Christmas 2012

As Christmas is upon me, I have been thinking of Christmas past.

Every year S. and I gave each other an ornament. We would open it on Christmas eve and hang them on the tree together.

One year we gave each other the same ornament. We just sat and laughed. I learned not to buy ornaments from Hallmark anymore, for the risk of buying S. the same ornament he bought me.

One year S. bought me a TV and DVD player for my craft studio. I was highly disappointed, as I really wanted a certain bracelet. I tried to not let my disappointment show, but I think it showed.

At about 2am S. got into the closet, and pulled out a box.

I knew from the shape of the box, that it was the bracelet I had hoped for.

Before I could open it, I sat and cried, feeling like an asshole. He got a good laugh out of making me think he just got me the TV/DVD player and played that out ALL day long.

We always did stockings for each other, and we would hide them. A lot of the time we spent Christmas morning trying to find our hidden stocking. One year S. searched for over an hour for his stocking, through his frustrating said "Just tell me where it is". "Silly, it's where you put wet stuff to dry it".

The dryer. The only place he hadn't looked. Ironically he had already looked in the washer, but for some reason skipped over the dryer.

This Christmas has been hard. I miss the traditions we had.

I miss waking up to him Christmas morning, jumping on the bed, and screaming "Santa came, get up!".

This year I feel blessed. I got the bracelet I hoped for (Was pretty shocked that I got it!). Santa really is magical.

Got an amazing necklace from my brother and his GF

I love the black and white diamonds

Got a power washer / steamer  that I thought i would never want until I had to spray the whole outside of my house off this summer.

Got a sound bar so I don't have to turn my TV up full blast, my very own pair of bowling shoes (That are insanely cute). Socks, candy, clothes. You name it.

My friends and family spoiling me like you wouldn't believe.

For me, the gifts I gave this year were small in a financial matter. But I am happy that I was able to get the people I love something, and more then anything just spend my Christmas with people that love me.

Some days I feel cursed and that the life I was handed it a crock of shit. (Today is one of those crock of shit days!)

But Christmas day, I am thankful for the love and support from my family and friends.

While life hands me a full hand of problems, it also hands me a full hand and heart of people that love me.

For that, I know I will survive.

All my love and Christmas blessings,
M.

Purple Christmas tree that was at the outlet stores in Lehi, UT

How to treat a Lady

How to Treat a Girl Lady
1.Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

2. Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out. 

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it. 

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did. 

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it... 

10. Not all of them eat like birds, alot of them can eat like whales. 

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy. 

11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time! 

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the s**t out of him.

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back. 

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals. 

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like s**t, so be understanding.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. 

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

26. Memorize their god damned birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life. 

27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. 

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out. 

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, priviledge and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

- Unknown

Not to mention, we know people in high places!

Movie Review: Safety is not guaranteed

Safety is not guaranteed sucked, sucked and SUCKED!!

Redbox - I want my $1 back!

What am I thankful for?

While everyone is posting what they are thankful for on facebook, I thought I would share mine here. For my stalkers fans.

First, and most importantly, I am so thankful I am not spending Thanksgiving with my in laws. 

SO THANKFUL! 

S. never really liked spending time with his family. I always encouraged it saying "Life is too short, you never know when this is your last holiday together".

Honestly, I see why he didn't want to spend time with his family.

I get it.

And S. - I'm sorry for encouraging you to spend time with them.

I am thankful for my family. I don't know where I would be without them. 

Honestly, I know where I would be. I would be dead. I would have taken my own life by now.

Seeing what S.'s suicide did to my family, is the only thing that got me through my roughest times. I couldn't do that to my family.

I am especially thankful for my mom. Most times my mom doesn't know how to help me, but she TRIES. Unlike a lot of people in my life. At least my mom gives a damn and tries. My mom is my best friend, and I swear to budda, we are soul sista's.

My brother is amazing. He is my secret body guard, that would kick the shit out of anyone that messes with me. I remember when he was born. I was so pissed off at my mom for not giving me a sister. She brought home a brother. What kind of shit is that?! I am thankful for my brother. If he was a sister, I probably would have shanked him by now.

My dad is loving and supportive, in his own, shy, way. I love my dad. I'm pretty sure I am his favorite daughter. I feel bad for any dude that ever physically hurts his daughter, because the dude won't have a chance to make it to prison before my dad gets his hands on him.

