Movie Review: We're The Millers

Last night I watched We're The Millers.

The movie is insanely funny. I laughed through the whole movie.

On the negative side - The suicide reference (The best way to kill yourself) I found insulting and tacky.

Even before I knew the devastation of my husband's suicide, I didn't find suicide funny.

Suicide isn't funny. Yet movie producers put it in movies, thinking it's funny.

Maybe some people find it funny. But to a suicide survivor, it's insulting.

I've been warned that Anchorman 2 has a failed suicide scene in it, so be warned.

Other than the suicide reference, We're The Millers was hilarious.

I give We're The Millers 4 stars out of 5. They lost a star due to the suicide reference.

Highly recommend, make sure to watch the outtakes at the end.

The light

Here's a little secret about me.. I wake up at 3:00am every morning to go pee. Doesn't matter if I climbed in bed at 2:00am, come 3:00am.. BAM I am awake and have to pee.

This morning at 3:00am (of course) I was slowly being woken by a light.. a light I was watching from behind my eyelids.

It was slowly growing brighter, slowly getting closer.. but I was in a deep sleep.. Suddenly my eyes shot open. The light I was viewing from behind my eye lids, shot across my bedroom light a giant shooting star.

My first thought was "WTF is someone doing with a flashlight in my backyard??"

I got up and let my dog into the backyard. After all if there was someone in my backyard.. they wouldn't stay long seeing the size of my dog, nor would my dog be quite about someone being in the yard.
When I let her out I watched her from behind my locked door. She went out, did her business, and was ready to come back inside. She didn't even huff at anything. I couldn't hear anything (you couldn't jump my fence quietly now matter how good you are).

I let her back inside and crawled back into bed. I couldn't stop thinking about the light. Since I had to get up for work at 4:00am anyway.. I decided to just get up and go to work.

Now that I have done my job duties and can sit down and relax.. the visions of the light keep coming back to me.

It was a bright white light. It had a ball in the front of it with a white (straight) tail behind it. Now that I can actually think about the light and process what happened without sleep in my brain.. I can't shake the way the light looked.

The light was in my room.. it seemed to slowly be moving towards me, until I woke up.. than it quickly shot a crossed my room and disappeared. Almost like it didn't want to be seen?

Now this isn't the first time I have been woken up at 3:00am by something weird. I often hear someone say my name. I have been woken by the feeling that I'm not alone to find a shadow standing in my bedroom. Weirdness always happens around 3:00am.

I have often chalked it up to.. I was dreaming.

But this light I can't ignore. It was there. In my room. I was fully awake and frightened.

It's times like this that I know I am never truly alone.

Maybe my husband is still with me after all.

Weirdness in My Land

There’s some weird energy in my life right now.

The other night, I got a frantic message from a co-worker that she had a dream about S.

The dream went as follows:

She was watching herself sleep (In the bedroom she has now), when S. walked in and walked up to her. He blew in her face and yelled “Wake up!” She sat up in bed, and he was rambling on. He was talking to fast and angry for her to understand. She told him to slow down, she didn’t understand. He grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her, and said “Fucking listen to me, this is important! I need you to watch M. really close. Especially at work. Watch every step she takes. I need you to take care of her and protect her, especially when she is driving away.” She then woke up.

The dream was so real, she was confused how she just woke up when in her dream she was already awake, and how S. was just standing in her bedroom, then was gone.

She said S. was very agitated, panicked, and in a rush.

I chalked it up to the recent car problems I have had (Details at the bottom) but decided to take extra precaution with driving. I have people run red lights on me probably twice a month, happens constantly, so I’m always watching, waiting for someone to run the light. I made a mental note to be careful driving, be careful driving drowsy (thanks insomnia), and to be careful because of my car problems.

 I seriously just thought my co-worker was worried about me because I was recently locked in my car with no way to escape.

This morning I had a dream that my friend texted me and said “S. is really pissed off, something is wrong!” When I got the text, I knew S. was dead.. and I knew he had been dead for a while, so I was confused by my friends message. I dialed my friend’s number, put the phone to my ear, then my alarm went off, waking me up.

