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Today I was looking at how people get to my blog.

What search they used to find it.

Some were porn sites. Which means, if you have a porn site open, you open another tab and go to my blog (leaving the porn open) it will show the porn site.

Some searches were "Afraid of losing my girlfriend" and "amateur body stockings".

Now my question is, who is looking and porn, and suddenly decides it's time to catch up on my blog??

Moral of the story, friends and stalkers, close your other tabs before googling for my blog.

Otherwise I will get one hell of a laugh off your search method!
And of course I will blog about it.

Bwaahhaa..

"my girlfriend has tiny nipples".

We always know!

Dating.

What a joke.

I get it, dating a widow can't be easy.
Sure, I have baggage.
I will always love S.
No matter what.

But men now days, are just idiots.
The grass is always greener on the other side  
"You May Think The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side - But If You Take The Time To Water Your Own Grass it Would Be Just As Green".
Technology makes MEN think they can "digitally" cheat, and not get caught.
MEN will look us straight in the face and lie.
When we know you are full of shit.

What they don't understand, is woman are effin smart.
We know.
We always know!

Even if we don't know, our gut instincts and heart know.
Just takes our brain a while to accept it.

MEN feed us full of shit, and soon as we start falling for them, bam.
They turn into a fucking idiot!

For all the men out there that think you are cleaver and will get away with it...
You won't.

She will know.

And guess what? She deserves FAR better then YOU.

Hiding suicide

I didn't sleep good last night.

I had a nightmare that seemed to last all night long.

I dreamed S. was back, and killed himself all over again.

Somehow I knew he was in my car, and I tracked down my car, and he wasn't in it.

There was pillows in the back seat, completely soaked in blood.


In the front seat, there was a bottle of some pink liquid. Something that I knew was some kind of poison to kill yourself with.


There was a suicide note (S. didn't leave one in real life). I can't remember what it said, but I remember it was like 6 pages long, and I was really pissed it didn't say anything about me. Not even an "I love you".

In my dream, I was frantically trying to clean up the blood. I had his blood all over me. Everything was soaking wet with blood. Everything I touched was wet.

I was soaking wet with his blood.

I was trying so hard to clean it up, and hide the fact that he killed himself AGAIN.

In my dream I remember thinking how ashamed S. was of his mental problems. I didn't want to world to know about his problems, because I knew he was ashamed. I didn't want the world to know he failed.

Again.

I haven't had dreams of S. and suicide. Not that I can remember. Now I have had one two nights in a row.

Today I am angry. Angry that I have to live with someone else's decision for the rest of my life.
Angry that it will never go away.
Sure it's gotten easier.
And will continue to get easier.
But I am fucking pissed that my reality is based off someone else's decision.

Pissed that it will never, ever, go away.

I am pissed. I am back at stage 3 - Anger

I know my brain is processing a lot. Things in life are going good, moving forward, but the lingering two year anniversary is eating at me slowly. How the fuck has it only been two years?

This didn't happen in this life. This was my last life. Somehow my past life and this life have gotten twisted together.

His suffering, my 3 years of suffering, his death, wasn't in this life.

Today I will call into work, get some sleep, and work on my crafty projects I have been working on.

Suicide all over again

I had a dream.

S. killed himself again.

Like he came back to life, and killed himself again.

My first thoughts were "Well shit, I've already done this, so this will be easy. I'll just do the funeral and everything the same as the first time!"

My second thought was "Fuck, he didn't fit in one urn the first time, which means I need to buy TWO urns again, what the fuck am I going to do with two urns which will equal FOUR urns??".

Note to self: Marry someone that weights less then 200lbs so he will fit in one urn.

I got the prouds

For anyone that doesn't know, I started a petition to congress to have the FMLA laws changed to cover the death of a spouse (more about that in a minute).

I have been losing sleep over this petition. Every time I check how my petition is doing, I cry.

I can't believe the stories. 

" When I was advised that I needed to come back to work I explained that I was unable to at that time because I was not finished with his funeral. I was told to be at work the next morning at 8:00am or I was fired. Not only had I lost my husband I now had to lose my job and my only source of income which in turn cost me my home"

"My boss told me that it was her expectation that I would never cry at work after the death of my husband. We are both nurses and she should have known better. I had to return to work almost immediately because I used my FMLA when he was in the hospital and in ICU."

Reading the stories, tears my heart apart.

But I realize I am not alone. I am not fighting a un-win-able fight.

I actually might be able to do this!

The little voice in my head says - "It doesn't matter".

"Congress could give a shitless about us".

"You CAN'T win this!".

But I think I actually might be able to.

I hope I can.

I had a thought yesterday.

WHEN (not if) I am widowed for the second time, I hope this law is in place.

I hope I can say "I did this, and now I can do the grieving I need to do".

The grieving that was taken away from me when S. died.

Because I had to get back to work, so I wouldn't lose my only source of income.

I see myself at the funereal of husband #2, standing up, and saying

"I get 12 months off for FMLA. I did this to protect other widows/widowers, and now I get to have the "luxury" of taking all the time I need!"

Who knows, maybe I can't make a differance.

But maybe I can.

And for the first time since S.'s death..

I feel proud.

I feel like I can make a difference.

I feel a purpose. 

And I hope at the end of my life, I can die happily, knowing I was able to protect someone else from facing the hell I faced.

I have a major case of the prouds.

Details on my petition -

I have started a petition to congress. My intention is to have FMLA rules and regulations changed to cover the death of a spouse.

Did you know that if your child or spouse is dying, you can take 12 months leave on FMLA.

BUT, after they die, you have 3 days bereavement. Then you need to return to work.

After your loved one dies, you are no longer covered on FMLA.

Please read my petition, sign it, and pass on!
Help us secure our jobs and our RIGHT to grieve!
http://www.petition2congress.com/6833/spouse-bereavement-leave-initiative-to-amend-fmla/


Also, please sign the petition to have FMLA law's changed to cover the death of a child.
http://www.petition2congress.com/3937

FMLA for losing a child

Friends, please sign this petition. 
Getting 3 days of bereavement for the lose of a child or spouse is an absolute joke!! I didn't even have S.'s funeral planned that fast, let alone a chance to morn. Going back to work was one of the most difficult tasks I have ever endured. Luckily enough my job gave me a month off (paid) otherwise I probably would have quit my job.
http://www.petition2congress.com/3937/go/

Your concealed weapon permit is expired!!

S. got a letter in the mail today.

It was from the state, reminding him that his concealed weapon permit is about to expire.

The same concealed weapon permit I tried to have revoked on 3 different occasions.

Not only did they ignore the fact that he had bipolar, and 3 suicide attempts under his belt.. they overlooked the fact that...

He is dead. He shot himself.

Effin state.