I am thankful for my best friend, Jenny. When S. died, she was there through it all. We sat on my porch for probably a good 6 months straight after he died. She didn't understand what I was going through, but was there, none the less. I know no matter what, I can depend on her. And I am forever in-debt to her. I hope I never get the chance to pay her back.

I am thankful for the life S. and I had together. The love we shared.

The lessons S.'s love taught me. 

And the lessons his death has taught me. 

Then I am thankful for being alive. I do have mornings when I wake up, roll over, and think "Are you fucking kidding me? How am I still alive??" Even though life sucks balls sometimes, I am thankful I am alive, and get to live this life with people that love me.

I am thankful for food on the table, a lil cash in my wallet, a car, a good job, and roof over my head.

I am thankful for coffee. Especially with cinnabun creamer.

I am thankful for lip gloss. And make up. And cute clothes. My dogs. Glitter. My cell phone - aka - grand central station. Naps. A full nights sleep. Snow. Lilies. And spring.

I am thankful for having the internets in my home. Where I can read and research as much as I want, without having to worry about the consequences of my actions. I think we take this luxury for granite. There are countries that have facebook blocked. 

I am thankful that I don't live in a country where widows are shunned and forced to live a life alone and in misery. Some cutlers – widows are killed, simply because their husband died. 

I am thankful for my widow friends. Oh, how they have helped me through the most trying times. Especially times that “none widowed” people don't understand. I am thankful that they are always a call, text, email, or click away.

I am thankful that S. and I did not successfully conceive a child, even though we tried.

There, I said IT. 

I am happy we didn't have child together, and I am thankful that I don't have to try to explain to my child what happened to his/her dad. Seeing my suicide widows struggle with telling their child the honest to god truth about their dad, is gut wrenching. How do you explain to a child that their dad chose to leave this life?

I am thankful for Steve Madden's shoes. Guess. Juicy Couture. Bubble baths and hot running water. My fucking amazing bed!

I am thankful that I have a boss that understands when I call him and say - I need a break, I'm not coming to work. In turn, I am thankful for vacation pay. Where I can take time off as I please, and still get paid.

I am thankful for the 10 years I did have with S. I wouldn't trade anything for that time. Even if it meant I could trade my pain for that 10 years.. I wouldn't do it. I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

A friend posted this, and I am stealing it. It rang so true, and I never thought about how I love being independent, and alone.

I am thankful that I have the life skills to live an independent life. If I want to live somewhere, I do it, If I want to travel, I go, If I want something, I buy it. I don't have to discuss, argue or barter with another person to have any of my needs and wants met. That being said, I know firsthand when you are in a good relationship none of that matters. I also know when you are in a bad relationship that it is all that matters. So since I am in neither I will say I am grateful that I am free to live and run my life the way I want and if I ever meet someone else, he better respect that!

Most of all, I am thankful that this Thanksgiving, I am thankful. Being thankful is something that was ripped away from me. Years past, I didn't have anything to be thankful for, other then - I'm glad S. didn't kill me too.

This year, I am thankful just to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Movie Review: The Campaign

Long story short, I am disappointed with The Campaign.

Will Ferrell is far funnier then the movie portrays.

But smack my ass funny moment -
I shaved the dog and glued the fur to my nut sack, so I would look like a grown man.

2012 twinkies are going out of business-
And the movie even had twinkies in it! 20 years from now, "kids" are going to say - "What the fuck is that big, yellow, nasty looking thing, that he is sucking on??"

2 stars

Movie Review: Paranormal Activity 4

Paranormal Activity 4 was horrible.

It wasn't scary. At.All.

It got scary the last 10 minutes the abruptly ended.

The first Paranormal Activity 4 was the best yet.

Wait for it to come out on cable.
Don't waste your money or anticipation.

Movie Review: That's My Boy

"That's my boy" is insanely funny!

I love the part that the groom comes home from his bachelor party, kicks his shoes off, as they make a huge thud sound on the floor.
He then bends over and says "Shh.." to his shoes! I died laughing!
I'm going to do that to my shoes next time I come home shit faced.

Probably one of the funniest movies I have seen this year.

I highly recommend watching it, but it's not for kids. And kids I mean 18 years and younger.

Bravo!

Movie Review: The Sessions

I went to the pre-screening for The Sessions last night.

The friend I went with wrote this review, said I could steal it. He puts it perfectly!!

