Christmas 2012

As Christmas is upon me, I have been thinking of Christmas past.

Every year S. and I gave each other an ornament. We would open it on Christmas eve and hang them on the tree together.

One year we gave each other the same ornament. We just sat and laughed. I learned not to buy ornaments from Hallmark anymore, for the risk of buying S. the same ornament he bought me.

One year S. bought me a TV and DVD player for my craft studio. I was highly disappointed, as I really wanted a certain bracelet. I tried to not let my disappointment show, but I think it showed.

At about 2am S. got into the closet, and pulled out a box.

I knew from the shape of the box, that it was the bracelet I had hoped for.

Before I could open it, I sat and cried, feeling like an asshole. He got a good laugh out of making me think he just got me the TV/DVD player and played that out ALL day long.

We always did stockings for each other, and we would hide them. A lot of the time we spent Christmas morning trying to find our hidden stocking. One year S. searched for over an hour for his stocking, through his frustrating said "Just tell me where it is". "Silly, it's where you put wet stuff to dry it".

The dryer. The only place he hadn't looked. Ironically he had already looked in the washer, but for some reason skipped over the dryer.

This Christmas has been hard. I miss the traditions we had.

I miss waking up to him Christmas morning, jumping on the bed, and screaming "Santa came, get up!".

This year I feel blessed. I got the bracelet I hoped for (Was pretty shocked that I got it!). Santa really is magical.

Got an amazing necklace from my brother and his GF

I love the black and white diamonds

Got a power washer / steamer  that I thought i would never want until I had to spray the whole outside of my house off this summer.

Got a sound bar so I don't have to turn my TV up full blast, my very own pair of bowling shoes (That are insanely cute). Socks, candy, clothes. You name it.

My friends and family spoiling me like you wouldn't believe.

For me, the gifts I gave this year were small in a financial matter. But I am happy that I was able to get the people I love something, and more then anything just spend my Christmas with people that love me.

Some days I feel cursed and that the life I was handed it a crock of shit. (Today is one of those crock of shit days!)

But Christmas day, I am thankful for the love and support from my family and friends.

While life hands me a full hand of problems, it also hands me a full hand and heart of people that love me.

For that, I know I will survive.

All my love and Christmas blessings,
M.

Purple Christmas tree that was at the outlet stores in Lehi, UT

What am I thankful for?

While everyone is posting what they are thankful for on facebook, I thought I would share mine here. For my stalkers fans.

First, and most importantly, I am so thankful I am not spending Thanksgiving with my in laws. 

SO THANKFUL! 

S. never really liked spending time with his family. I always encouraged it saying "Life is too short, you never know when this is your last holiday together".

Honestly, I see why he didn't want to spend time with his family.

I get it.

And S. - I'm sorry for encouraging you to spend time with them.

I am thankful for my family. I don't know where I would be without them. 

Honestly, I know where I would be. I would be dead. I would have taken my own life by now.

Seeing what S.'s suicide did to my family, is the only thing that got me through my roughest times. I couldn't do that to my family.

I am especially thankful for my mom. Most times my mom doesn't know how to help me, but she TRIES. Unlike a lot of people in my life. At least my mom gives a damn and tries. My mom is my best friend, and I swear to budda, we are soul sista's.

My brother is amazing. He is my secret body guard, that would kick the shit out of anyone that messes with me. I remember when he was born. I was so pissed off at my mom for not giving me a sister. She brought home a brother. What kind of shit is that?! I am thankful for my brother. If he was a sister, I probably would have shanked him by now.

My dad is loving and supportive, in his own, shy, way. I love my dad. I'm pretty sure I am his favorite daughter. I feel bad for any dude that ever physically hurts his daughter, because the dude won't have a chance to make it to prison before my dad gets his hands on him.

I am thankful for my best friend, Jenny. When S. died, she was there through it all. We sat on my porch for probably a good 6 months straight after he died. She didn't understand what I was going through, but was there, none the less. I know no matter what, I can depend on her. And I am forever in-debt to her. I hope I never get the chance to pay her back.

I am thankful for the life S. and I had together. The love we shared.

The lessons S.'s love taught me. 

And the lessons his death has taught me. 

Then I am thankful for being alive. I do have mornings when I wake up, roll over, and think "Are you fucking kidding me? How am I still alive??" Even though life sucks balls sometimes, I am thankful I am alive, and get to live this life with people that love me.

I am thankful for food on the table, a lil cash in my wallet, a car, a good job, and roof over my head.

I am thankful for coffee. Especially with cinnabun creamer.

I am thankful for lip gloss. And make up. And cute clothes. My dogs. Glitter. My cell phone - aka - grand central station. Naps. A full nights sleep. Snow. Lilies. And spring.

I am thankful for having the internets in my home. Where I can read and research as much as I want, without having to worry about the consequences of my actions. I think we take this luxury for granite. There are countries that have facebook blocked. 

I am thankful that I don't live in a country where widows are shunned and forced to live a life alone and in misery. Some cutlers – widows are killed, simply because their husband died. 

I am thankful for my widow friends. Oh, how they have helped me through the most trying times. Especially times that “none widowed” people don't understand. I am thankful that they are always a call, text, email, or click away.

I am thankful that S. and I did not successfully conceive a child, even though we tried.

There, I said IT. 

I am happy we didn't have child together, and I am thankful that I don't have to try to explain to my child what happened to his/her dad. Seeing my suicide widows struggle with telling their child the honest to god truth about their dad, is gut wrenching. How do you explain to a child that their dad chose to leave this life?

I am thankful for Steve Madden's shoes. Guess. Juicy Couture. Bubble baths and hot running water. My fucking amazing bed!

I am thankful that I have a boss that understands when I call him and say - I need a break, I'm not coming to work. In turn, I am thankful for vacation pay. Where I can take time off as I please, and still get paid.

I am thankful for the 10 years I did have with S. I wouldn't trade anything for that time. Even if it meant I could trade my pain for that 10 years.. I wouldn't do it. I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

A friend posted this, and I am stealing it. It rang so true, and I never thought about how I love being independent, and alone.

I am thankful that I have the life skills to live an independent life. If I want to live somewhere, I do it, If I want to travel, I go, If I want something, I buy it. I don't have to discuss, argue or barter with another person to have any of my needs and wants met. That being said, I know firsthand when you are in a good relationship none of that matters. I also know when you are in a bad relationship that it is all that matters. So since I am in neither I will say I am grateful that I am free to live and run my life the way I want and if I ever meet someone else, he better respect that!

Most of all, I am thankful that this Thanksgiving, I am thankful. Being thankful is something that was ripped away from me. Years past, I didn't have anything to be thankful for, other then - I'm glad S. didn't kill me too.

This year, I am thankful just to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Easter lilies

The (dead) tradition didn't stop the the Easter bunny from remembering my lilies!

And I don't even have these ones.

Thanks Mr. Bunny <3

Happy Easter

After last years melt down over Easter, I decided it was best that I went and play at the Sand Dunes for the weekend.

I had a total blast. I needed it so bad.

I also found, that the 2 hour drive (alone) was really good for me. I need to do that more often.

Although, as much as I knew I wouldn't wake up to Easter Lilies I was secretly hoping the bunny wouldn't forget my lilies.

Tomorrow I am going lily shopping, which is a huge grief trigger, but I want to carry on the Easter tradition.

The tradition I didn't know existed.