I thought it was a weird dream. I planned on texting my friend later in the day and telling him about the dream, but first I had to get ready for work.

As I was getting ready for work, I heard my phone go off.. this is like 6:30am. The only person that texts that early is my boss. I checked my phone… and well, the friend I dreamed about had text me, had a dream about S. last night.

Here’s his dream:

So here is my dream as best as I can remember and some of it I don’t think makes much damn sense. Some of it is really clear, like I am clear about sitting at my desk right now, other parts are foggy and hazy like I can’t tell if they were real or what.

So it starts with S. and I sitting at what looks like a sports bar. It reminds me of the Bout Time by the E Center. We are sitting there at a tall table with two big beers in front of us. He is ranting about how I don’t understand how serious this is. I don’t have any idea what he is talking about but he is really irritated. I can’t tell if he is irritated with me or what he is ranting about. I had this sense though, which I really don’t have any idea about his size that he was much bigger than me. I know that sounds random but it was just a weird sense I got. Anyway, I was trying to calm him down so he would tell me what I didn’t understand and what was so serious. The felling I got is the same one I get when T. is ranting about something. He just goes off and I have to try and calm him down to get to whatever it is he is ranting about. Anyway, He just kept telling me that I didn’t understand how serious this was. So I sort of barked back at him that “ I got it” this is serious but what do you want me to fucking do. He said I have to take care of M. To look out for her and protect her. That he knew that I would always protect you. That he needed to be able to count on me. So I reassured him that I would but that he needed to tell me what the fuck the problem was. He just said again that I didn’t or maybe it was possibly that I wouldn’t, understand how serious it was. He got up and left and I asked him where he was going, that he hadn’t finished his beer and that I still didn’t understand. He looked at me and said “ yes you do” and that he knew I would take care of you….

Then things get fuzzy..this is the part that I can’t get a lock on so to speak..What is clear about this is you and I sitting on a bed in a strange house. The bed was one of those old time beds with the metal head and foot board. Anyway, we were running or hiding from someone or something. Not clear..but we were hiding in this house in this bedroom. I had my arm around you with your head in my chest and kept telling you that I would not let anything happen to you. That you would be safe. I was kissing the top of your head. You were crying and upset but I just kept telling you not to worry. I would never let anyone or maybe it was anything get you. Then a loud noise like a siren or something from down stairs went off and I woke up..

So it was weird. The S. part like I said was pretty damn clear. The you part was more fuzzy, dream like, ummm distant to some degree. But I had a very strong emotion about you when I woke up. I still don’t know what the warning was about but he was clear that he knew he could count on me to care for and look after you. Which is very true but I find strange given what has happened between us and that I have not been present in your life for the last 6 mos or so. So anyway, that was what I remember about my dream last night. I didn’t or don’t remember any other dreams or having any dreams for weeks for that matter.

When my friend told me about his dream, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. How is it possible I dreamed my friend texting me that, when my friend is having this dream about S. at almost the exact same time??

I’m on edge. Several people in my life are on edge. 

I had to do the one thing I hate doing. Reminding my mother that if something did happen to me, what I would want. I wouldn’t want to be paralyzed or left on machines. My mom hates these conversations, but without a spouse.. those duties fall to my parents, and I don’t want them to ever question what I would or wouldn’t want.

One thing that is repeating in all 3 dreams is S.’s agitation about the situation.

Something is amiss somewhere, and I can’t figure out what it is, what these signs are, or hell.. what to even do with the information.

For now I will be extra cautious with everything I do (lock the doors, don’t go out alone at night, be safe driving) and will be updating my will, yet again.

(Car details, this happened last week-While driving my 2005 VW Jetta the other day, the car started dinging at me, indicating that the driver’s side door was open. I pulled over (on the side of the freeway), went to open my door, only to find out I could not open the door. Nor could I roll down the window. I was locked inside of my car, on the side of the freeway!)