The Sessions was one of the most touchingly sweet movies I've seen recently.  A man stricken with polio and confined to an iron lung has the chance to change his life by working with a sex surrogate.   It was by turns sweet, awkward, sincere, heartbreaking, and above all, imbued with a sense of humor about life’s challenges and rewards.  Bring some tissues!

The only thing I want to add is seeing Helen Hunt totally nude was a shock to me. But she looks good!
Warning, there is a lot of nudity.

5 stars!!

Report Card

I had a dream about S.

It goes -
I was getting in the shower, and he comes into the bathroom.
He says "Do you have my report card?"
I say "What report card?"

"You know, the one that showed I had a 4.0 and was graduating a year early?"

Me "No, I didn't keep that."
S. "Why?"
Me "Because you are dead, why would I have kept it?"
S. "Because I wanted it!!"
Me "You are DEAD! What in the hell do you need your report card for?"

To which S. looks at me like I am insane.

I then wake up.

I will never forget December 23rd, 2010.
I was supposed to be watching S. graduate college a year early with a 4.0.

Instead I was facing the fact that he took his own life, and facing my first Christmas without him.

PS: If he asks about his report card, I still have no idea what he is talking about. Please explain to him he doesn't need a report card in heaven.

Hurricane Sandy

I have a confession to make.

Hurricane Sandy has me worried sick about my widow friends.

Sure, I have friends that are in Sandy's path, but they aren't ALONE. They have their husband!

I am just sick - watching and waiting for my widow friends (and their children) to reappear online so I know they are safe.

Now I feel guilty. Sure I am worried about my married friends, but I am worried sick about my widow friends.

I'm a shitty friend to be worried more about my widow friends then my "normal" friends.

I freak out with lighting and thunder, I can't imagine going through a storm like Sandy alone.
I can't imagine being hunkered down, in my house, alone, waiting for this shit to pass!!

Widow friends - I love you.
Please check in when you can!

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

If Tears Could Build A Stairway
(Author unknown)

If tears could build a stairway 
And memories were a lane 
We would walk right up to Heaven 
And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken 
No time to say goodbye 
You were gone before we knew it 
And only God knows why

Our hearts still ache in sadness 
And secret tears still flow 
What it meant to lose you 
No on will ever know

But know we know you want us 
To mourn for you no more 
To remember all the happy times 
Life still has much in store

Since you’ll never be forgotten 
We pledge to you today 
A hallowed place within our hearts 
Is where you’ll always stay 

He should..

He should be your best friend. 

The one you can talk to about everything.

He should appreciate that you try to cook even if the fire alarms go off instead of the timer, and you have to order take out. 

He should tell you you're beautiful as much as he can. 

He should always tell you the truth, even if that might break your heart. 

He should always make you a priority. 

And he should cherish you always.

Movie Reviews: Case 39

Case 39 was a really good movie!

It was super scary, and super intense.

Plus it had Bradley Cooper in it. Yumm-oh.

That dude is fucking sexy!!

Movie Review: Jeff that lives at home

Jeff that lives at home was a boring, boring, movie.

BUT, the last 20-30 mins of the movie made it worth watching!

Wait for it to come out on cable.

Screaming

Written Sept 20th, 2010
Last night I was woken up from a dead sleep by S. yelling. 

It was so real, my earrings were ringing. I sat up straight in bed, realizing I am alone, and just heard him yell. I was shaking, upset, and scared to death.. I was terrified. That was the most frightened I have ever been in my whole life.

I couldn't get over the sound of his voice, almost like he was screaming? Unfortunately the jolt out of my sleep, made me forget what he said.. He said something like "This isn't right" or "Something is wrong", I can't remember exactly. I remember being confused about what isn't right?

I keep feeling like he is stuck somewhere between earth and heaven. Maybe he has unsettled business. Maybe that's what happens to a suicide victim.

But the fact that he is with me every night in my sleep is worry some. He should be up in heaven, doing his heavenly business, and not with me.

"If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will" - - Unknown

Movie Review: The 5 year engagement

I watched the 5 year engagement last night.

It was hilarious and so cute!

I cried and laughed.

It drags a lil in the middle of it, but it's worth it.

Go watch it!

Blog views

My stats

Today I was looking at how people get to my blog.

What search they used to find it.

Some were porn sites. Which means, if you have a porn site open, you open another tab and go to my blog (leaving the porn open) it will show the porn site.

