Anonymous blog posts

~ For my current blog postings, scroll down ~

Wait, What? is pleased to introduce -

Anonymous blog posts!

"What's this" you ask?

You see, YOU write a question, or scream, rant, happy, embarrassing, blog for me to post.

It can be a life secret. You can tell someone to fuck off. You can tell someone you are secretly in love with them. It can be ANYTHING you want it to be!!

I will post it on my blog - With no names attached.

I've found that I say "socially unacceptable things" such as I'm glad my husband is no longer here suicide or sex. And I need a safe place to say that, and I think all of you, can gain from that!

YOU, my friends, now have the opportunity to write WHATEVER you want, and I will gladly post it on my blog anonymously, and you can feel happy that you got it off your chest - with no one ever knowing who wrote it!!

If it makes you feel better to write it and share, then write it!

The blog will be posted the exact way you wrote it.

I am doing anonymous posts starting now until forever.

If you want to post anonymously, please email me your blog to freedomaway72710@yahoo.com

~ For my current blog postings, scroll down ~

Movie Review: We're The Millers

Last night I watched We're The Millers.

The movie is insanely funny. I laughed through the whole movie.

On the negative side - The suicide reference (The best way to kill yourself) I found insulting and tacky.

Even before I knew the devastation of my husband's suicide, I didn't find suicide funny.

Suicide isn't funny. Yet movie producers put it in movies, thinking it's funny.

Maybe some people find it funny. But to a suicide survivor, it's insulting.

I've been warned that Anchorman 2 has a failed suicide scene in it, so be warned.

Other than the suicide reference, We're The Millers was hilarious.

I give We're The Millers 4 stars out of 5. They lost a star due to the suicide reference.

Highly recommend, make sure to watch the outtakes at the end.

The light

Here's a little secret about me.. I wake up at 3:00am every morning to go pee. Doesn't matter if I climbed in bed at 2:00am, come 3:00am.. BAM I am awake and have to pee.

This morning at 3:00am (of course) I was slowly being woken by a light.. a light I was watching from behind my eyelids.

It was slowly growing brighter, slowly getting closer.. but I was in a deep sleep.. Suddenly my eyes shot open. The light I was viewing from behind my eye lids, shot across my bedroom light a giant shooting star.

My first thought was "WTF is someone doing with a flashlight in my backyard??"

I got up and let my dog into the backyard. After all if there was someone in my backyard.. they wouldn't stay long seeing the size of my dog, nor would my dog be quite about someone being in the yard.
When I let her out I watched her from behind my locked door. She went out, did her business, and was ready to come back inside. She didn't even huff at anything. I couldn't hear anything (you couldn't jump my fence quietly now matter how good you are).

I let her back inside and crawled back into bed. I couldn't stop thinking about the light. Since I had to get up for work at 4:00am anyway.. I decided to just get up and go to work.

Now that I have done my job duties and can sit down and relax.. the visions of the light keep coming back to me.

It was a bright white light. It had a ball in the front of it with a white (straight) tail behind it. Now that I can actually think about the light and process what happened without sleep in my brain.. I can't shake the way the light looked.

The light was in my room.. it seemed to slowly be moving towards me, until I woke up.. than it quickly shot a crossed my room and disappeared. Almost like it didn't want to be seen?

Now this isn't the first time I have been woken up at 3:00am by something weird. I often hear someone say my name. I have been woken by the feeling that I'm not alone to find a shadow standing in my bedroom. Weirdness always happens around 3:00am.

I have often chalked it up to.. I was dreaming.

But this light I can't ignore. It was there. In my room. I was fully awake and frightened.

It's times like this that I know I am never truly alone.

Maybe my husband is still with me after all.

Weirdness in My Land

There’s some weird energy in my life right now.

The other night, I got a frantic message from a co-worker that she had a dream about S.

The dream went as follows:

She was watching herself sleep (In the bedroom she has now), when S. walked in and walked up to her. He blew in her face and yelled “Wake up!” She sat up in bed, and he was rambling on. He was talking to fast and angry for her to understand. She told him to slow down, she didn’t understand. He grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her, and said “Fucking listen to me, this is important! I need you to watch M. really close. Especially at work. Watch every step she takes. I need you to take care of her and protect her, especially when she is driving away.” She then woke up.

The dream was so real, she was confused how she just woke up when in her dream she was already awake, and how S. was just standing in her bedroom, then was gone.

She said S. was very agitated, panicked, and in a rush.

I chalked it up to the recent car problems I have had (Details at the bottom) but decided to take extra precaution with driving. I have people run red lights on me probably twice a month, happens constantly, so I’m always watching, waiting for someone to run the light. I made a mental note to be careful driving, be careful driving drowsy (thanks insomnia), and to be careful because of my car problems.

