Christmas 2012

As Christmas is upon me, I have been thinking of Christmas past.

Every year S. and I gave each other an ornament. We would open it on Christmas eve and hang them on the tree together.

One year we gave each other the same ornament. We just sat and laughed. I learned not to buy ornaments from Hallmark anymore, for the risk of buying S. the same ornament he bought me.

One year S. bought me a TV and DVD player for my craft studio. I was highly disappointed, as I really wanted a certain bracelet. I tried to not let my disappointment show, but I think it showed.

At about 2am S. got into the closet, and pulled out a box.

I knew from the shape of the box, that it was the bracelet I had hoped for.

Before I could open it, I sat and cried, feeling like an asshole. He got a good laugh out of making me think he just got me the TV/DVD player and played that out ALL day long.

We always did stockings for each other, and we would hide them. A lot of the time we spent Christmas morning trying to find our hidden stocking. One year S. searched for over an hour for his stocking, through his frustrating said "Just tell me where it is". "Silly, it's where you put wet stuff to dry it".

The dryer. The only place he hadn't looked. Ironically he had already looked in the washer, but for some reason skipped over the dryer.

This Christmas has been hard. I miss the traditions we had.

I miss waking up to him Christmas morning, jumping on the bed, and screaming "Santa came, get up!".

This year I feel blessed. I got the bracelet I hoped for (Was pretty shocked that I got it!). Santa really is magical.

Got an amazing necklace from my brother and his GF

I love the black and white diamonds

Got a power washer / steamer  that I thought i would never want until I had to spray the whole outside of my house off this summer.

Got a sound bar so I don't have to turn my TV up full blast, my very own pair of bowling shoes (That are insanely cute). Socks, candy, clothes. You name it.

My friends and family spoiling me like you wouldn't believe.

For me, the gifts I gave this year were small in a financial matter. But I am happy that I was able to get the people I love something, and more then anything just spend my Christmas with people that love me.

Some days I feel cursed and that the life I was handed it a crock of shit. (Today is one of those crock of shit days!)

But Christmas day, I am thankful for the love and support from my family and friends.

While life hands me a full hand of problems, it also hands me a full hand and heart of people that love me.

For that, I know I will survive.

All my love and Christmas blessings,
M.

Purple Christmas tree that was at the outlet stores in Lehi, UT

Right hand wedding rings

After having my wedding ring redone and turned into a right hand ring.

I did some research on WHY a right handed wedding ring symbolizes widowed, it's just generations of tradition.

Some countries wear their wedding rings on their right hand.

I starting thinking, IF I get remarried, would I wear my wedding ring from S. on my right hand, with my new set from the new hubby on my left hand?

The answer - Yes.

It represents a part of who I am. Not part of who I WAS.
I am a widow.

And eventually a wife (again).

Losing S. will always be with me.
For someone to love me, they have to have room in their heart for S. as well.
Just because I get remarried, doesn't mean my life with S. disappears.

I decided today, that when I get remarried... My wedding ring will stay on my right hand.
If the guy isn't comfortable with it, then he isn't allowing enough room in his heart to love S.. which is a deal breaker for me.

Here's a picture of my new ring

Easter lilies

The (dead) tradition didn't stop the the Easter bunny from remembering my lilies!

And I don't even have these ones.

Thanks Mr. Bunny <3

Happy Easter

After last years melt down over Easter, I decided it was best that I went and play at the Sand Dunes for the weekend.

I had a total blast. I needed it so bad.

I also found, that the 2 hour drive (alone) was really good for me. I need to do that more often.

Although, as much as I knew I wouldn't wake up to Easter Lilies I was secretly hoping the bunny wouldn't forget my lilies.

Tomorrow I am going lily shopping, which is a huge grief trigger, but I want to carry on the Easter tradition.

The tradition I didn't know existed.

His world

I was his whole world. Everyone always said the way he looked at me, you could see how deeply he loved me.

He IS my whole world. I love him more everyday. The pain of losing him runs so deep in my soul, that sometimes I wonder if I will live through it.

I never thought losing a spouse would be this painful.

Or maybe I never put much thought into what if S. dies?

I miss the traditions I didn't even realize were a tradition. Every Easter S. would buy me lilies, and we would plant them together. My first Easter without S. was a little bit of a shocker.

I woke up that morning, still expecting my lilies. I didn't realize we had a tradition. And I didn't realize that tradition died with S.

I realized I don't have two lilies a like. They are all different. How he knew which ones I had, is beyond me. Or maybe it was just coincidence that he never bought the same ones.

I'll never know.

When I moved to my new house, the first thing I did was dig up my lilies. They were supposed to be at home, with me. Since my home is in a different place now, so are my lilies.

I want to carry on the Easter tradition. But I find I have no freaking clue what lilies I have. So as they bloom this year, I will take pictures of them... to remember which ones I have. So I never buy the ones I already have. Just like S. did.

I am finding I want to be someone's whole world again. I want someone to be my whole world. I miss knowing that at the end of the day, I was loved so deeply, that it didn't matter how I looked, or what kind of mood I was in. I loved being married, and I miss that. I know if I get remarried, I will be a better wife. A better friend. And I will live each day as if it is my husband's last day alive. I won't let life get a hold of me. Who's turn is it to empty the dishwasher?

It's not worth the fight.

I'll never forget my first moment of gratefulness. I was at a party, about a year after S. died. We were all sitting outside, enjoying the summer weather, with cold beers in hand. At some point I realized all the woman had moved inside, and I was outside hanging with the dudes.

I went in to see what the ladies were up to, and I found them sitting around the kitchen table.

They were complaining about their husbands. He never helps around the house. We don't have sex often enough. I feel like a slave.

I quickly turned around and walked back outside to hang with the dudes.

I knew if i didn't, I was going to scream "At least your husband isn't dead!!! Try keeping up with life (dishes, laundry, etc, etc) while mourning the lose of your loved one, and have NO help at all from your husband.. because he's dead!!". I'll never forget that moment. I vowed to not let myself fall into the poor me, if I ever get remarried.

The thought of getting remarried and loving again is terrifying. Even more, what if he dies? Can I live through this again?

The answer is no. I can't. I won't survive. Maybe my past experience with losing a spouse would make it "easier" next time, as I would be more equipped. I now own a mental book called "Holy fuck, what happened!! Here's a list of things to help you through this fucked up, unfair life".

Sometimes I think it's better to not love again, then to lose again.

I am hoping as my grief carries on, and slowly dwindles, that the fears will subside.

It's a sad feeling to look at your life and think "That's it, I had true love, and lost it. I'll never experience that again".