Dear Bipolar

Dear Bipolar,

I am writing you this letter 1,622 days since you came into my life and stole my sweet husband’s soul.

This letter will reach you 908 days after you physically took my husband from me.

Since you have done this to so many peoples life’s, you probably don’t remember me. I will try to refresh your memory.

1,622 days ago, you came into my life, uninvited. You were not invited in, I know I did not leave a door or window open, yet suddenly you were there. You stepped into my husband’s soul, turned my amazing and vibrant husband into a depressed, angry, anxiety ridden, empty shell of a person.

You caused my amazingly bright and creative husband to see dead people, hear voices, and caused him to think about suicide daily. Your voice was in my husband’s head. You ridiculed him at every turn. “You’re not good enough” you said.

You took the sparkle out of his eye.

You took the pep out of his walk.

You took away his smile. How could you take away that amazing smile??

You took away his trust and faith in the world around him, causing him to think the world was after him.

You even made my husband think I was out to harm him.

You entered our life when we were just getting started. You see, we were happy. We didn't need YOU. Yet, you kept working on my husband. Bit by bit, destroying him.

908 days ago, you put a gun to my husband’s head and took him away from me.

Left me widowed at 29 years old.

When I am angry about my husband’s suicide, I blame you.

My husband would have never killed himself. But you were happy to do it.

Bipolar, I hate everything about you.

I hate your games, your mania, your depression, your psychosis, even your name. Bipolar = Two polar opposites. Did you leave something out when you created your name? I think you did.

Because of you, I do not get to see my “happy ending”. I do not get to live to be old with my husband. We will never have children or fulfill our dreams and goals.

Bipolar, your day is coming. I might not live to see that day. But your days are numbered.

A cure is coming.

It might be in the form of a pill, a shot, surgery, or hell.. maybe even a microchip.

When I get to the other side, my first duty is to get rid of you.

I will not let you destroy another person. I will not let you destroy another family.

Mark my words, your days are coming to an end.

And I will be watching, with my husband’s arms around me, with a huge bowl of popcorn and a huge beer when it all comes crashing down.

And guess what? 

Fuck you Bipolar!

Sincerely,

M

(If you or someone you know suffers from mental illness (Including if you have a parent that is mentally ill but you are not, they want to study YOU), PLEASE consider organ donation to the Harvard Brain Bank <-- click="click" font="font" here.="here.">

They are trying to find a cure for mental illness, but need organ donation.

My husband wanted his brain donated to the Harvard Brain Bank, unfortunately I could not fulfill that wish.

Please help with the research and study of mental illness for future generations.)

Movie Review: The Words

The words, Ah.. I don't even know how to right how much I loved this movie.

Was amazing! I highly Recommend it!

Five Stars!

What goes around comes around

Karma is a bitch.

One day it will come full circle, and I'm glad I can stand tall and look at myself in the mirror every morning.

When the day comes, I won't have to answer to god or my deceased husband for my actions.

Christmas 2012

As Christmas is upon me, I have been thinking of Christmas past.

Every year S. and I gave each other an ornament. We would open it on Christmas eve and hang them on the tree together.

One year we gave each other the same ornament. We just sat and laughed. I learned not to buy ornaments from Hallmark anymore, for the risk of buying S. the same ornament he bought me.

One year S. bought me a TV and DVD player for my craft studio. I was highly disappointed, as I really wanted a certain bracelet. I tried to not let my disappointment show, but I think it showed.

At about 2am S. got into the closet, and pulled out a box.

I knew from the shape of the box, that it was the bracelet I had hoped for.

Before I could open it, I sat and cried, feeling like an asshole. He got a good laugh out of making me think he just got me the TV/DVD player and played that out ALL day long.

We always did stockings for each other, and we would hide them. A lot of the time we spent Christmas morning trying to find our hidden stocking. One year S. searched for over an hour for his stocking, through his frustrating said "Just tell me where it is". "Silly, it's where you put wet stuff to dry it".

