Weak or Bravery

A post got me thinking about this.

Do you consider suicide cowardly, selfish and weak OR something that requires A LOT of courage, faith and bravery?

Having gone through a very suicidal point in my life, I would have to say it's courage and bravery. As much as I wanted to die, I don't have the guts to hurt myself. I could never put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I am too scared.

And holding your breath until you die, doesn't work. I've tried it.

I think to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger, takes A LOT of courage and bravery, and also having faith that the after life is better then what they were experiencing here.

I have never looked at it from the courage side. I just can't imagine pulling the trigger. Weak in a way, as they can not face another day, but also courage and determination to pull that trigger.

It has opened my eyes a little bit.

Maybe S. was too weak to face the world any longer.
But strong enough, mentally, to pull the trigger.

Right hand wedding rings

After having my wedding ring redone and turned into a right hand ring.

I did some research on WHY a right handed wedding ring symbolizes widowed, it's just generations of tradition.

Some countries wear their wedding rings on their right hand.

I starting thinking, IF I get remarried, would I wear my wedding ring from S. on my right hand, with my new set from the new hubby on my left hand?

The answer - Yes.

It represents a part of who I am. Not part of who I WAS.
I am a widow.

And eventually a wife (again).

Losing S. will always be with me.
For someone to love me, they have to have room in their heart for S. as well.
Just because I get remarried, doesn't mean my life with S. disappears.

I decided today, that when I get remarried... My wedding ring will stay on my right hand.
If the guy isn't comfortable with it, then he isn't allowing enough room in his heart to love S.. which is a deal breaker for me.

Here's a picture of my new ring

Grocery Shopping = Unexpected surprises

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. As most of you know, I would rather go to the dentist then the grocery store.
At least at the dentist, I only have to go every 6 months.

I was browsing through the store, trying to get out of there quickly.

There was a older gentlemen (probably early 60's) stalking the shelves on the isle I was on.

He said good morning, and asked if I needed help finding anything.
I told him good morning, and I was finding my way just fine.

I walked by, still looking at the shelves. Not really looking for something in participial. Just looking.

He came up to me and said "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you how beautiful you are".
I was fidgeting in my shoes and purse. Feeling a little uncomfortable.
He said "You really caught my eye".

I said thank you, trying not to show how awkward I felt.
I joked that I didn't even take a shower, had no make up on, my hair wasn't even pulled into a pretty ponytail. I joked that we need more guys like him around.

He said "Why?".

I said well, seems like guys my age, you have to be drop dead gorgeous, skinny, have a lot of money, and an amazing personalty. Which I must not have any of the above, as I can't seem to find the one.

I said guys are just shallow now days (Shit I sound old) and there are no nice guys left.
He said that's a real shame. Agreed.

We started talking a little bit, and he asked if I was married. I said I was for 10 years. He said "oh, divorce?".

I said no.. he passed away two years ago.

Of course I got the sad "poor you" look and a "I'm so sorry".

He asked what happened, if I didn't mind sharing.

I told him suicide.

This older gentlemen stared at me.

Then started crying.

He asked if he could share a story with me.
I said sure.

He said last year, he tried to kill himself for the 3rd time.
And lived.
And decided god had another plan for him.

He said he became sober at that time, has been medicated, and is doing a lot better.

I told him S. had 3 suicide attempts.
And was successful on the 4th.

I didn't have to say much more then that, as I think he knew I was saying "Your luck is over, and the 4th time is the charm".

We talked for quite a while, and I left feeling..
Like I was right where I was supposed to be, that day.

That for some reason, my world, and his world, were meant to smash into each other with major force.

I drove home wondering "What did he gain from our conversation?"

And "What did I gain?"

I gained - knowing you can't protect someone from themselves (which I already knew, but this reinforced it).

I thought about how suicide tends to follow me now.
Why?
Is it my "job" to help suicide victims?

I also learned that because a 60 year old guy tells me I am pretty, I need to learn to LISTEN and not get weirded out.

Somethings in this life I will never understand.

It could have always been worse..

Prompted by another widow's blog posting, I started thinking about how S.'s death could have been worse.

For anyone that doesn't know, S. committed suicide on 7/27/10.

How could it have been worse?

Well let me count the ways.

He could have taken me with him. Although in the early days I cursed at him for not taking me with.
He could have walked into a school, mall, etc, and taken unsuspecting strangers with him.
I could have came home to find him.
Instead he hiked up to a local min (that is a bitch to get to) and killed himself there.
The police could have never found his body.
I was lucky enough that they found his body within 48 hours. Can't imagine the pain of not ever finding his body.
He could have killed himself in front of me.
I didn't have to "pull the plug".
He could have experienced the person he loved  more then anything (ME) giving up on him and walking out.
Instead, I stayed.
I took care of him. For 3 very long years.
He could have killed himself at work.
He could have killed himself at school.
He could have suffered. Although I am not 100% sold on the medical results that he didn't suffer. (Who's to say your soul leaving your body isn't a painful experience?)
We could have been fighting at the time, saying hurtful things. (We weren't).
He could have killed himself while we were on vacation in Hawaii weeks earlier.
He could have not used that time in Hawaii to say his goodbyes to me. (Although I didn't realize it was his way of saying goodbye until months after his death).
He could have killed himself as I went into shoulder surgery, two weeks prior to his death. Leaving me unable to take care of myself and dealing with his death on top of my very painful surgery.
We could have had a loveless marriage.
We could have hated each other.
I could have went against what he wanted for his funeral (and remains).
Instead I stood my ground. I fought for what he wanted.
Even when his family was very angry at me for not doing what THEY wanted done for his funeral and remains.
I could have been completely alone. With no love and support from my friends and family.
I could not have a job.
I could be homeless.
I could not have my new heaven in my new home.
I could be in a mental hospital.
I could have let his death kill me as well.
Around the 8 month mark, as much as I thought about it, I didn't kill myself.

Instead -

He knew true love.
I know true love.
We had a great life together.
He finally knew what it was to belong to a family. An amazing family.

- And the good that came out of the bad - 


He could have shot himself and lived.
And I would be by his side, taking care of my husband, that would be severely brain damaged.