Grocery Shopping = Unexpected surprises

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. As most of you know, I would rather go to the dentist then the grocery store.
At least at the dentist, I only have to go every 6 months.

I was browsing through the store, trying to get out of there quickly.

There was a older gentlemen (probably early 60's) stalking the shelves on the isle I was on.

He said good morning, and asked if I needed help finding anything.
I told him good morning, and I was finding my way just fine.

I walked by, still looking at the shelves. Not really looking for something in participial. Just looking.

He came up to me and said "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you how beautiful you are".
I was fidgeting in my shoes and purse. Feeling a little uncomfortable.
He said "You really caught my eye".

I said thank you, trying not to show how awkward I felt.
I joked that I didn't even take a shower, had no make up on, my hair wasn't even pulled into a pretty ponytail. I joked that we need more guys like him around.

He said "Why?".

I said well, seems like guys my age, you have to be drop dead gorgeous, skinny, have a lot of money, and an amazing personalty. Which I must not have any of the above, as I can't seem to find the one.

I said guys are just shallow now days (Shit I sound old) and there are no nice guys left.
He said that's a real shame. Agreed.

We started talking a little bit, and he asked if I was married. I said I was for 10 years. He said "oh, divorce?".

I said no.. he passed away two years ago.

Of course I got the sad "poor you" look and a "I'm so sorry".

He asked what happened, if I didn't mind sharing.

I told him suicide.

This older gentlemen stared at me.

Then started crying.

He asked if he could share a story with me.
I said sure.

He said last year, he tried to kill himself for the 3rd time.
And lived.
And decided god had another plan for him.

He said he became sober at that time, has been medicated, and is doing a lot better.

I told him S. had 3 suicide attempts.
And was successful on the 4th.

I didn't have to say much more then that, as I think he knew I was saying "Your luck is over, and the 4th time is the charm".

We talked for quite a while, and I left feeling..
Like I was right where I was supposed to be, that day.

That for some reason, my world, and his world, were meant to smash into each other with major force.

I drove home wondering "What did he gain from our conversation?"

And "What did I gain?"

I gained - knowing you can't protect someone from themselves (which I already knew, but this reinforced it).

I thought about how suicide tends to follow me now.
Why?
Is it my "job" to help suicide victims?

I also learned that because a 60 year old guy tells me I am pretty, I need to learn to LISTEN and not get weirded out.

Somethings in this life I will never understand.

It could have always been worse..

Prompted by another widow's blog posting, I started thinking about how S.'s death could have been worse.

For anyone that doesn't know, S. committed suicide on 7/27/10.

How could it have been worse?

Well let me count the ways.

He could have taken me with him. Although in the early days I cursed at him for not taking me with.
He could have walked into a school, mall, etc, and taken unsuspecting strangers with him.
I could have came home to find him.
Instead he hiked up to a local min (that is a bitch to get to) and killed himself there.
The police could have never found his body.
I was lucky enough that they found his body within 48 hours. Can't imagine the pain of not ever finding his body.
He could have killed himself in front of me.
I didn't have to "pull the plug".
He could have experienced the person he loved  more then anything (ME) giving up on him and walking out.
Instead, I stayed.
I took care of him. For 3 very long years.
He could have killed himself at work.
He could have killed himself at school.
He could have suffered. Although I am not 100% sold on the medical results that he didn't suffer. (Who's to say your soul leaving your body isn't a painful experience?)
We could have been fighting at the time, saying hurtful things. (We weren't).
He could have killed himself while we were on vacation in Hawaii weeks earlier.
He could have not used that time in Hawaii to say his goodbyes to me. (Although I didn't realize it was his way of saying goodbye until months after his death).
He could have killed himself as I went into shoulder surgery, two weeks prior to his death. Leaving me unable to take care of myself and dealing with his death on top of my very painful surgery.
We could have had a loveless marriage.
We could have hated each other.
I could have went against what he wanted for his funeral (and remains).
Instead I stood my ground. I fought for what he wanted.
Even when his family was very angry at me for not doing what THEY wanted done for his funeral and remains.
I could have been completely alone. With no love and support from my friends and family.
I could not have a job.
I could be homeless.
I could not have my new heaven in my new home.
I could be in a mental hospital.
I could have let his death kill me as well.
Around the 8 month mark, as much as I thought about it, I didn't kill myself.