Some searches were "Afraid of losing my girlfriend" and "amateur body stockings".

Now my question is, who is looking and porn, and suddenly decides it's time to catch up on my blog??

Moral of the story, friends and stalkers, close your other tabs before googling for my blog.

Otherwise I will get one hell of a laugh off your search method!
And of course I will blog about it.

Bwaahhaa..

"my girlfriend has tiny nipples".

Movie Review: Cabin in the woods

Don't rent it.

Horrible movie.

I didn't even finish it.

Movie Review: The woman in black

The woman in black is one of the scariest movies I have seen in a couple years.

It is well written and filmed.

Go rent it, it is Halloween season, ya know!

Dream from 11/16/10

A dream I had on 11/16/10

I had a dream right before my alarm went off. I dreamed me and S. were standing in my parents old house, in the kitchen.. It was before they had done all the remodeling.

I dreamed S. was hugging me and saying I love you and miss you soo soo much.. (He has said the soo soo much thing in several dreams now) I could smell his cologne and feel the squishiness of his chest. He was wearing his favorite hoodie (he is every time I dream about him). In my mind, I knew he was here from heaven, and our time was limited. As he was telling me how much he misses me and stuff, he started to disappear, and I knew it was time for him to go back to heaven. In my dream I was crying, and saying, please don't go yet, please just a little more time. The next thing I knew, we were snuggling in bed, and I was laying on his chest. He was telling me he has been watching his mom, and has seen how much she loves all the teachers (in my mind I kept thinking don't you mean students?). I remember I was really irritated, because we were on limited time, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about his mom.. I wanted to talk about us.
At the end of my dream, he told me something.. He said I am going to tell you something that is very important, so I need you to pay attention. He told me the important thing. then he told me it was time for him to go back, and I woke up. I sat up in bed crying (I think I was crying in my sleep) and was frantic trying to remember what he told me.. I couldn't remember.

It was so real. It's weird, normally when I dream, I am watching myself do whatever is going on. But when I dream about S., I am in my own body. And it's always so freaking real. I can remember every little details of my dreams with him.

I was frantic for several weeks trying to remember what the important message was. Through my counselor, she helped me get the message. The message was – I need you to pay attention.

Basically my life is a fog, and I am never paying attention.
I get it now.

We always know!

Dating.

What a joke.

I get it, dating a widow can't be easy.
Sure, I have baggage.
I will always love S.
No matter what.

But men now days, are just idiots.
The grass is always greener on the other side  
"You May Think The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side - But If You Take The Time To Water Your Own Grass it Would Be Just As Green".
Technology makes MEN think they can "digitally" cheat, and not get caught.
MEN will look us straight in the face and lie.
When we know you are full of shit.

What they don't understand, is woman are effin smart.
We know.
We always know!

Even if we don't know, our gut instincts and heart know.
Just takes our brain a while to accept it.

MEN feed us full of shit, and soon as we start falling for them, bam.
They turn into a fucking idiot!

For all the men out there that think you are cleaver and will get away with it...
You won't.

She will know.

And guess what? She deserves FAR better then YOU.

Quotes

This is a ongoing list of quotes that I find and enjoy.

"Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it." -Thomas Fuller 


You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. ~ Barbara De Angelis


“Live life so completely that when death comes to you like a thief in the night, there will be nothing left for him to steal.”


Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~ Harvey Fierstein 


"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." — Marilyn Monroe


They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies. — William Penn


"This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like it." - Unknown


This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." — Marilyn Monroe

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson”


"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe 


“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford”


"I've never dropped anyone I believed in. ~ Marilyn Monroe"


"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." - Author unknown


"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
- Audrey Hepbur


This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." — Marilyn Monroe

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson”

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepbur

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford”

"I've never dropped anyone I believed in. ~ Marilyn Monroe"

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." - Author unknown

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. -Elbert Hubbard
“But mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. And I didn’t know if I’d ever even wanted to get up and start breathing again.” - Sarah Dessen

"If everything is under control, you are going too slow." - Mario Andrett

In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. ~Author Unknown

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."
— Dave Barry

Life is not a right, but rather a privilege. ~ Nickleback

" I am not afraid of the storms, because I am learning how to sail my ship" ~Louisa Mae Alcott~

" It is a true friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

You don't necessarily decide who walks into your life, but you can decide who you let stay & who you let go!