FYI Volkswagen is aware of the design flaw and has not recalled this part. So if you found this blog looking for reviews on Volkswagen, I say run to Honda.

Bucket List

My bucket list. Started 12/29/12.

Updated 7/17/13

Goals for 2013
- Spend a week in Mexico - Trip taken May 2013, was a little too much fun!!
- Take a trip to Lake Tahoe with my bestie. This is no longer a priority or goal in my life.
- Get a boob job (Yep, I went there).
- Buy myself something nice for the 3 year (death) anniversary - July 2013.
- Finish losing the last couple of inches I want to lose. Accomplished June 2013, thanks mono and anxiety!
- Cut my hair off and donate it, again.
- Take a vacation - alone. - Possibly happening July-August 2013
- Have a day where I wake up and my first thought isn't "My husband is dead".
- Focus on the people that love me. Currently working on as of 7/2013

- Leave the people behind that bring drama, hurt and pain into my life. Currently working on as of 7/2013

Goals for 2014
- Go back to school for a degree in ____ unknown at this time.

Goals for a unknown date
- Get married in Paris or Mexico (Gotta find the "one" first).
- Plan my future with "the one".
- Dive to see the Christ statue in San Fruttuoso, Italy.. See it here!
- Practice scuba diving so I can handle the 60 foot dive to see the Christ Statue.
- Visit the El Hotel del Salto in Colombia.See it here!

Suicide Search

Someone found my blog by searching the internet with “Every day I wake up thinking of suicide.”

When I started this blog I knew that someone in despair might find it. That someone, somewhere would feel the need to type those words into a search engine.  

My brain knew this would happen eventually, but my heart never let me believe it.  

Finding out that someone read my blog by searching the word "suicide” has left me shattered.

It scares me. It leaves me feeling that someone out there thinks suicide is the only answer.

It pains me to know there is someone out there that needs help, but I can't help since I have no way of knowing who this person is.

Through my pain I want to share what suicide has done to my life. So if someone searches “Every day I wake up thinking of suicide” they will hopefully find this blog, or find me.

I lost my life to suicide.

I did not lose my physical life or body to suicide. I lost something worse than that.

I lost my best friend, companion, soul mate, and reason for living.

I lost my husband to suicide.

The one thing I never thought I would lose.

My husband’s suicide ended his mental suffering (or so I assume), but it did not end his pain. Instead, his suicide pushed his pain onto everyone who loved him.  I can’t count how many people now suffer from the pain of his suicide.

I know my husband could not see any other option. He had reached the end of his rope with doctors and treatment.

But I firmly believe my husband had no idea how badly he was going to hurt me. Maybe he couldn't see past his pain to think about the pain he was going to cause others. But I know for a fact if my husband knew how devastated I would be, and still am, he would not have killed himself.

His suicide tore me to shreds. His suicide tore my soul out of my body. It shattered my life. It shattered my family and his family. It shattered his friends and my friends.

Suicide shattered our hopes and dreams.

It took away my reason for living. I almost paid the ultimate price for my husband’s suicide. I considered taking my own life.

I gave up on living. The only way I could think of moving on from this horrendous pain was suicide.

But, because I saw what my husband’s suicide did to my family I realized I could never do that to them. My only choice was to keep living. Well, not just live, but be alive and fight the urge to die.  To move on without my husband the best I can.

To the person that found my blog I have this to say - I wish you would have reached out to me. I wish I could have told you how completely devastating suicide has been to me.

I wish I could have begged you to get help. I wish I could have told you that it does get better. Sure, maybe you need some treatment, more than I can give you, but you can get better.

You are not alone.

Your suicide will shatter and devastate more people than you will ever understand. You do not leave this world alone. You might be alone physically when you choose to end your life but you will take your friends and family with you. 

We don't know what happens to us after this life. Sure, we have religion and our beliefs, which give us hope there is more after this life.  But we don’t truly know what happens.

How do you know suicide will end your pain? How do you know you won’t continue to feel the pain after you kill yourself? Then what?

How do we know we are not stuck between heaven and earth?  Or sent back to earth to learn this lesson over? How do you know that you are not forced to see the pain of your friends and family for all eternity?

