Hiding suicide

I didn't sleep good last night.

I had a nightmare that seemed to last all night long.

I dreamed S. was back, and killed himself all over again.

Somehow I knew he was in my car, and I tracked down my car, and he wasn't in it.

There was pillows in the back seat, completely soaked in blood.


In the front seat, there was a bottle of some pink liquid. Something that I knew was some kind of poison to kill yourself with.


There was a suicide note (S. didn't leave one in real life). I can't remember what it said, but I remember it was like 6 pages long, and I was really pissed it didn't say anything about me. Not even an "I love you".

In my dream, I was frantically trying to clean up the blood. I had his blood all over me. Everything was soaking wet with blood. Everything I touched was wet.

I was soaking wet with his blood.

I was trying so hard to clean it up, and hide the fact that he killed himself AGAIN.

In my dream I remember thinking how ashamed S. was of his mental problems. I didn't want to world to know about his problems, because I knew he was ashamed. I didn't want the world to know he failed.

Again.

I haven't had dreams of S. and suicide. Not that I can remember. Now I have had one two nights in a row.

Today I am angry. Angry that I have to live with someone else's decision for the rest of my life.
Angry that it will never go away.
Sure it's gotten easier.
And will continue to get easier.
But I am fucking pissed that my reality is based off someone else's decision.

Pissed that it will never, ever, go away.

I am pissed. I am back at stage 3 - Anger

I know my brain is processing a lot. Things in life are going good, moving forward, but the lingering two year anniversary is eating at me slowly. How the fuck has it only been two years?

This didn't happen in this life. This was my last life. Somehow my past life and this life have gotten twisted together.

His suffering, my 3 years of suffering, his death, wasn't in this life.

Today I will call into work, get some sleep, and work on my crafty projects I have been working on.

Suicide all over again

I had a dream.

S. killed himself again.

Like he came back to life, and killed himself again.

My first thoughts were "Well shit, I've already done this, so this will be easy. I'll just do the funeral and everything the same as the first time!"

My second thought was "Fuck, he didn't fit in one urn the first time, which means I need to buy TWO urns again, what the fuck am I going to do with two urns which will equal FOUR urns??".

Note to self: Marry someone that weights less then 200lbs so he will fit in one urn.

Weak or Bravery

A post got me thinking about this.

Do you consider suicide cowardly, selfish and weak OR something that requires A LOT of courage, faith and bravery?

Having gone through a very suicidal point in my life, I would have to say it's courage and bravery. As much as I wanted to die, I don't have the guts to hurt myself. I could never put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I am too scared.

And holding your breath until you die, doesn't work. I've tried it.

I think to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger, takes A LOT of courage and bravery, and also having faith that the after life is better then what they were experiencing here.

I have never looked at it from the courage side. I just can't imagine pulling the trigger. Weak in a way, as they can not face another day, but also courage and determination to pull that trigger.

It has opened my eyes a little bit.

Maybe S. was too weak to face the world any longer.
But strong enough, mentally, to pull the trigger.

Weight loss

I reached my goal weight a couple of months ago.. 150lbs.

My weight stayed the same, and I haven't lost any inches..

I am now working on getting to my goal inches!

Hardcore diet started yesterday, which consists of 5 meals, NO snacking.

Totals for the day
Calories - 1500, Each Meal - 300
Protein - 125 grams
Carbs - 125 grams
Fat - 50 grams
Each meal - 300 calories, 25 g Protein, 25 g Carbs, 10 g Fat.

Work out 5 days a week, and get a shot of B-12 once a week in my ass!

Come on inches!!

High wind visit

Had a dream about S. last night.
I dreamt he as hugging me, I had my face barred in his chest.
He was hugging me so tight.
I never saw his face, my face was barred too deep in his chest.
I asked "Are you here from Heaven?"
He said "Yes, but I have to leave now".

All a sudden the wind was blowing SO hard.. blowing my hair and clothes. I could feel him getting sucked away from me from the wind.

He said "I have to go back"
I said "no no, just another minute please".
I was hugging him so tight, but I wasn't strong enough to hold him from getting sucked back.

Sometimes I wonder what is a dream, and what is a visit.