What am I thankful for?

While everyone is posting what they are thankful for on facebook, I thought I would share mine here. For my stalkers fans.

First, and most importantly, I am so thankful I am not spending Thanksgiving with my in laws. 

SO THANKFUL! 

S. never really liked spending time with his family. I always encouraged it saying "Life is too short, you never know when this is your last holiday together".

Honestly, I see why he didn't want to spend time with his family.

I get it.

And S. - I'm sorry for encouraging you to spend time with them.

I am thankful for my family. I don't know where I would be without them. 

Honestly, I know where I would be. I would be dead. I would have taken my own life by now.

Seeing what S.'s suicide did to my family, is the only thing that got me through my roughest times. I couldn't do that to my family.

I am especially thankful for my mom. Most times my mom doesn't know how to help me, but she TRIES. Unlike a lot of people in my life. At least my mom gives a damn and tries. My mom is my best friend, and I swear to budda, we are soul sista's.

My brother is amazing. He is my secret body guard, that would kick the shit out of anyone that messes with me. I remember when he was born. I was so pissed off at my mom for not giving me a sister. She brought home a brother. What kind of shit is that?! I am thankful for my brother. If he was a sister, I probably would have shanked him by now.

My dad is loving and supportive, in his own, shy, way. I love my dad. I'm pretty sure I am his favorite daughter. I feel bad for any dude that ever physically hurts his daughter, because the dude won't have a chance to make it to prison before my dad gets his hands on him.

I am thankful for my best friend, Jenny. When S. died, she was there through it all. We sat on my porch for probably a good 6 months straight after he died. She didn't understand what I was going through, but was there, none the less. I know no matter what, I can depend on her. And I am forever in-debt to her. I hope I never get the chance to pay her back.

I am thankful for the life S. and I had together. The love we shared.

The lessons S.'s love taught me. 

And the lessons his death has taught me. 

Then I am thankful for being alive. I do have mornings when I wake up, roll over, and think "Are you fucking kidding me? How am I still alive??" Even though life sucks balls sometimes, I am thankful I am alive, and get to live this life with people that love me.

I am thankful for food on the table, a lil cash in my wallet, a car, a good job, and roof over my head.

I am thankful for coffee. Especially with cinnabun creamer.

I am thankful for lip gloss. And make up. And cute clothes. My dogs. Glitter. My cell phone - aka - grand central station. Naps. A full nights sleep. Snow. Lilies. And spring.

I am thankful for having the internets in my home. Where I can read and research as much as I want, without having to worry about the consequences of my actions. I think we take this luxury for granite. There are countries that have facebook blocked. 

I am thankful that I don't live in a country where widows are shunned and forced to live a life alone and in misery. Some cutlers – widows are killed, simply because their husband died. 

I am thankful for my widow friends. Oh, how they have helped me through the most trying times. Especially times that “none widowed” people don't understand. I am thankful that they are always a call, text, email, or click away.

I am thankful that S. and I did not successfully conceive a child, even though we tried.

There, I said IT. 

I am happy we didn't have child together, and I am thankful that I don't have to try to explain to my child what happened to his/her dad. Seeing my suicide widows struggle with telling their child the honest to god truth about their dad, is gut wrenching. How do you explain to a child that their dad chose to leave this life?

I am thankful for Steve Madden's shoes. Guess. Juicy Couture. Bubble baths and hot running water. My fucking amazing bed!

I am thankful that I have a boss that understands when I call him and say - I need a break, I'm not coming to work. In turn, I am thankful for vacation pay. Where I can take time off as I please, and still get paid.

I am thankful for the 10 years I did have with S. I wouldn't trade anything for that time. Even if it meant I could trade my pain for that 10 years.. I wouldn't do it. I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

A friend posted this, and I am stealing it. It rang so true, and I never thought about how I love being independent, and alone.

I am thankful that I have the life skills to live an independent life. If I want to live somewhere, I do it, If I want to travel, I go, If I want something, I buy it. I don't have to discuss, argue or barter with another person to have any of my needs and wants met. That being said, I know firsthand when you are in a good relationship none of that matters. I also know when you are in a bad relationship that it is all that matters. So since I am in neither I will say I am grateful that I am free to live and run my life the way I want and if I ever meet someone else, he better respect that!