The dryer. The only place he hadn't looked. Ironically he had already looked in the washer, but for some reason skipped over the dryer.

This Christmas has been hard. I miss the traditions we had.

I miss waking up to him Christmas morning, jumping on the bed, and screaming "Santa came, get up!".

This year I feel blessed. I got the bracelet I hoped for (Was pretty shocked that I got it!). Santa really is magical.

Got an amazing necklace from my brother and his GF

I love the black and white diamonds

Got a power washer / steamer  that I thought i would never want until I had to spray the whole outside of my house off this summer.

Got a sound bar so I don't have to turn my TV up full blast, my very own pair of bowling shoes (That are insanely cute). Socks, candy, clothes. You name it.

My friends and family spoiling me like you wouldn't believe.

For me, the gifts I gave this year were small in a financial matter. But I am happy that I was able to get the people I love something, and more then anything just spend my Christmas with people that love me.

Some days I feel cursed and that the life I was handed it a crock of shit. (Today is one of those crock of shit days!)

But Christmas day, I am thankful for the love and support from my family and friends.

While life hands me a full hand of problems, it also hands me a full hand and heart of people that love me.

For that, I know I will survive.

All my love and Christmas blessings,
M.

Purple Christmas tree that was at the outlet stores in Lehi, UT

How to treat a Lady

How to Treat a Girl Lady
1.Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

2. Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out. 

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it. 

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did. 

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it... 

10. Not all of them eat like birds, alot of them can eat like whales. 

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy. 

11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time! 

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the s**t out of him.

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back. 

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals. 

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like s**t, so be understanding.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. 

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

26. Memorize their god damned birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life. 

27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. 

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out. 

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, priviledge and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

- Unknown

Not to mention, we know people in high places!

Movie Review: Safety is not guaranteed

Safety is not guaranteed sucked, sucked and SUCKED!!

Redbox - I want my $1 back!

What am I thankful for?

While everyone is posting what they are thankful for on facebook, I thought I would share mine here. For my stalkers fans.

First, and most importantly, I am so thankful I am not spending Thanksgiving with my in laws. 

SO THANKFUL! 

S. never really liked spending time with his family. I always encouraged it saying "Life is too short, you never know when this is your last holiday together".

Honestly, I see why he didn't want to spend time with his family.

I get it.

And S. - I'm sorry for encouraging you to spend time with them.

I am thankful for my family. I don't know where I would be without them. 

Honestly, I know where I would be. I would be dead. I would have taken my own life by now.

Seeing what S.'s suicide did to my family, is the only thing that got me through my roughest times. I couldn't do that to my family.

I am especially thankful for my mom. Most times my mom doesn't know how to help me, but she TRIES. Unlike a lot of people in my life. At least my mom gives a damn and tries. My mom is my best friend, and I swear to budda, we are soul sista's.

My brother is amazing. He is my secret body guard, that would kick the shit out of anyone that messes with me. I remember when he was born. I was so pissed off at my mom for not giving me a sister. She brought home a brother. What kind of shit is that?! I am thankful for my brother. If he was a sister, I probably would have shanked him by now.

My dad is loving and supportive, in his own, shy, way. I love my dad. I'm pretty sure I am his favorite daughter. I feel bad for any dude that ever physically hurts his daughter, because the dude won't have a chance to make it to prison before my dad gets his hands on him.

I am thankful for my best friend, Jenny. When S. died, she was there through it all. We sat on my porch for probably a good 6 months straight after he died. She didn't understand what I was going through, but was there, none the less. I know no matter what, I can depend on her. And I am forever in-debt to her. I hope I never get the chance to pay her back.

I am thankful for the life S. and I had together. The love we shared.

The lessons S.'s love taught me. 

And the lessons his death has taught me. 

Then I am thankful for being alive. I do have mornings when I wake up, roll over, and think "Are you fucking kidding me? How am I still alive??" Even though life sucks balls sometimes, I am thankful I am alive, and get to live this life with people that love me.