 I seriously just thought my co-worker was worried about me because I was recently locked in my car with no way to escape.

This morning I had a dream that my friend texted me and said “S. is really pissed off, something is wrong!” When I got the text, I knew S. was dead.. and I knew he had been dead for a while, so I was confused by my friends message. I dialed my friend’s number, put the phone to my ear, then my alarm went off, waking me up.

I thought it was a weird dream. I planned on texting my friend later in the day and telling him about the dream, but first I had to get ready for work.

As I was getting ready for work, I heard my phone go off.. this is like 6:30am. The only person that texts that early is my boss. I checked my phone… and well, the friend I dreamed about had text me, had a dream about S. last night.

Here’s his dream:

So here is my dream as best as I can remember and some of it I don’t think makes much damn sense. Some of it is really clear, like I am clear about sitting at my desk right now, other parts are foggy and hazy like I can’t tell if they were real or what.

So it starts with S. and I sitting at what looks like a sports bar. It reminds me of the Bout Time by the E Center. We are sitting there at a tall table with two big beers in front of us. He is ranting about how I don’t understand how serious this is. I don’t have any idea what he is talking about but he is really irritated. I can’t tell if he is irritated with me or what he is ranting about. I had this sense though, which I really don’t have any idea about his size that he was much bigger than me. I know that sounds random but it was just a weird sense I got. Anyway, I was trying to calm him down so he would tell me what I didn’t understand and what was so serious. The felling I got is the same one I get when T. is ranting about something. He just goes off and I have to try and calm him down to get to whatever it is he is ranting about. Anyway, He just kept telling me that I didn’t understand how serious this was. So I sort of barked back at him that “ I got it” this is serious but what do you want me to fucking do. He said I have to take care of M. To look out for her and protect her. That he knew that I would always protect you. That he needed to be able to count on me. So I reassured him that I would but that he needed to tell me what the fuck the problem was. He just said again that I didn’t or maybe it was possibly that I wouldn’t, understand how serious it was. He got up and left and I asked him where he was going, that he hadn’t finished his beer and that I still didn’t understand. He looked at me and said “ yes you do” and that he knew I would take care of you….

Then things get fuzzy..this is the part that I can’t get a lock on so to speak..What is clear about this is you and I sitting on a bed in a strange house. The bed was one of those old time beds with the metal head and foot board. Anyway, we were running or hiding from someone or something. Not clear..but we were hiding in this house in this bedroom. I had my arm around you with your head in my chest and kept telling you that I would not let anything happen to you. That you would be safe. I was kissing the top of your head. You were crying and upset but I just kept telling you not to worry. I would never let anyone or maybe it was anything get you. Then a loud noise like a siren or something from down stairs went off and I woke up..

So it was weird. The S. part like I said was pretty damn clear. The you part was more fuzzy, dream like, ummm distant to some degree. But I had a very strong emotion about you when I woke up. I still don’t know what the warning was about but he was clear that he knew he could count on me to care for and look after you. Which is very true but I find strange given what has happened between us and that I have not been present in your life for the last 6 mos or so. So anyway, that was what I remember about my dream last night. I didn’t or don’t remember any other dreams or having any dreams for weeks for that matter.

When my friend told me about his dream, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. How is it possible I dreamed my friend texting me that, when my friend is having this dream about S. at almost the exact same time??

I’m on edge. Several people in my life are on edge. 

I had to do the one thing I hate doing. Reminding my mother that if something did happen to me, what I would want. I wouldn’t want to be paralyzed or left on machines. My mom hates these conversations, but without a spouse.. those duties fall to my parents, and I don’t want them to ever question what I would or wouldn’t want.

One thing that is repeating in all 3 dreams is S.’s agitation about the situation.

Something is amiss somewhere, and I can’t figure out what it is, what these signs are, or hell.. what to even do with the information.

For now I will be extra cautious with everything I do (lock the doors, don’t go out alone at night, be safe driving) and will be updating my will, yet again.

(Car details, this happened last week-While driving my 2005 VW Jetta the other day, the car started dinging at me, indicating that the driver’s side door was open. I pulled over (on the side of the freeway), went to open my door, only to find out I could not open the door. Nor could I roll down the window. I was locked inside of my car, on the side of the freeway!)

FYI Volkswagen is aware of the design flaw and has not recalled this part. So if you found this blog looking for reviews on Volkswagen, I say run to Honda.

Bucket List

My bucket list. Started 12/29/12.