Most of all, I am thankful that this Thanksgiving, I am thankful. Being thankful is something that was ripped away from me. Years past, I didn't have anything to be thankful for, other then - I'm glad S. didn't kill me too.

This year, I am thankful just to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Antidepressants

Around the 8 month mark of S.'s death, I fell into a very scary depression.
I have never experienced depression like that.
I didn't care if I lived or died.
I didn't care to eat or get out of the house.
I just slept.
And cried.
A lot.

I was put on lamictal before S. died. I have been on that for probably 4 years.

I was then put on zoloft + lamictal.

About 6 months ago I couldn't stand how tired I was.
My doctor took me off zoloft and put me on celexa.

I cut down (slowly) off lamictal, and have been off it since June-ish.
Coming off lamictal was pretty easy.

My energy level is better, but I am still so fucking tired!

I have put a ton of thought into my medication.
I have wondered if it shields me from my grief.
If it's just a band-aid that covers up my grief.

I don't think I have depression anymore.
I do care if I live or die now.

But who knows if that's the medication or the amount of time it's been since S. died that has made me care about myself again.

I have decided to take the final leap, and come off celexa.

BUT....
I am scared shitless.
If I end up in the depression I was in again, I will probably have to be hospitalized.

I don't think I was suicidal, but my doctor says I was.

Apparently not giving a shit if you get hit by a train is suicidal.

I don't know if I can fight through that again without being hospitalized.
I don't know if I have the strength left.

In the last 9 months, I have quit drinking every day
I have bought and moved to a new home.
Enjoyed Christmas with my family, without much grief or missing S.
I have successfully come off lamictal.
I lived through the 2 year mark of S.'s death (And actually enjoyed my day with friends and family).
I lived through our 7 year wedding anniversary.

Now I am just done.
I am sober, and I want to be completely sober.

So celexa, starting tonight, we will slowly separate ourselves from each other.

Just like my dear friend alcohol, we can not be friends anymore.

So celexa, please enjoy yourself over the next 3 to 5 weeks.
After that, pack your shit.
Your out.

And friends, you have been warned!
If I suddenly lose my shit, and eat your face off.
I'm sorry.

Guilt = It's ok

I have realized I don't miss the 3 years leading up to S.'s death.

It was a living hell.

I love him, always will, but I don't miss the person he became.

I miss the person I married. That I married SO long ago.

It's sad to look at those 3 years and think "I'm glad that portion of my life is gone".

I have felt guilt over it. What kind of wife doesn't miss the last 3 years of her husband's life?

I was tired of seeing him suffer. I was tired of suffering.

I was SO tired of the "WHAT IF".

It has taken me 2 years to stop living in the "what if".

The only "what if's" I have now is "If I don't do this, will I regret it??"

It's a scary, hard, and accepting experience.

Right hand wedding rings

After having my wedding ring redone and turned into a right hand ring.

I did some research on WHY a right handed wedding ring symbolizes widowed, it's just generations of tradition.

Some countries wear their wedding rings on their right hand.

I starting thinking, IF I get remarried, would I wear my wedding ring from S. on my right hand, with my new set from the new hubby on my left hand?

The answer - Yes.

It represents a part of who I am. Not part of who I WAS.
I am a widow.

And eventually a wife (again).

Losing S. will always be with me.
For someone to love me, they have to have room in their heart for S. as well.
Just because I get remarried, doesn't mean my life with S. disappears.

I decided today, that when I get remarried... My wedding ring will stay on my right hand.
If the guy isn't comfortable with it, then he isn't allowing enough room in his heart to love S.. which is a deal breaker for me.

Here's a picture of my new ring

What am I?

After the death of S. I have learned so much about myself.
Even more, I have changed.
And I realize I have changed.

Who am I NOW?
- First and foremost -
 I am a wife. I will always be a wife. Even if I get remarried, S. will still be my husband. I will just have two husband's.

