Even more, I have changed.
And I realize I have changed.
Who am I NOW?
- First and foremost -
I am a wife. I will always be a wife. Even if I get remarried, S. will still be my husband. I will just have two husband's.
- I am a daughter and sister to a family that would drop dead to give me life.
- I am very spiritual. God and I have our battles (Ok I have my battles with god). Before S. died, I wasn't sure about god, after life, etc. I now truly believe in god (even though I am pretty sure he is a SHE) and there is a life after this.
- I am not a survivor. I have no other choice but to keep moving forward.
- I am not strong. I am weak. Just because I can keep moving forward and keep trying to find happiness, does not make me strong. What else do I do? Crawl into bed the rest of my life? Kill myself? There really is no other option but to keep moving on.
- I have always been an impatient person. But I have zero patience now. Zelch.
- I have always stood up for what I believed in. But now I'll tell someone to shut the fuck up quickly if I see someone doing / saying something rude, insensitive, or inappropriate.
- I have always been.. I guess a closed in person. Even more closed now. People close to me know me well, people I meet I keep at arms length. I am a private person, and don't lay all my cards out on the first game.
- I have always had a mouth that tends to speak what my brain thinks. I now have no filter. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I was raised being taught to not speak out of anger, and to not say something you don't mean. Trust me, if I say something, positive or negative, I mean it.
And I'll never regret what I said.
- I don't deal with toxic people. Before I would try to keep the peace, now I could give a flying fuck.
- I either love you or hate you. There is no in between. So if I meet you, and want nothing to do with you, it's because I hate you. Sorry.
- I am selfish. Very selfish. This is my life. My house. My car. And if you don't like it, then pack your shit. I put my own happiness on hold for 3 years to take care of S. It's now MY turn to be happy, and do what makes me happy. If that makes me a self centered, stuck up bitch, take a number and stand in life with all the other people that are crying over "the new me".
- I know life is too short to be unhappy. Grief is enough unhappiness for me. I refuse to live my life in places or relationships that make me unhappy. Why? Because I could die tomorrow. And I want to die happy, content, guilt free, and be greeted at the golden gates by S. I don't want to have to answer any questions about my behavior or decisions.
- I have learned we live in a sad world. People are ruthless, greedy, assholes, and don't care who they hurt in the process. I have lost faith in mankind. I know all I have to depend on is myself.
- I have learned to laugh again.
- I have learned to love again.
- And I have been reminded what it feels like to have my heart broken.
- I have learned it's ok to say no. No I physically can not do this today. No I can not mentally do this today. No. Learning to say no has taught me SO much about myself and the world I live in.
- I have learned the people you thought loved you, really don't.
- I have learned the people you never expected to reach out a helping hand to you, do.
- I have learned to ask for help. With simple things. Dishes, cooking.
- I have learned it doesn't make me weak to ask for help.
- I have learned to be happy with being alone. This sounds bad, but every morning when I wake up to a empty bed, I think Awww.. and sprawl clear a crossed it. There is a happiness and comfort that comes with being alone.
- I have learned I can't stand drama and "poor" me people. They make me want to shank them.
- I have learned I will never look at humanity or the world around me the same.
To sum it up.
I am a wife. Not a widow.
I am a bitch. Take it or leave it.
I am not a survivor.
I am not strong.
I just choose to keep moving forward in hopes of finding my happy place again.
No comments:
Post a Comment