What am I thankful for?

While everyone is posting what they are thankful for on facebook, I thought I would share mine here. For my stalkers fans.

First, and most importantly, I am so thankful I am not spending Thanksgiving with my in laws. 

SO THANKFUL! 

S. never really liked spending time with his family. I always encouraged it saying "Life is too short, you never know when this is your last holiday together".

Honestly, I see why he didn't want to spend time with his family.

I get it.

And S. - I'm sorry for encouraging you to spend time with them.

I am thankful for my family. I don't know where I would be without them. 

Honestly, I know where I would be. I would be dead. I would have taken my own life by now.

Seeing what S.'s suicide did to my family, is the only thing that got me through my roughest times. I couldn't do that to my family.

I am especially thankful for my mom. Most times my mom doesn't know how to help me, but she TRIES. Unlike a lot of people in my life. At least my mom gives a damn and tries. My mom is my best friend, and I swear to budda, we are soul sista's.

My brother is amazing. He is my secret body guard, that would kick the shit out of anyone that messes with me. I remember when he was born. I was so pissed off at my mom for not giving me a sister. She brought home a brother. What kind of shit is that?! I am thankful for my brother. If he was a sister, I probably would have shanked him by now.

My dad is loving and supportive, in his own, shy, way. I love my dad. I'm pretty sure I am his favorite daughter. I feel bad for any dude that ever physically hurts his daughter, because the dude won't have a chance to make it to prison before my dad gets his hands on him.

I am thankful for my best friend, Jenny. When S. died, she was there through it all. We sat on my porch for probably a good 6 months straight after he died. She didn't understand what I was going through, but was there, none the less. I know no matter what, I can depend on her. And I am forever in-debt to her. I hope I never get the chance to pay her back.

I am thankful for the life S. and I had together. The love we shared.

The lessons S.'s love taught me. 

And the lessons his death has taught me. 

Then I am thankful for being alive. I do have mornings when I wake up, roll over, and think "Are you fucking kidding me? How am I still alive??" Even though life sucks balls sometimes, I am thankful I am alive, and get to live this life with people that love me.

I am thankful for food on the table, a lil cash in my wallet, a car, a good job, and roof over my head.

I am thankful for coffee. Especially with cinnabun creamer.

I am thankful for lip gloss. And make up. And cute clothes. My dogs. Glitter. My cell phone - aka - grand central station. Naps. A full nights sleep. Snow. Lilies. And spring.

I am thankful for having the internets in my home. Where I can read and research as much as I want, without having to worry about the consequences of my actions. I think we take this luxury for granite. There are countries that have facebook blocked. 

I am thankful that I don't live in a country where widows are shunned and forced to live a life alone and in misery. Some cutlers – widows are killed, simply because their husband died. 

I am thankful for my widow friends. Oh, how they have helped me through the most trying times. Especially times that “none widowed” people don't understand. I am thankful that they are always a call, text, email, or click away.

I am thankful that S. and I did not successfully conceive a child, even though we tried.

There, I said IT. 

I am happy we didn't have child together, and I am thankful that I don't have to try to explain to my child what happened to his/her dad. Seeing my suicide widows struggle with telling their child the honest to god truth about their dad, is gut wrenching. How do you explain to a child that their dad chose to leave this life?

I am thankful for Steve Madden's shoes. Guess. Juicy Couture. Bubble baths and hot running water. My fucking amazing bed!

I am thankful that I have a boss that understands when I call him and say - I need a break, I'm not coming to work. In turn, I am thankful for vacation pay. Where I can take time off as I please, and still get paid.

I am thankful for the 10 years I did have with S. I wouldn't trade anything for that time. Even if it meant I could trade my pain for that 10 years.. I wouldn't do it. I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

A friend posted this, and I am stealing it. It rang so true, and I never thought about how I love being independent, and alone.

I am thankful that I have the life skills to live an independent life. If I want to live somewhere, I do it, If I want to travel, I go, If I want something, I buy it. I don't have to discuss, argue or barter with another person to have any of my needs and wants met. That being said, I know firsthand when you are in a good relationship none of that matters. I also know when you are in a bad relationship that it is all that matters. So since I am in neither I will say I am grateful that I am free to live and run my life the way I want and if I ever meet someone else, he better respect that!

Most of all, I am thankful that this Thanksgiving, I am thankful. Being thankful is something that was ripped away from me. Years past, I didn't have anything to be thankful for, other then - I'm glad S. didn't kill me too.

This year, I am thankful just to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Good Vs. Great

While at Camp Widow West Coast 2012 I listened to a speech Michele Hernandez did about her life.

What I got from the speech was Good vs Great.

Let me back track a lil.

I have been dating a great guy for a couple of months.

He is amazing.

He has given me the sense of safety and security my life has been missing.
It's been missing for 5 years now.

He loves me.
He misses me.
He is my sideline cheerleader.
He is my best friend.

And I secretly need that.

We will call him G.

Fast forward to today.

While listening to Michele talk, she was talking about choosing good vs great.

I realized I live my life in the good.
I choose not to live in the great.

Why?

Well I had great.
And it died.
I never want to go through that again.