- I am a daughter and sister to a family that would drop dead to give me life.
- I am very spiritual. God and I have our battles (Ok I have my battles with god). Before S. died, I wasn't sure about god, after life, etc. I now truly believe in god (even though I am pretty sure he is a SHE) and there is a life after this.
- I am not a survivor. I have no other choice but to keep moving forward.
- I am not strong. I am weak. Just because I can keep moving forward and keep trying to find happiness, does not make me strong. What else do I do? Crawl into bed the rest of my life? Kill myself? There really is no other option but to keep moving on.
- I have always been an impatient person. But I have zero patience now. Zelch.
- I have always stood up for what I believed in. But now I'll tell someone to shut the fuck up quickly if I see someone doing / saying something rude, insensitive, or inappropriate.
- I have always been.. I guess a closed in person. Even more closed now. People close to me know me well, people I meet I keep at arms length. I am a private person, and don't lay all my cards out on the first game.
- I have always had a mouth that tends to speak what my brain thinks. I now have no filter. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I was raised being taught to not speak out of anger, and to not say something you don't mean. Trust me, if I say something, positive or negative, I mean it.
And I'll never regret what I said.
- I don't deal with toxic people. Before I would try to keep the peace, now I could give a flying fuck.
- I either love you or hate you. There is no in between. So if I meet you, and want nothing to do with you, it's because I hate you. Sorry.
- I am selfish. Very selfish. This is my life. My house. My car. And if you don't like it, then pack your shit. I put  my own happiness on hold for 3 years to take care of S. It's now MY turn to be happy, and do what makes me happy. If that makes me a self centered, stuck up bitch, take a number and stand in life with all the other people that are crying over "the new me".
- I know life is too short to be unhappy. Grief is enough unhappiness for me. I refuse to live my life in places or relationships that make me unhappy. Why? Because I could die tomorrow. And I want to die happy, content, guilt free, and be greeted at the golden gates by S. I don't want to have to answer any questions about my behavior or decisions.
- I have learned we live in a sad world. People are ruthless, greedy, assholes, and don't care who they hurt in the process. I have lost faith in mankind. I know all I have to depend on is myself.
- I have learned to laugh again.
- I have learned to love again.
- And I have been reminded what it feels like to have my heart broken.
- I have learned it's ok to say no. No I physically can not do this today. No I can not mentally do this today. No. Learning to say no has taught me SO much about myself and the world I live in.
- I have learned the people you thought loved you, really don't.
- I have learned the people you never expected to reach out a helping hand to you, do.
- I have learned to ask for help. With simple things. Dishes, cooking.
- I have learned it doesn't make me weak to ask for help.
- I have learned to be happy with being alone. This sounds bad, but every morning when I wake up to a empty bed, I think Awww.. and sprawl clear a crossed it. There is a happiness and comfort that comes with being alone.
- I have learned I can't stand drama and "poor" me people. They make me want to shank them.
- I have learned I will never look at humanity or the world around me the same.

To sum it up.
I am a wife. Not a widow.
I am a bitch. Take it or leave it.
I am not a survivor.
I am not strong.
I just choose to keep moving forward in hopes of finding my happy place again.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson”

I cannot be your friend anymore

I have been extremely sick since 2/23 with a kidney infection. I lost 10lbs with it. I have never been so sick in my life.

Besides the good side effect of losing 10lbs, I had another good side effect.

This is hard to admit, and hard to post openly, but I know I need the support for my loved ones.

Dear alcohol,

You and I were never really that good of friends. Occasionally we would meet up at parties and events. But rarely were you in my body or home.

Come 2008 (when the husband got sick), we became friends. You were my stress reliever and comfort from the sad and horrible reality I was living in.

When my husband died in 2010, we became best friends. You have been there for me every day, without fail. We would enjoy several glasses of wine, or several beers, together every day. You became my comfort, stress reliever, sleeping aid, and buffer for my grief.

Alcohol, you see, I have been on anti-depressants since the 8 month mark of my husband’s death. Because of our friendship, I have not given my medication a chance to work.

After being so sick, we have not been friends for 2 weeks now. I do not have the urge to see you anymore.

Since I have no urge to be friends with you, I think it is time we cut our ties and go our separate ways. I hope one day we can enjoy each other’s company on the weekends or at parties, but until then..

I cannot be your friend anymore.

With all due respect,

M.

PS: Please send good vibes my way, and prayers my way. I know as soon as I feel stress, overwhelmed, or deep grief I will be longing for my friendship with alcohol, but I can’t allow it back in my life.