I am thankful for food on the table, a lil cash in my wallet, a car, a good job, and roof over my head.

I am thankful for coffee. Especially with cinnabun creamer.

I am thankful for lip gloss. And make up. And cute clothes. My dogs. Glitter. My cell phone - aka - grand central station. Naps. A full nights sleep. Snow. Lilies. And spring.

I am thankful for having the internets in my home. Where I can read and research as much as I want, without having to worry about the consequences of my actions. I think we take this luxury for granite. There are countries that have facebook blocked. 

I am thankful that I don't live in a country where widows are shunned and forced to live a life alone and in misery. Some cutlers – widows are killed, simply because their husband died. 

I am thankful for my widow friends. Oh, how they have helped me through the most trying times. Especially times that “none widowed” people don't understand. I am thankful that they are always a call, text, email, or click away.

I am thankful that S. and I did not successfully conceive a child, even though we tried.

There, I said IT. 

I am happy we didn't have child together, and I am thankful that I don't have to try to explain to my child what happened to his/her dad. Seeing my suicide widows struggle with telling their child the honest to god truth about their dad, is gut wrenching. How do you explain to a child that their dad chose to leave this life?

I am thankful for Steve Madden's shoes. Guess. Juicy Couture. Bubble baths and hot running water. My fucking amazing bed!

I am thankful that I have a boss that understands when I call him and say - I need a break, I'm not coming to work. In turn, I am thankful for vacation pay. Where I can take time off as I please, and still get paid.

I am thankful for the 10 years I did have with S. I wouldn't trade anything for that time. Even if it meant I could trade my pain for that 10 years.. I wouldn't do it. I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

A friend posted this, and I am stealing it. It rang so true, and I never thought about how I love being independent, and alone.

I am thankful that I have the life skills to live an independent life. If I want to live somewhere, I do it, If I want to travel, I go, If I want something, I buy it. I don't have to discuss, argue or barter with another person to have any of my needs and wants met. That being said, I know firsthand when you are in a good relationship none of that matters. I also know when you are in a bad relationship that it is all that matters. So since I am in neither I will say I am grateful that I am free to live and run my life the way I want and if I ever meet someone else, he better respect that!

Most of all, I am thankful that this Thanksgiving, I am thankful. Being thankful is something that was ripped away from me. Years past, I didn't have anything to be thankful for, other then - I'm glad S. didn't kill me too.

This year, I am thankful just to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Movie Review: The Campaign

Long story short, I am disappointed with The Campaign.

Will Ferrell is far funnier then the movie portrays.

But smack my ass funny moment -
I shaved the dog and glued the fur to my nut sack, so I would look like a grown man.

2012 twinkies are going out of business-
And the movie even had twinkies in it! 20 years from now, "kids" are going to say - "What the fuck is that big, yellow, nasty looking thing, that he is sucking on??"

2 stars

Movie Review: Paranormal Activity 4

Paranormal Activity 4 was horrible.

It wasn't scary. At.All.

It got scary the last 10 minutes the abruptly ended.

The first Paranormal Activity 4 was the best yet.

Wait for it to come out on cable.
Don't waste your money or anticipation.

Movie Review: That's My Boy

"That's my boy" is insanely funny!

I love the part that the groom comes home from his bachelor party, kicks his shoes off, as they make a huge thud sound on the floor.
He then bends over and says "Shh.." to his shoes! I died laughing!
I'm going to do that to my shoes next time I come home shit faced.

Probably one of the funniest movies I have seen this year.

I highly recommend watching it, but it's not for kids. And kids I mean 18 years and younger.

Bravo!

Movie Review: The Sessions

I went to the pre-screening for The Sessions last night.

The friend I went with wrote this review, said I could steal it. He puts it perfectly!!