"Never judge a widow's progress by your own or anyone else's experience. Grief does not come in 'One size fits all.' We each are unique; and so is our grief." ~ Annie Estlun

Movie Review: Here comes the boom

I went to a pre-screening of here comes the boom.

Here comes the boom was a hilarious movie.
It was funny, exciting and suspenseful.
Good work!

Here comes the boom is being released into theaters Oct 12th.

Psychic visit - 2/25/2011

Written February 25th, 2011

Yesterday I went to see a psychic. Her name is Debbie, I highly recommend her. Her phone # is 801-942-4002. She is at 1421 East Fort Union Blvd.

The session started out with her asking me to make two wishes, and not tell her what they are. I wished for happiness and direction.

The first thing she said was that I am a demanding person, and things are my way or the highway. She said I have lost some relationships due to that.

She said there is a man in my life that thinks the world of me, and loves me, but I am unsure how I feel about him. (True).

She asked what is the pain, frustration, and jealousy that my family has against me. I said I’m pretty sure there isn’t any in my family. I don’t fight with my family. She said they are talking behind my back about how bad of a person I am and about all the wrong decisions I have made. I said this can’t be about my family, it has to be about S.’s family. She said they blame me for something, and it was something I had no control over. I explained that weeks after S.’s death, they told me it was my fault he killed himself. She said they are very angry with me, and believe it is my fault. She said there is two of S.’s siblings that want a relationship with me, and have been trying to reach out to me. One is a sister and one is a brother. The brother has been standing up to the family for me, and telling them look.. we never gave S.'s wife a chance when S. was alive, it’s time we give her a chance. She said there is a step sister or sister in law, that has always been very jealous of me, and does not like me. She said they are toxic, and draining the life out of me.

I asked her about S... asked why it happened. She asked if drugs were involved, and I said not that I know of, the toxicology showed none in his system.. but he was on prescription drugs.. she said that’s why she feels sedated. She said he felt like everything he did, he failed at. That everything kept blowing up in his face. He felt like his friends and family never cared enough to get to know the new (bipolar) S., and didn’t care about him. He felt like he couldn’t talk to me about it, because I was increasingly frustrated with his bipolar. He felt like I would get frustrated and mad at him, and he didn’t want to put me through anymore pain. He was in a lot of pain, I was in a lot of pain, he was tired of seeing me suffer, and decided it was the best outcome for both of us.

 She said he doesn’t blame me, has no anger towards me, and there is nothing I could have done differently.

She said that he is with me every second of every day, that he never leaves my side. I asked her if he sends me signs, she said he does, but he says I don’t notice them. She said he turns on and off electronics and turns the volume up and down. He turns lights on and off. If I have lost something, he puts it in a place I will find it. Normally the place I have looked a million times, thinking that’s where I left it.. he will move it to that place.

(back story.. I couple weeks ago I had the stereo in my car randomly turn the volume up. Last weekend, I had my TV acting up. The screen would go green, then turn off, then turn back on. It did that like 4 times, and I was thinking that’s effing great, I need to buy a new TV now??)

She said I have a lot of guardian angels. She said one was assigned to me when I was born. I have one that seems to be a great grandma or great aunt that I took care of in her last years on earth. (That is my grandma p.). She said my grandma has been trying to force me to go to a psychic for months, but I kept chickening out and didn’t have the guts to go (SOOO true). She said that my grandma made certain that I went yesterday, she forced me to go. I felt like I had to go, for direction.. so I guess that explains that.

I asked her about the afterlife, is there is one, and where S. is. She said there is a heaven, there isn’t a hell.. but there is a place in between heaven and earth. She said S. is in that in-between place. She said because he committed suicide, he has to basically prove to god that he deserves to go to heaven that suicide is never in god’s plan. She said S. is scared, lost, and doesn’t know how to get to heaven. She said I can help him by telling him to go to the light. Telling him I don’t need him here anymore. She said that she can feel how much S.loves me, and the amount of love he has for me takes her breath away, and is some of the most intense love she has ever felt.

