Good Vs. Great

While at Camp Widow West Coast 2012 I listened to a speech Michele Hernandez did about her life.

What I got from the speech was Good vs Great.

Let me back track a lil.

I have been dating a great guy for a couple of months.

He is amazing.

He has given me the sense of safety and security my life has been missing.
It's been missing for 5 years now.

He loves me.
He misses me.
He is my sideline cheerleader.
He is my best friend.

And I secretly need that.

We will call him G.

Fast forward to today.

While listening to Michele talk, she was talking about choosing good vs great.

I realized I live my life in the good.
I choose not to live in the great.

Why?

Well I had great.
And it died.
I never want to go through that again.

G. is older then me.
The widow inside me screams "He could DIE".

He could suddenly decide to break up with me.

He could shatter my heart.
The heart I am still glueing back together.
Piece by piece.
Day by day.

Second by second.

So I have chosen to live in the good.
Not the great.

Because if G. dies, and I am only living in the good..
I don't lose the great.
All over again.

And of course, because I'm not losing the great, his death (or our break up) would be so much easier.

I have unknownly held my life back.

To live in the good.

It's better to be good.
Rather then great.

Because with great comes great pain and sorrow.

Today I cried because I realized I deserve great.
And I am stopping great from being in my life.

Today I choose to live great.
And I'm going to have to learn to be good at living great.

I got the prouds

For anyone that doesn't know, I started a petition to congress to have the FMLA laws changed to cover the death of a spouse (more about that in a minute).

I have been losing sleep over this petition. Every time I check how my petition is doing, I cry.

I can't believe the stories. 

" When I was advised that I needed to come back to work I explained that I was unable to at that time because I was not finished with his funeral. I was told to be at work the next morning at 8:00am or I was fired. Not only had I lost my husband I now had to lose my job and my only source of income which in turn cost me my home"

"My boss told me that it was her expectation that I would never cry at work after the death of my husband. We are both nurses and she should have known better. I had to return to work almost immediately because I used my FMLA when he was in the hospital and in ICU."

Reading the stories, tears my heart apart.

But I realize I am not alone. I am not fighting a un-win-able fight.

I actually might be able to do this!

The little voice in my head says - "It doesn't matter".

"Congress could give a shitless about us".

"You CAN'T win this!".

But I think I actually might be able to.

I hope I can.

I had a thought yesterday.

WHEN (not if) I am widowed for the second time, I hope this law is in place.

I hope I can say "I did this, and now I can do the grieving I need to do".

The grieving that was taken away from me when S. died.

Because I had to get back to work, so I wouldn't lose my only source of income.

I see myself at the funereal of husband #2, standing up, and saying

"I get 12 months off for FMLA. I did this to protect other widows/widowers, and now I get to have the "luxury" of taking all the time I need!"

Who knows, maybe I can't make a differance.

But maybe I can.

And for the first time since S.'s death..

I feel proud.

I feel like I can make a difference.

I feel a purpose. 

And I hope at the end of my life, I can die happily, knowing I was able to protect someone else from facing the hell I faced.

I have a major case of the prouds.

Details on my petition -

I have started a petition to congress. My intention is to have FMLA rules and regulations changed to cover the death of a spouse.

Did you know that if your child or spouse is dying, you can take 12 months leave on FMLA.

BUT, after they die, you have 3 days bereavement. Then you need to return to work.

After your loved one dies, you are no longer covered on FMLA.

Please read my petition, sign it, and pass on!
Help us secure our jobs and our RIGHT to grieve!
http://www.petition2congress.com/6833/spouse-bereavement-leave-initiative-to-amend-fmla/


Also, please sign the petition to have FMLA law's changed to cover the death of a child.
http://www.petition2congress.com/3937

FMLA for losing a child

Friends, please sign this petition. 
Getting 3 days of bereavement for the lose of a child or spouse is an absolute joke!! I didn't even have S.'s funeral planned that fast, let alone a chance to morn. Going back to work was one of the most difficult tasks I have ever endured. Luckily enough my job gave me a month off (paid) otherwise I probably would have quit my job.
http://www.petition2congress.com/3937/go/

What am I?

After the death of S. I have learned so much about myself.
Even more, I have changed.
And I realize I have changed.

Who am I NOW?
- First and foremost -
 I am a wife. I will always be a wife. Even if I get remarried, S. will still be my husband. I will just have two husband's.

