Anonymous Post - Sex after the death of my spouse

One of the things I've struggled with since my spouse died is sex. On the one hand, I've really missed the sense of contact and connection, the closeness, and the purely physical enjoyment.  Heck, I also miss the idea of making someone else feel good, knowing I'm still at least capable of that, and having someone else care enough to return the favor.  I'm not the one who died, and part of being alive is still noticing the opposite sex, still wanting that.

At the same time, part of me still feels more than a little uncomfortable about the idea of being in bed with someone else.  I know part of it comes from having been married as long as I was.  I was never unfailthful during that time.  Sure, I noticed other people who were attractive, but anything beyond that would pretty quickly make me more than a little uncomfortable.  It got pretty well ingrained in me that being married meant that sex was something between me and my spouse...and not anyone else.  Now I'm finding that knowing that I'm essentially single again (at least as far as that goes) hasn't gotten through to that part of my brain that says that everyone else is off-limits.

So now I get to deal with being torn between wanting and sometimes hungering for someone else to be in bed with and a powerful aversion to that idea.  I know that there's no right answer, that this is one of those things we each get to figure out and deal with for ourselves.  No-one can give "The Right Answer" for it.  And it doesn't help that in the last few years my spouse was alive our sex life was getting increasingly strained and increasingly infrequent. Thinking back on the good times we'd spent with each other in that way is very difficult, too, as the reminder of what used to be and now is gone hurts, too.  Then again, so does remembering the times where things didn't work so well.

Since my spouse died, I have had sex with someone else.  Physically, it still feels good.  I'm glad to know I can still enjoy touching and being touched.  It is reassuring that it seems like those times have been mutually enjoyable, that that part of me isn't irrevocably broken.  At the same time, it feels bizarre when the old habits of what my spouse liked don't match up with who else I've been with. I've also found that I've kept part of myself shut off from them. I'm not ready to open up that much to anyone else right now.  It frankly has me worried, at least at times, about whether I'll ever be able to be that open with someone again, that it'll become making love once more and not just having sex.

And it sometimes makes me wonder if it's worth it to bother at all anymore.  I generally know the answer to that, especially for the long-term, but that doesn't change those times when I get tired of feeling confused and hurt and scared and angry.  I hate having those kinds of feelings associated with something that can be so wonderful and beautiful.  I guess that's just going to be part of working through that aspect of living longer than a spouse and having to figure out how do more than just survive.