How do you know your suicide will not cause more suicides because those who were closest to you can’t deal with their loss?

I've heard a lot of people say “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” My husband’s problem was not temporary. But neither was his death. His problem lasted three years before it took his life. 

But his life is over now. There is no going back.  My husband died at 31 years old.

He will never see another rainbow. He will never hit the slopes on his snowboard. He will never go camping, jet-skiing, work or have a hot meal with me after a long day. He will never sit on the beach with me. We can never jump on a plane and go play somewhere tropical. He can't watch me grow and change, and he can't be there in my last days on this earth. He can't hold my hand as I grow old and frail. He can't have children and watch them grow. He will not see his parents age, and he will never feel the warmth of the sun.

He is forever gone. There is no do-over. There is no reset button. There is just death.

So for the person that stumbled onto my blog, I pray you are still out there. I pray you read this blog, and I pray you realize your pain is not yours alone.

I pray you ask for help.

Asking for help does not make you weak. It means you are courageous.  And through that courage you can find the help and desire to live.

Dear Bipolar

Dear Bipolar,

I am writing you this letter 1,622 days since you came into my life and stole my sweet husband’s soul.

This letter will reach you 908 days after you physically took my husband from me.

Since you have done this to so many peoples life’s, you probably don’t remember me. I will try to refresh your memory.

1,622 days ago, you came into my life, uninvited. You were not invited in, I know I did not leave a door or window open, yet suddenly you were there. You stepped into my husband’s soul, turned my amazing and vibrant husband into a depressed, angry, anxiety ridden, empty shell of a person.

You caused my amazingly bright and creative husband to see dead people, hear voices, and caused him to think about suicide daily. Your voice was in my husband’s head. You ridiculed him at every turn. “You’re not good enough” you said.

You took the sparkle out of his eye.

You took the pep out of his walk.

You took away his smile. How could you take away that amazing smile??

You took away his trust and faith in the world around him, causing him to think the world was after him.

You even made my husband think I was out to harm him.

You entered our life when we were just getting started. You see, we were happy. We didn't need YOU. Yet, you kept working on my husband. Bit by bit, destroying him.

908 days ago, you put a gun to my husband’s head and took him away from me.

Left me widowed at 29 years old.

When I am angry about my husband’s suicide, I blame you.

My husband would have never killed himself. But you were happy to do it.

Bipolar, I hate everything about you.

I hate your games, your mania, your depression, your psychosis, even your name. Bipolar = Two polar opposites. Did you leave something out when you created your name? I think you did.

Because of you, I do not get to see my “happy ending”. I do not get to live to be old with my husband. We will never have children or fulfill our dreams and goals.

Bipolar, your day is coming. I might not live to see that day. But your days are numbered.

A cure is coming.

It might be in the form of a pill, a shot, surgery, or hell.. maybe even a microchip.

When I get to the other side, my first duty is to get rid of you.

I will not let you destroy another person. I will not let you destroy another family.

Mark my words, your days are coming to an end.

And I will be watching, with my husband’s arms around me, with a huge bowl of popcorn and a huge beer when it all comes crashing down.

And guess what? 

Fuck you Bipolar!

Sincerely,

M

(If you or someone you know suffers from mental illness (Including if you have a parent that is mentally ill but you are not, they want to study YOU), PLEASE consider organ donation to the Harvard Brain Bank <-- click="click" font="font" here.="here.">

They are trying to find a cure for mental illness, but need organ donation.

My husband wanted his brain donated to the Harvard Brain Bank, unfortunately I could not fulfill that wish.

Please help with the research and study of mental illness for future generations.)

Movie Review: The Words

The words, Ah.. I don't even know how to right how much I loved this movie.

Was amazing! I highly Recommend it!

Five Stars!

What goes around comes around

Karma is a bitch.

One day it will come full circle, and I'm glad I can stand tall and look at myself in the mirror every morning.

When the day comes, I won't have to answer to god or my deceased husband for my actions.