She said I need to change careers. She said that the place I am working, I am at the top of the ladder, and will never advance. She said I am not happy working there, and need to do what makes me happy. She said she thinks I should quit my job, and do photography or go to school to be a vet tech. That she can see how much I love animals. When she said that, I almost fell out of my chair. Being a vet tech is my dream job, and I have been putting it off because.. well I don’t know why. I didn’t tell her those were my dream jobs. She said she wants me to go to school for a vet tech. That through my new job, I will meet the “one” I am supposed to marry. She said I will meet him between now and the next two years. He will be 7” taller than me, have blue or hazel eyes, with dark hair. That he will be financially stable, so I can be a vet tech, and not worry about how little of money I will make doing that. She said we will have a daughter, and son. She said once I have my dream job, and meet the one, everything will fall in place.. that I will be the happiest I have ever been, S. will finally be happy, and we will all feel at peace.

She said my family will be safe and happy. That there is no health problems coming up for me. She said I need to get a handle on my anxiety and panic attacks, and I need to have my blood pressure checked, and keep an eye on it for the rest of my life. She said I would live a long healthy life if I did that.

She said we can help S. pass over faster by praying. We ended the session by lighting a candle, and praying. She said he should pass over within 3 days, that by the 4^th night I should be able to sleep without medication. Once I can sleep without medication, is how I will know he has passed over.

Written March 10th, 2011

Written March 10th, 2011

I had a pretty weird dream about S. last night.

I dreamed we were going to celebrate S.'s dad’s birthday. I called S. in heaven, to tell him about the party, and see if he could come.

I went to the party, and S. was there. S.’s brother looks exactly like S... Anyway, S.'s brother was crying, saying sorry it’s going to be a rough party with S. there. S. started talking about killing himself. He was saying he couldn’t believe how bad he bled, that blood was all over him, and all over the ground.. and everyone at the party was looking at him like mmm.. kay?

We were then sitting around the kitchen table eating.  S. was saying how bad of a hangover he had from partying the night before. And I said “Wait, you still get hangovers in heaven??” He started poking his arm with a fork, gave me a really weird look, and said “What do you mean in heaven?”. I turned to my mom, and said “I’m having a horrible dream, aren’t I?” she shook her head yes and said something to the effect of I’m sorry. I dreamed I woke up in the house I grew up in. I was in my childhood bed, bawling hysterically. My mom came in, and was holding me and playing with my hair. I asked her for a glass of vodka (k in my dream, its middle of the night), and she goes and gets it. I start drinking it, and then my family was talking about going 4 wheeling, and me saying I wasn’t up to it. I remember my cousin bitching at me, saying I never want to do anything.

I was jolted out of my sleep by my work cell phone ringing. It was like 5:30am, my co-worker was calling me to tell me she wasn’t going to work today because she was sick.

Once I hung up with her, I was hysterical. I haven’t cried that hard in months. I laid in bed for probably a good 45 mins just hysterical.

It’s so weird how in my dreams I always know he’s dead, and he is here to visit. It’s a horrible feeling waking up to a empty bed after dreaming about him.

Tips from a non recovered insomniac

I have been suffering from insomnia for 5 years now.
Here is some tricks that I have learned help me. (This is a ongoing list).

Updated 9/14/12

- Try to keep a normal sleep schedule.
- Try to get 9 hours of sleep every night.
- I know that if I miss one night of sleep, it sets off slipper slope of no sleep and severe anxiety.
- I don't lay in bed for longer then 20 mins trying to fall asleep. I get up and read, take a bubble bath, etc.
- I don't try to do it on my own anymore. When I know I can't sleep, I don't try to do it alone. I take ambien.
- I got a scentsy burner in my bedroom. I keep it filled with the French Lavender Wax. The scent puts me to sleep, and the light from it keeps me calm when I have a night tare. I don't wake up to a completely dark room when I am in the middle of a full blown panic attack.
- I have Lenny the lamb that I keep filled with french lavender as well. Yes I sleep with a stuffed animal. But I snuggle out to him, and his lovely lavender smell, puts me to sleep.
- I don't do anything that takes a lot of brain power within a hour of bed time. I don't write a blog (yes, that takes too much work), I try to not think about problems.I try to not think about the past. Otherwise my brain will start over thinking, and I will lay awake thinking about it.
- I use a white noise app on my phone. The new casa is TOO quite! So quite that when I'm trying to fall asleep, my ears start ringing. I have my app set to be on for 45 mins, then it fades out. I like the dishwasher setting with a splash of rain. I love it.
- I keep my room cold and my bed warm.
- Alcohol makes me not sleep well.
- Exercise puts my ass to sleep. AM work outs are not my friend, but night works lovely.
- I removed all clocks out of my bedroom. Otherwise the alarm clock stares at me, taunting me, of how much sleep I'm not getting.

