Anonymous blog - I'm afraid

I realized something today. I am scared to death of losing my job. I have never been scared of that before because I have always felt that I am a great employee. I work hard, I do what I am told, make money for my company and really don't complain much. All and all I feel like I have always been a great asset to any company. I have also always been recruited by competitors but have remained loyal to my employer. All of those things have raised my self esteem, made me feel like I was a good man, that I was worth something. I know what you are saying, a job  is what we do, not who we are. I know that, I have always been the first one to say that to others but now I am a truly scared of losing my job, I realized that deep down I am feeling my self worth being very tied to the job I do. I feel like if I lose my job or take a cut in pay that I am not worth as much as a man.  So the problem with this is that I am now in a relationship and this deep seated fear is causing problems. First off I am starting to think about a real future with this lady. That we may build a life together. So my fear of losing my job, my fear of losing my worth as a man, is starting to manifest itself in my fear of losing my girlfriend. Cause ya know if I cannot be a good provider than she will leave me. I know that is not true. I know that I am worth more than what I do. I know that I am a good boyfriend and who knows I might just make a good husband too one day.  HOWEVER I am allowing these fears and insecurities to cause problems in my relations that are real. I am taking out my stress on my Girlfriend and she has no real idea why. I am snapping at little insignificant things which is totally unfair to her. She doesn't deserve to have me take my stress out on her. See I am really bad at telling people what I am afraid of, or what I am really stressed out about. So I keep shit like that all bottled up and then it comes bursting out at the dumbest shit and gets directed at the person I love the most. So while I know she will not leave me if I were to lose my job, I am certain, that unless I can learn to communicate better, tell her how I am feeling, become truly vulnerable with her and stop keeping all my fears and insecurities bottled up, she will leave me.  It wasn't until today did I realize all of this. I don't know why I am telling you, a complete bunch of strangers, all of this. I guess it was that I realize that in this current economic climate, how so many people can lose hope in themselves because so many of us truly feel our self worth is linked to our economic prosperity. That we are what we do. That we allow ourselves to be defined by our jobs. I know that just the fear of losing my job is playing havoc with my self esteem I can only imagine how I would be feeling if I actually lost my job. The good thing is that I realize this now. I can work on not allowing myself to be defined by what i do. That my self esteem should not and will not be tied to my job situation. I am more than that and better than that.  So if I lose my job it will suck but most importantly I have people that love me and I will find something else to do to earn a living. See I am a good employee and I guess what? I was looking for a job when I found this one and I will just find another one. Someone reminded me that "the best things in life are not things".