Instead -

He knew true love.
I know true love.
We had a great life together.
He finally knew what it was to belong to a family. An amazing family.

- And the good that came out of the bad - 


He could have shot himself and lived.
And I would be by his side, taking care of my husband, that would be severely brain damaged.

What am I?

After the death of S. I have learned so much about myself.
Even more, I have changed.
And I realize I have changed.

Who am I NOW?
- First and foremost -
 I am a wife. I will always be a wife. Even if I get remarried, S. will still be my husband. I will just have two husband's.

- I am a daughter and sister to a family that would drop dead to give me life.
- I am very spiritual. God and I have our battles (Ok I have my battles with god). Before S. died, I wasn't sure about god, after life, etc. I now truly believe in god (even though I am pretty sure he is a SHE) and there is a life after this.
- I am not a survivor. I have no other choice but to keep moving forward.
- I am not strong. I am weak. Just because I can keep moving forward and keep trying to find happiness, does not make me strong. What else do I do? Crawl into bed the rest of my life? Kill myself? There really is no other option but to keep moving on.
- I have always been an impatient person. But I have zero patience now. Zelch.
- I have always stood up for what I believed in. But now I'll tell someone to shut the fuck up quickly if I see someone doing / saying something rude, insensitive, or inappropriate.
- I have always been.. I guess a closed in person. Even more closed now. People close to me know me well, people I meet I keep at arms length. I am a private person, and don't lay all my cards out on the first game.
- I have always had a mouth that tends to speak what my brain thinks. I now have no filter. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I was raised being taught to not speak out of anger, and to not say something you don't mean. Trust me, if I say something, positive or negative, I mean it.
And I'll never regret what I said.
- I don't deal with toxic people. Before I would try to keep the peace, now I could give a flying fuck.
- I either love you or hate you. There is no in between. So if I meet you, and want nothing to do with you, it's because I hate you. Sorry.
- I am selfish. Very selfish. This is my life. My house. My car. And if you don't like it, then pack your shit. I put  my own happiness on hold for 3 years to take care of S. It's now MY turn to be happy, and do what makes me happy. If that makes me a self centered, stuck up bitch, take a number and stand in life with all the other people that are crying over "the new me".
- I know life is too short to be unhappy. Grief is enough unhappiness for me. I refuse to live my life in places or relationships that make me unhappy. Why? Because I could die tomorrow. And I want to die happy, content, guilt free, and be greeted at the golden gates by S. I don't want to have to answer any questions about my behavior or decisions.
- I have learned we live in a sad world. People are ruthless, greedy, assholes, and don't care who they hurt in the process. I have lost faith in mankind. I know all I have to depend on is myself.
- I have learned to laugh again.
- I have learned to love again.
- And I have been reminded what it feels like to have my heart broken.
- I have learned it's ok to say no. No I physically can not do this today. No I can not mentally do this today. No. Learning to say no has taught me SO much about myself and the world I live in.
- I have learned the people you thought loved you, really don't.
- I have learned the people you never expected to reach out a helping hand to you, do.
- I have learned to ask for help. With simple things. Dishes, cooking.
- I have learned it doesn't make me weak to ask for help.
- I have learned to be happy with being alone. This sounds bad, but every morning when I wake up to a empty bed, I think Awww.. and sprawl clear a crossed it. There is a happiness and comfort that comes with being alone.
- I have learned I can't stand drama and "poor" me people. They make me want to shank them.
- I have learned I will never look at humanity or the world around me the same.

To sum it up.
I am a wife. Not a widow.
I am a bitch. Take it or leave it.
I am not a survivor.
I am not strong.
I just choose to keep moving forward in hopes of finding my happy place again.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson”

Easter lilies

The (dead) tradition didn't stop the the Easter bunny from remembering my lilies!

And I don't even have these ones.

Thanks Mr. Bunny <3

Happy Easter

After last years melt down over Easter, I decided it was best that I went and play at the Sand Dunes for the weekend.

I had a total blast. I needed it so bad.

I also found, that the 2 hour drive (alone) was really good for me. I need to do that more often.

Although, as much as I knew I wouldn't wake up to Easter Lilies I was secretly hoping the bunny wouldn't forget my lilies.

Tomorrow I am going lily shopping, which is a huge grief trigger, but I want to carry on the Easter tradition.

The tradition I didn't know existed.