This is some small tips that help me a lot. This is a ongoing list which I may or may not add to.

Blog Post From Mar. 28th, 2011

March 28th, 2011

So I had a interesting dream Saturday afternoon. I dreamed that S. was here visiting me from Heaven (in my dreams, I always know he’s visiting from heaven). Anyways, I asked him why he doesn't come and visit me more. He said because he killed himself, he is being punished, so he has to get approval from god to come see me. He said he is in counseling working on himself and his relationship with God, and he is hoping in the future he will be allowed to come see me whenever he wants.

 I told him that I went and saw a physic, and she told me that he messes with electronics to let me know he is there. I told him I don’t notice it, and he needs to make it more obvious that it’s him, and not just a electronic malfunction. He said ok.

The dream ended as it always does, with him telling me he has to get back to heaven, then I woke up.

 So I get up, and run to an appointment I had, I am sick as hell, but decided I couldn't put it off any longer. As I was pulling out of my neighborhood, the volume on my car stereo turns down, then off. That’s the second time I have had my car stereo turn up / down.

I truly question my thoughts on the afterlife at this point.

Teeny, Tiny, Purple flowers

Days after My Vegas Debut, G. sent me flowers that had the EXACT, Teeny, Tiny, purples flowers that were in my dream.

Now my question for you -
What kind of flowers are these?

Any why was the makeup artist covering my nipples with this certain flower?

And isn't life a lil ironic?

My Vegas Debut

I had a dream I was the main role in a play in Vegas.

I was Rapunzel.

I flew to Vegas, and went straight to my makeup artist.

I knew my costume was a white, fishnet body stocking, with a black thong.

The makeup artists job was to cover my nipples with fresh flowers.

He started with teeny, tiny, purple flowers. Each flower was so tiny, that he had to use tweezers to handle them.

He finally got the teeny, tiny, purple flowers glued to my nipples.

Days after this dream, G. sent me flowers that had the same
purple flowers in it that was in my dream

They looked great!

Then it was time to put on my body stocking.

As I pulled up my body stocking, all of the flowers fell off.

I stripped my stocking off, and he started glueing them all back on.

Once the flowers were on (again) I pulled up my body stocking.

Once again, the flowers fell off.

We decided to go with daisies.

We decided on white and yellow daisies.

He glue them on, and they looked FAB!

I pulled on my body stocking, only to have the flowers fall off again.

At this point I can hear them starting the play.

The said my name, stated I would be Rapunzel.

Everyone was applauding and cheering.

I was freaking out.

I was seconds away from needing to be on stage, yet my nipples wouldn't stay covered.

I finally told my makeup artist, fuck this!

I don't care if my nipples show!

I then realized my nipples were covered in glue.

I couldn't go on stage with my nipples covered in glue!!

I was frantically trying to rub the glue off.

Then they called my name.
It was my time.

I realized nipples covered in glue wasn't the worst thing that ever happened.
Hell, my husband committed suicide.

I pulled up my body stalking.
And started walking out on stage,  looking sexy as shit..

Then I woke up.

After much research on google of nipple dreams, I realized
To dream of breasts means nourishment and your need to be nursed and cared for. To dream that you are topless and show off your breasts means you feel anxious and out of control about something. 

Out of control? 
Please.

Anonymous Post - She changed

One of the things I've struggled with is having a hard time with reconciling who my wife was at first. She was the one who I fell in love with and wanted to spend my life with. She made me laugh. She appreciated what I did. She didn't play silly games to see if I'd prove how much I really cared. She didn't expect me to spend a lot of money on her or do lots of flashy stuff. She was smart, liked to read, and even better liked to think. She wasn't very outgoing, but she had a wicked sense of humor. She also liked it that I liked to make her laugh. She knew how badly it sucked to be cheated on, and as a result appreciated loyalty and wasn't going to cheat on me.

In the end, she was someone else. She was angry and withdrawn. More and more often, when I'd see her at the end of the day, she would talk for just a minute or two before saying that she was in too crappy of a mood at the time. Maybe we'd get to spend time together....later. She would sometimes start screaming and yelling and pounding on things when she'd get upset. Over time, it took less and less to get her upset enough to flip out like that. She'd say that she appreciated me doing so much to help out and take care of the house and all, but it seemed less and less that she wanted to actually be around me. Before she killed herself, she told me she was going to take off for a couple of days to work some things out. Little did I know she was leaving to kill herself. After all, she'd taken off once before and, when she came back, told me it'd been to work some things out.

