he’s dead, and he is here to visit. It’s a horrible feeling waking up to a empty bed after dreaming about him.