- I am a daughter and sister to a family that would drop dead to give me life.
- I am very spiritual. God and I have our battles (Ok I have my battles with god). Before S. died, I wasn't sure about god, after life, etc. I now truly believe in god (even though I am pretty sure he is a SHE) and there is a life after this.
- I am not a survivor. I have no other choice but to keep moving forward.
- I am not strong. I am weak. Just because I can keep moving forward and keep trying to find happiness, does not make me strong. What else do I do? Crawl into bed the rest of my life? Kill myself? There really is no other option but to keep moving on.
- I have always been an impatient person. But I have zero patience now. Zelch.
- I have always stood up for what I believed in. But now I'll tell someone to shut the fuck up quickly if I see someone doing / saying something rude, insensitive, or inappropriate.
- I have always been.. I guess a closed in person. Even more closed now. People close to me know me well, people I meet I keep at arms length. I am a private person, and don't lay all my cards out on the first game.
- I have always had a mouth that tends to speak what my brain thinks. I now have no filter. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I was raised being taught to not speak out of anger, and to not say something you don't mean. Trust me, if I say something, positive or negative, I mean it.
And I'll never regret what I said.
- I don't deal with toxic people. Before I would try to keep the peace, now I could give a flying fuck.
- I either love you or hate you. There is no in between. So if I meet you, and want nothing to do with you, it's because I hate you. Sorry.
- I am selfish. Very selfish. This is my life. My house. My car. And if you don't like it, then pack your shit. I put  my own happiness on hold for 3 years to take care of S. It's now MY turn to be happy, and do what makes me happy. If that makes me a self centered, stuck up bitch, take a number and stand in life with all the other people that are crying over "the new me".
- I know life is too short to be unhappy. Grief is enough unhappiness for me. I refuse to live my life in places or relationships that make me unhappy. Why? Because I could die tomorrow. And I want to die happy, content, guilt free, and be greeted at the golden gates by S. I don't want to have to answer any questions about my behavior or decisions.
- I have learned we live in a sad world. People are ruthless, greedy, assholes, and don't care who they hurt in the process. I have lost faith in mankind. I know all I have to depend on is myself.
- I have learned to laugh again.
- I have learned to love again.
- And I have been reminded what it feels like to have my heart broken.
- I have learned it's ok to say no. No I physically can not do this today. No I can not mentally do this today. No. Learning to say no has taught me SO much about myself and the world I live in.
- I have learned the people you thought loved you, really don't.
- I have learned the people you never expected to reach out a helping hand to you, do.
- I have learned to ask for help. With simple things. Dishes, cooking.
- I have learned it doesn't make me weak to ask for help.
- I have learned to be happy with being alone. This sounds bad, but every morning when I wake up to a empty bed, I think Awww.. and sprawl clear a crossed it. There is a happiness and comfort that comes with being alone.
- I have learned I can't stand drama and "poor" me people. They make me want to shank them.
- I have learned I will never look at humanity or the world around me the same.

To sum it up.
I am a wife. Not a widow.
I am a bitch. Take it or leave it.
I am not a survivor.
I am not strong.
I just choose to keep moving forward in hopes of finding my happy place again.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson”

Happy Easter

After last years melt down over Easter, I decided it was best that I went and play at the Sand Dunes for the weekend.

I had a total blast. I needed it so bad.

I also found, that the 2 hour drive (alone) was really good for me. I need to do that more often.

Although, as much as I knew I wouldn't wake up to Easter Lilies I was secretly hoping the bunny wouldn't forget my lilies.

Tomorrow I am going lily shopping, which is a huge grief trigger, but I want to carry on the Easter tradition.

The tradition I didn't know existed.

His world

I was his whole world. Everyone always said the way he looked at me, you could see how deeply he loved me.

He IS my whole world. I love him more everyday. The pain of losing him runs so deep in my soul, that sometimes I wonder if I will live through it.

I never thought losing a spouse would be this painful.

Or maybe I never put much thought into what if S. dies?

I miss the traditions I didn't even realize were a tradition. Every Easter S. would buy me lilies, and we would plant them together. My first Easter without S. was a little bit of a shocker.

I woke up that morning, still expecting my lilies. I didn't realize we had a tradition. And I didn't realize that tradition died with S.

I realized I don't have two lilies a like. They are all different. How he knew which ones I had, is beyond me. Or maybe it was just coincidence that he never bought the same ones.

I'll never know.

When I moved to my new house, the first thing I did was dig up my lilies. They were supposed to be at home, with me. Since my home is in a different place now, so are my lilies.

I want to carry on the Easter tradition. But I find I have no freaking clue what lilies I have. So as they bloom this year, I will take pictures of them... to remember which ones I have. So I never buy the ones I already have. Just like S. did.

I am finding I want to be someone's whole world again. I want someone to be my whole world. I miss knowing that at the end of the day, I was loved so deeply, that it didn't matter how I looked, or what kind of mood I was in. I loved being married, and I miss that. I know if I get remarried, I will be a better wife. A better friend. And I will live each day as if it is my husband's last day alive. I won't let life get a hold of me. Who's turn is it to empty the dishwasher?

It's not worth the fight.

I'll never forget my first moment of gratefulness. I was at a party, about a year after S. died. We were all sitting outside, enjoying the summer weather, with cold beers in hand. At some point I realized all the woman had moved inside, and I was outside hanging with the dudes.

I went in to see what the ladies were up to, and I found them sitting around the kitchen table.

They were complaining about their husbands. He never helps around the house. We don't have sex often enough. I feel like a slave.

I quickly turned around and walked back outside to hang with the dudes.

I knew if i didn't, I was going to scream "At least your husband isn't dead!!! Try keeping up with life (dishes, laundry, etc, etc) while mourning the lose of your loved one, and have NO help at all from your husband.. because he's dead!!". I'll never forget that moment. I vowed to not let myself fall into the poor me, if I ever get remarried.

