Antidepressants

Around the 8 month mark of S.'s death, I fell into a very scary depression.
I have never experienced depression like that.
I didn't care if I lived or died.
I didn't care to eat or get out of the house.
I just slept.
And cried.
A lot.

I was put on lamictal before S. died. I have been on that for probably 4 years.

I was then put on zoloft + lamictal.

About 6 months ago I couldn't stand how tired I was.
My doctor took me off zoloft and put me on celexa.

I cut down (slowly) off lamictal, and have been off it since June-ish.
Coming off lamictal was pretty easy.

My energy level is better, but I am still so fucking tired!

I have put a ton of thought into my medication.
I have wondered if it shields me from my grief.
If it's just a band-aid that covers up my grief.

I don't think I have depression anymore.
I do care if I live or die now.

But who knows if that's the medication or the amount of time it's been since S. died that has made me care about myself again.

I have decided to take the final leap, and come off celexa.

BUT....
I am scared shitless.
If I end up in the depression I was in again, I will probably have to be hospitalized.

I don't think I was suicidal, but my doctor says I was.

Apparently not giving a shit if you get hit by a train is suicidal.

I don't know if I can fight through that again without being hospitalized.
I don't know if I have the strength left.

In the last 9 months, I have quit drinking every day
I have bought and moved to a new home.
Enjoyed Christmas with my family, without much grief or missing S.
I have successfully come off lamictal.
I lived through the 2 year mark of S.'s death (And actually enjoyed my day with friends and family).
I lived through our 7 year wedding anniversary.

Now I am just done.
I am sober, and I want to be completely sober.

So celexa, starting tonight, we will slowly separate ourselves from each other.

Just like my dear friend alcohol, we can not be friends anymore.

So celexa, please enjoy yourself over the next 3 to 5 weeks.
After that, pack your shit.
Your out.

And friends, you have been warned!
If I suddenly lose my shit, and eat your face off.
I'm sorry.