G. is older then me.
The widow inside me screams "He could DIE".

He could suddenly decide to break up with me.

He could shatter my heart.
The heart I am still glueing back together.
Piece by piece.
Day by day.

Second by second.

So I have chosen to live in the good.
Not the great.

Because if G. dies, and I am only living in the good..
I don't lose the great.
All over again.

And of course, because I'm not losing the great, his death (or our break up) would be so much easier.

I have unknownly held my life back.

To live in the good.

It's better to be good.
Rather then great.

Because with great comes great pain and sorrow.

Today I cried because I realized I deserve great.
And I am stopping great from being in my life.

Today I choose to live great.
And I'm going to have to learn to be good at living great.

Weak or Bravery

A post got me thinking about this.

Do you consider suicide cowardly, selfish and weak OR something that requires A LOT of courage, faith and bravery?

Having gone through a very suicidal point in my life, I would have to say it's courage and bravery. As much as I wanted to die, I don't have the guts to hurt myself. I could never put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I am too scared.

And holding your breath until you die, doesn't work. I've tried it.

I think to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger, takes A LOT of courage and bravery, and also having faith that the after life is better then what they were experiencing here.

I have never looked at it from the courage side. I just can't imagine pulling the trigger. Weak in a way, as they can not face another day, but also courage and determination to pull that trigger.

It has opened my eyes a little bit.

Maybe S. was too weak to face the world any longer.
But strong enough, mentally, to pull the trigger.

Guilt = It's ok

I have realized I don't miss the 3 years leading up to S.'s death.

It was a living hell.

I love him, always will, but I don't miss the person he became.

I miss the person I married. That I married SO long ago.

It's sad to look at those 3 years and think "I'm glad that portion of my life is gone".

I have felt guilt over it. What kind of wife doesn't miss the last 3 years of her husband's life?

I was tired of seeing him suffer. I was tired of suffering.

I was SO tired of the "WHAT IF".

It has taken me 2 years to stop living in the "what if".

The only "what if's" I have now is "If I don't do this, will I regret it??"

It's a scary, hard, and accepting experience.

I got the prouds

For anyone that doesn't know, I started a petition to congress to have the FMLA laws changed to cover the death of a spouse (more about that in a minute).

I have been losing sleep over this petition. Every time I check how my petition is doing, I cry.

I can't believe the stories. 

" When I was advised that I needed to come back to work I explained that I was unable to at that time because I was not finished with his funeral. I was told to be at work the next morning at 8:00am or I was fired. Not only had I lost my husband I now had to lose my job and my only source of income which in turn cost me my home"

"My boss told me that it was her expectation that I would never cry at work after the death of my husband. We are both nurses and she should have known better. I had to return to work almost immediately because I used my FMLA when he was in the hospital and in ICU."

Reading the stories, tears my heart apart.

But I realize I am not alone. I am not fighting a un-win-able fight.

I actually might be able to do this!

The little voice in my head says - "It doesn't matter".

"Congress could give a shitless about us".

"You CAN'T win this!".

But I think I actually might be able to.

I hope I can.

I had a thought yesterday.

WHEN (not if) I am widowed for the second time, I hope this law is in place.

I hope I can say "I did this, and now I can do the grieving I need to do".

The grieving that was taken away from me when S. died.

Because I had to get back to work, so I wouldn't lose my only source of income.

I see myself at the funereal of husband #2, standing up, and saying

"I get 12 months off for FMLA. I did this to protect other widows/widowers, and now I get to have the "luxury" of taking all the time I need!"

Who knows, maybe I can't make a differance.

But maybe I can.

And for the first time since S.'s death..

I feel proud.

I feel like I can make a difference.

I feel a purpose. 

And I hope at the end of my life, I can die happily, knowing I was able to protect someone else from facing the hell I faced.

I have a major case of the prouds.

Details on my petition -

I have started a petition to congress. My intention is to have FMLA rules and regulations changed to cover the death of a spouse.

Did you know that if your child or spouse is dying, you can take 12 months leave on FMLA.

BUT, after they die, you have 3 days bereavement. Then you need to return to work.

After your loved one dies, you are no longer covered on FMLA.

Please read my petition, sign it, and pass on!
Help us secure our jobs and our RIGHT to grieve!
http://www.petition2congress.com/6833/spouse-bereavement-leave-initiative-to-amend-fmla/


Also, please sign the petition to have FMLA law's changed to cover the death of a child.
http://www.petition2congress.com/3937

Right hand wedding rings

After having my wedding ring redone and turned into a right hand ring.

I did some research on WHY a right handed wedding ring symbolizes widowed, it's just generations of tradition.

Some countries wear their wedding rings on their right hand.

I starting thinking, IF I get remarried, would I wear my wedding ring from S. on my right hand, with my new set from the new hubby on my left hand?

The answer - Yes.

It represents a part of who I am. Not part of who I WAS.
I am a widow.

And eventually a wife (again).

Losing S. will always be with me.
For someone to love me, they have to have room in their heart for S. as well.
Just because I get remarried, doesn't mean my life with S. disappears.