The thought of getting remarried and loving again is terrifying. Even more, what if he dies? Can I live through this again?

The answer is no. I can't. I won't survive. Maybe my past experience with losing a spouse would make it "easier" next time, as I would be more equipped. I now own a mental book called "Holy fuck, what happened!! Here's a list of things to help you through this fucked up, unfair life".

Sometimes I think it's better to not love again, then to lose again.

I am hoping as my grief carries on, and slowly dwindles, that the fears will subside.

It's a sad feeling to look at your life and think "That's it, I had true love, and lost it. I'll never experience that again".

I cannot be your friend anymore

I have been extremely sick since 2/23 with a kidney infection. I lost 10lbs with it. I have never been so sick in my life.

Besides the good side effect of losing 10lbs, I had another good side effect.

This is hard to admit, and hard to post openly, but I know I need the support for my loved ones.

Dear alcohol,

You and I were never really that good of friends. Occasionally we would meet up at parties and events. But rarely were you in my body or home.

Come 2008 (when the husband got sick), we became friends. You were my stress reliever and comfort from the sad and horrible reality I was living in.

When my husband died in 2010, we became best friends. You have been there for me every day, without fail. We would enjoy several glasses of wine, or several beers, together every day. You became my comfort, stress reliever, sleeping aid, and buffer for my grief.

Alcohol, you see, I have been on anti-depressants since the 8 month mark of my husband’s death. Because of our friendship, I have not given my medication a chance to work.

After being so sick, we have not been friends for 2 weeks now. I do not have the urge to see you anymore.

Since I have no urge to be friends with you, I think it is time we cut our ties and go our separate ways. I hope one day we can enjoy each other’s company on the weekends or at parties, but until then..

I cannot be your friend anymore.

With all due respect,

M.

PS: Please send good vibes my way, and prayers my way. I know as soon as I feel stress, overwhelmed, or deep grief I will be longing for my friendship with alcohol, but I can’t allow it back in my life.

Everyday

Everyday, I wake up, and think "Wait, what happened?".

You see, I was happily married for 7 years, to the love of my life. I never once thought "I shouldn't have gotten married".

My husband was (is) my world, and I was his world.

You see, one day in 2008, I woke up, and realized the man I married was not the man sleeping next to me. He was a person I did not know. The person that was my whole world, was gone, overnight.

After a long struggle, he was diagnosed with bipolar type 1.

For 3 long years, I watched the person I didn't know, suffer day in and day out. I quickly learned that mental pain is far worse then physical pain.

After three suicide attempts, my world collapsed at my feet. My husband shot and killed himself on 7/27/2010.

Over the 3 years of his illness, I became his nurse. His teacher. But far from his wife and friend. He pushed me away, I think not knowing any better.

When he died, I woke up and thought "Now what?". I'm no longer a nurse. I am no longer a teacher. I am no longer a wife, or friend. I am a widow.

Going from being someones nurse to them passing away, feels weird. You have your habits of taking care of your loved one. Medication, check, food, check, his mood, check. It felt like I partially lost my "Job" or my "Responsibility".

Not only did I lose my best friend, I lost my purpose in life.

I have always believed married is "Through sickness and health, until death do us part". I'll admit, I did not want to be married to this man I no longer knew. BUT (there's always a BUT or BUTT), I couldn't kick him while he was down by divorcing him. I hoped one day he would return to me, and the unknown man in my life, would disappear.

My husband over the 3 years told me time and time again, if it wasn't for me, he would have killed himself. When he did kill himself, I thought, "When did "I" become not enough to keep him alive?".

I have blamed god. I have blamed life. I have blamed him. But I have realized there is only two things responsible for this. God, and Bipolar. Not my husband. The person that died had died 3 years prior. I could not blame my husband, as he was completely out of his mind.

Sure, I have had my words with him. Screaming at him, "Are you fucking happy now??" or "Look what you have done to me, I am left to pay the consciousnesses of YOUR decision?".

I have become less angry with him, and more angry at god. I wake up every day, and ask god, "Why?". What have I done so bad as a person to deserve this life?"

Am I really a bad person? Do I deserve this lesson?

While trying to understand why I have been chosen to walk this path, I have discovered a couple of things about myself. I believe everyone is sent to earth, to learn certain lessons. I believe for whatever reason, I am supposed to experience this. And my husband was supposed to experience severe mental illness and suicide. I am starting to believe that my purpose now, is to help others. Fellow suicide survivors. Fellow widows.

But I still wake up everyday asking "God, why did you do this to me??"

Everyone said the first year is the worst. Some say the second is the worse. For me, the 3 years leading up to his death were the worst. The first year after his death was the second worst, and the second year is worse in some ways and better in some ways. I can function now. I can do the things I'm "supposed" to do. Go to work, go to the gym. But there are days that I get so overwhelmed with the life around me. Days that land me so overwhelmed I shut down.

These last couple of weeks, I am overwhelmed. I have so many things I want to do, yet no energy to do it.

I have learned being mentally tired is far worse then physically tired.

And I have learned there is no "vacation" when you are grieving.

It's always there. Always.