The Sessions was one of the most touchingly sweet movies I've seen recently.  A man stricken with polio and confined to an iron lung has the chance to change his life by working with a sex surrogate.   It was by turns sweet, awkward, sincere, heartbreaking, and above all, imbued with a sense of humor about life’s challenges and rewards.  Bring some tissues!

The only thing I want to add is seeing Helen Hunt totally nude was a shock to me. But she looks good!
Warning, there is a lot of nudity.

5 stars!!

Report Card

I had a dream about S.

It goes -
I was getting in the shower, and he comes into the bathroom.
He says "Do you have my report card?"
I say "What report card?"

"You know, the one that showed I had a 4.0 and was graduating a year early?"

Me "No, I didn't keep that."
S. "Why?"
Me "Because you are dead, why would I have kept it?"
S. "Because I wanted it!!"
Me "You are DEAD! What in the hell do you need your report card for?"

To which S. looks at me like I am insane.

I then wake up.

I will never forget December 23rd, 2010.
I was supposed to be watching S. graduate college a year early with a 4.0.

Instead I was facing the fact that he took his own life, and facing my first Christmas without him.

PS: If he asks about his report card, I still have no idea what he is talking about. Please explain to him he doesn't need a report card in heaven.

Hurricane Sandy

I have a confession to make.

Hurricane Sandy has me worried sick about my widow friends.

Sure, I have friends that are in Sandy's path, but they aren't ALONE. They have their husband!

I am just sick - watching and waiting for my widow friends (and their children) to reappear online so I know they are safe.

Now I feel guilty. Sure I am worried about my married friends, but I am worried sick about my widow friends.

I'm a shitty friend to be worried more about my widow friends then my "normal" friends.

I freak out with lighting and thunder, I can't imagine going through a storm like Sandy alone.
I can't imagine being hunkered down, in my house, alone, waiting for this shit to pass!!

Widow friends - I love you.
Please check in when you can!

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

If Tears Could Build A Stairway
(Author unknown)

If tears could build a stairway 
And memories were a lane 
We would walk right up to Heaven 
And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken 
No time to say goodbye 
You were gone before we knew it 
And only God knows why

Our hearts still ache in sadness 
And secret tears still flow 
What it meant to lose you 
No on will ever know

But know we know you want us 
To mourn for you no more 
To remember all the happy times 
Life still has much in store

Since you’ll never be forgotten 
We pledge to you today 
A hallowed place within our hearts 
Is where you’ll always stay 

He should..

He should be your best friend. 

The one you can talk to about everything.

He should appreciate that you try to cook even if the fire alarms go off instead of the timer, and you have to order take out. 

He should tell you you're beautiful as much as he can. 

He should always tell you the truth, even if that might break your heart. 

He should always make you a priority. 

And he should cherish you always.

Movie Reviews: Case 39

Case 39 was a really good movie!

It was super scary, and super intense.

Plus it had Bradley Cooper in it. Yumm-oh.

That dude is fucking sexy!!

Movie Review: Jeff that lives at home

Jeff that lives at home was a boring, boring, movie.

BUT, the last 20-30 mins of the movie made it worth watching!

Wait for it to come out on cable.

Screaming

Written Sept 20th, 2010
Last night I was woken up from a dead sleep by S. yelling. 

It was so real, my earrings were ringing. I sat up straight in bed, realizing I am alone, and just heard him yell. I was shaking, upset, and scared to death.. I was terrified. That was the most frightened I have ever been in my whole life.

I couldn't get over the sound of his voice, almost like he was screaming? Unfortunately the jolt out of my sleep, made me forget what he said.. He said something like "This isn't right" or "Something is wrong", I can't remember exactly. I remember being confused about what isn't right?

I keep feeling like he is stuck somewhere between earth and heaven. Maybe he has unsettled business. Maybe that's what happens to a suicide victim.

But the fact that he is with me every night in my sleep is worry some. He should be up in heaven, doing his heavenly business, and not with me.

"If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will" - - Unknown