I decided today, that when I get remarried... My wedding ring will stay on my right hand.
If the guy isn't comfortable with it, then he isn't allowing enough room in his heart to love S.. which is a deal breaker for me.

Here's a picture of my new ring

Even though..

Even though you chose to leave this life.
Chose to leave me behind.
I will always have you.
In my heart.
In my soul.
On my finger.
In our bed.
In your urn.
In my steamer trunk with your belongings.

I will always have you.

I love you and miss you so much.

What I would give for a huge bear hug from you.

Miss you and love you more with each passing day.

Grocery Shopping = Unexpected surprises

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. As most of you know, I would rather go to the dentist then the grocery store.
At least at the dentist, I only have to go every 6 months.

I was browsing through the store, trying to get out of there quickly.

There was a older gentlemen (probably early 60's) stalking the shelves on the isle I was on.

He said good morning, and asked if I needed help finding anything.
I told him good morning, and I was finding my way just fine.

I walked by, still looking at the shelves. Not really looking for something in participial. Just looking.

He came up to me and said "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you how beautiful you are".
I was fidgeting in my shoes and purse. Feeling a little uncomfortable.
He said "You really caught my eye".

I said thank you, trying not to show how awkward I felt.
I joked that I didn't even take a shower, had no make up on, my hair wasn't even pulled into a pretty ponytail. I joked that we need more guys like him around.

He said "Why?".

I said well, seems like guys my age, you have to be drop dead gorgeous, skinny, have a lot of money, and an amazing personalty. Which I must not have any of the above, as I can't seem to find the one.

I said guys are just shallow now days (Shit I sound old) and there are no nice guys left.
He said that's a real shame. Agreed.

We started talking a little bit, and he asked if I was married. I said I was for 10 years. He said "oh, divorce?".

I said no.. he passed away two years ago.

Of course I got the sad "poor you" look and a "I'm so sorry".

He asked what happened, if I didn't mind sharing.

I told him suicide.

This older gentlemen stared at me.

Then started crying.

He asked if he could share a story with me.
I said sure.

He said last year, he tried to kill himself for the 3rd time.
And lived.
And decided god had another plan for him.

He said he became sober at that time, has been medicated, and is doing a lot better.

I told him S. had 3 suicide attempts.
And was successful on the 4th.

I didn't have to say much more then that, as I think he knew I was saying "Your luck is over, and the 4th time is the charm".

We talked for quite a while, and I left feeling..
Like I was right where I was supposed to be, that day.

That for some reason, my world, and his world, were meant to smash into each other with major force.

I drove home wondering "What did he gain from our conversation?"

And "What did I gain?"

I gained - knowing you can't protect someone from themselves (which I already knew, but this reinforced it).

I thought about how suicide tends to follow me now.
Why?
Is it my "job" to help suicide victims?

I also learned that because a 60 year old guy tells me I am pretty, I need to learn to LISTEN and not get weirded out.

Somethings in this life I will never understand.

It could have always been worse..

Prompted by another widow's blog posting, I started thinking about how S.'s death could have been worse.

For anyone that doesn't know, S. committed suicide on 7/27/10.

How could it have been worse?

Well let me count the ways.

He could have taken me with him. Although in the early days I cursed at him for not taking me with.
He could have walked into a school, mall, etc, and taken unsuspecting strangers with him.
I could have came home to find him.
Instead he hiked up to a local min (that is a bitch to get to) and killed himself there.
The police could have never found his body.
I was lucky enough that they found his body within 48 hours. Can't imagine the pain of not ever finding his body.
He could have killed himself in front of me.
I didn't have to "pull the plug".
He could have experienced the person he loved  more then anything (ME) giving up on him and walking out.
Instead, I stayed.
I took care of him. For 3 very long years.
He could have killed himself at work.
He could have killed himself at school.
He could have suffered. Although I am not 100% sold on the medical results that he didn't suffer. (Who's to say your soul leaving your body isn't a painful experience?)
We could have been fighting at the time, saying hurtful things. (We weren't).
He could have killed himself while we were on vacation in Hawaii weeks earlier.
He could have not used that time in Hawaii to say his goodbyes to me. (Although I didn't realize it was his way of saying goodbye until months after his death).
He could have killed himself as I went into shoulder surgery, two weeks prior to his death. Leaving me unable to take care of myself and dealing with his death on top of my very painful surgery.
We could have had a loveless marriage.
We could have hated each other.
I could have went against what he wanted for his funeral (and remains).
Instead I stood my ground. I fought for what he wanted.
Even when his family was very angry at me for not doing what THEY wanted done for his funeral and remains.
I could have been completely alone. With no love and support from my friends and family.
I could not have a job.
I could be homeless.
I could not have my new heaven in my new home.
I could be in a mental hospital.
I could have let his death kill me as well.
Around the 8 month mark, as much as I thought about it, I didn't kill myself.

Instead -

He knew true love.
I know true love.
We had a great life together.
He finally knew what it was to belong to a family. An amazing family.

- And the good that came out of the bad - 


He could have shot himself and lived.
And I would be by his side, taking care of my husband, that would be severely brain damaged.