Sometimes it's hard to put those together into a sense of one person. Abstractly, I intellectually know that both were true, and they were things about and done by her. The feel of it, though, is hard to put together. I don't know how to get those to come together so it's just one person I'm thinking of or recalling. I don't know how long it's going to take before that's going to happen. I don't know what it'll take to make it happen. I just hope that the time comes that it feels like it's just all been about one person.

Anonymous Blog - Sleeping Pills

Sleeping pills have always scared me. My family has a history of addiction and of using sleeping pills. So needless to say I was concerned when I started having some insomnia and my Dr gave me some sleeping pills. Well I knew the insomnia was causing a number of other problems in my life so I just sucked up my fear and took the pills for a few days. Well BINGO! they worked. I slept through the night, felt rested in the morning, my anxiety slowly went away and I started sleeping normally again. So I didn't take the pills. I have taken them from time to time when I have needed to insure that I got a good nights sleep but never more than a day or two a week as I did not want to become dependent on them. 

Well here is my problem, I have some really high stress things going on work wise in my life and they are beginning to cause me to loose sleep again. I don't have trouble falling asleep but I have a real hard staying asleep. This is starting to let my anxiety slowly to begin creeping up which also does not make me happy. So it has been advised to me that while this high stress situation continues, which will be for about 4 to 5 weeks, I should just take a pill every night before bed to ensure a good night sleep. Being groggy, sleep deprived and anxious really just makes things worse, so I understand the logic behind taking a pill every night to ensure that doesn't happen. I still have that same old fear of addiction or dependence though so not entirely sure what to do. Everything I have read for the most part indicates the pills I have are not addicting but then some do report withdrawl symptoms. SO I just don't know. I do know one thing though for SURE. I am taking one tonight. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings tomorrow.

Anonymous Post - Sex after the death of my spouse

One of the things I've struggled with since my spouse died is sex. On the one hand, I've really missed the sense of contact and connection, the closeness, and the purely physical enjoyment.  Heck, I also miss the idea of making someone else feel good, knowing I'm still at least capable of that, and having someone else care enough to return the favor.  I'm not the one who died, and part of being alive is still noticing the opposite sex, still wanting that.

At the same time, part of me still feels more than a little uncomfortable about the idea of being in bed with someone else.  I know part of it comes from having been married as long as I was.  I was never unfailthful during that time.  Sure, I noticed other people who were attractive, but anything beyond that would pretty quickly make me more than a little uncomfortable.  It got pretty well ingrained in me that being married meant that sex was something between me and my spouse...and not anyone else.  Now I'm finding that knowing that I'm essentially single again (at least as far as that goes) hasn't gotten through to that part of my brain that says that everyone else is off-limits.

So now I get to deal with being torn between wanting and sometimes hungering for someone else to be in bed with and a powerful aversion to that idea.  I know that there's no right answer, that this is one of those things we each get to figure out and deal with for ourselves.  No-one can give "The Right Answer" for it.  And it doesn't help that in the last few years my spouse was alive our sex life was getting increasingly strained and increasingly infrequent. Thinking back on the good times we'd spent with each other in that way is very difficult, too, as the reminder of what used to be and now is gone hurts, too.  Then again, so does remembering the times where things didn't work so well.

Since my spouse died, I have had sex with someone else.  Physically, it still feels good.  I'm glad to know I can still enjoy touching and being touched.  It is reassuring that it seems like those times have been mutually enjoyable, that that part of me isn't irrevocably broken.  At the same time, it feels bizarre when the old habits of what my spouse liked don't match up with who else I've been with. I've also found that I've kept part of myself shut off from them. I'm not ready to open up that much to anyone else right now.  It frankly has me worried, at least at times, about whether I'll ever be able to be that open with someone again, that it'll become making love once more and not just having sex.

And it sometimes makes me wonder if it's worth it to bother at all anymore.  I generally know the answer to that, especially for the long-term, but that doesn't change those times when I get tired of feeling confused and hurt and scared and angry.  I hate having those kinds of feelings associated with something that can be so wonderful and beautiful.  I guess that's just going to be part of working through that aspect of living longer than a spouse and having to figure out how do more than just survive.