Anonymous Post - She changed

One of the things I've struggled with is having a hard time with reconciling who my wife was at first. She was the one who I fell in love with and wanted to spend my life with. She made me laugh. She appreciated what I did. She didn't play silly games to see if I'd prove how much I really cared. She didn't expect me to spend a lot of money on her or do lots of flashy stuff. She was smart, liked to read, and even better liked to think. She wasn't very outgoing, but she had a wicked sense of humor. She also liked it that I liked to make her laugh. She knew how badly it sucked to be cheated on, and as a result appreciated loyalty and wasn't going to cheat on me.

In the end, she was someone else. She was angry and withdrawn. More and more often, when I'd see her at the end of the day, she would talk for just a minute or two before saying that she was in too crappy of a mood at the time. Maybe we'd get to spend time together....later. She would sometimes start screaming and yelling and pounding on things when she'd get upset. Over time, it took less and less to get her upset enough to flip out like that. She'd say that she appreciated me doing so much to help out and take care of the house and all, but it seemed less and less that she wanted to actually be around me. Before she killed herself, she told me she was going to take off for a couple of days to work some things out. Little did I know she was leaving to kill herself. After all, she'd taken off once before and, when she came back, told me it'd been to work some things out.

Sometimes it's hard to put those together into a sense of one person. Abstractly, I intellectually know that both were true, and they were things about and done by her. The feel of it, though, is hard to put together. I don't know how to get those to come together so it's just one person I'm thinking of or recalling. I don't know how long it's going to take before that's going to happen. I don't know what it'll take to make it happen. I just hope that the time comes that it feels like it's just all been about one person.