Updated 7/17/13

Goals for 2013
- Spend a week in Mexico - Trip taken May 2013, was a little too much fun!!
- Take a trip to Lake Tahoe with my bestie. This is no longer a priority or goal in my life.
- Get a boob job (Yep, I went there).
- Buy myself something nice for the 3 year (death) anniversary - July 2013.
- Finish losing the last couple of inches I want to lose. Accomplished June 2013, thanks mono and anxiety!
- Cut my hair off and donate it, again.
- Take a vacation - alone. - Possibly happening July-August 2013
- Have a day where I wake up and my first thought isn't "My husband is dead".
- Focus on the people that love me. Currently working on as of 7/2013

- Leave the people behind that bring drama, hurt and pain into my life. Currently working on as of 7/2013

Goals for 2014
- Go back to school for a degree in ____ unknown at this time.

Goals for a unknown date
- Get married in Paris or Mexico (Gotta find the "one" first).
- Plan my future with "the one".
- Dive to see the Christ statue in San Fruttuoso, Italy.. See it here!
- Practice scuba diving so I can handle the 60 foot dive to see the Christ Statue.
- Visit the El Hotel del Salto in Colombia.See it here!

Suicide Search

Someone found my blog by searching the internet with “Every day I wake up thinking of suicide.”

When I started this blog I knew that someone in despair might find it. That someone, somewhere would feel the need to type those words into a search engine.  

My brain knew this would happen eventually, but my heart never let me believe it.  

Finding out that someone read my blog by searching the word "suicide” has left me shattered.

It scares me. It leaves me feeling that someone out there thinks suicide is the only answer.

It pains me to know there is someone out there that needs help, but I can't help since I have no way of knowing who this person is.

Through my pain I want to share what suicide has done to my life. So if someone searches “Every day I wake up thinking of suicide” they will hopefully find this blog, or find me.

I lost my life to suicide.

I did not lose my physical life or body to suicide. I lost something worse than that.

I lost my best friend, companion, soul mate, and reason for living.

I lost my husband to suicide.

The one thing I never thought I would lose.

My husband’s suicide ended his mental suffering (or so I assume), but it did not end his pain. Instead, his suicide pushed his pain onto everyone who loved him.  I can’t count how many people now suffer from the pain of his suicide.

I know my husband could not see any other option. He had reached the end of his rope with doctors and treatment.

But I firmly believe my husband had no idea how badly he was going to hurt me. Maybe he couldn't see past his pain to think about the pain he was going to cause others. But I know for a fact if my husband knew how devastated I would be, and still am, he would not have killed himself.

His suicide tore me to shreds. His suicide tore my soul out of my body. It shattered my life. It shattered my family and his family. It shattered his friends and my friends.

Suicide shattered our hopes and dreams.

It took away my reason for living. I almost paid the ultimate price for my husband’s suicide. I considered taking my own life.

I gave up on living. The only way I could think of moving on from this horrendous pain was suicide.

But, because I saw what my husband’s suicide did to my family I realized I could never do that to them. My only choice was to keep living. Well, not just live, but be alive and fight the urge to die.  To move on without my husband the best I can.

To the person that found my blog I have this to say - I wish you would have reached out to me. I wish I could have told you how completely devastating suicide has been to me.

I wish I could have begged you to get help. I wish I could have told you that it does get better. Sure, maybe you need some treatment, more than I can give you, but you can get better.

You are not alone.

Your suicide will shatter and devastate more people than you will ever understand. You do not leave this world alone. You might be alone physically when you choose to end your life but you will take your friends and family with you. 

We don't know what happens to us after this life. Sure, we have religion and our beliefs, which give us hope there is more after this life.  But we don’t truly know what happens.

How do you know suicide will end your pain? How do you know you won’t continue to feel the pain after you kill yourself? Then what?

How do we know we are not stuck between heaven and earth?  Or sent back to earth to learn this lesson over? How do you know that you are not forced to see the pain of your friends and family for all eternity?

How do you know your suicide will not cause more suicides because those who were closest to you can’t deal with their loss?

I've heard a lot of people say “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” My husband’s problem was not temporary. But neither was his death. His problem lasted three years before it took his life. 

But his life is over now. There is no going back.  My husband died at 31 years old.

He will never see another rainbow. He will never hit the slopes on his snowboard. He will never go camping, jet-skiing, work or have a hot meal with me after a long day. He will never sit on the beach with me. We can never jump on a plane and go play somewhere tropical. He can't watch me grow and change, and he can't be there in my last days on this earth. He can't hold my hand as I grow old and frail. He can't have children and watch them grow. He will not see his parents age, and he will never feel the warmth of the sun.

He is forever gone. There is no do-over. There is no reset button. There is just death.

So for the person that stumbled onto my blog, I pray you are still out there. I pray you read this blog, and I pray you realize your pain is not yours alone.

I pray you ask for help.

Asking for help does not make you weak. It means you are courageous.  And through that courage you can find the help and desire to live.

Dear Bipolar

Dear Bipolar,

I am writing you this letter 1,622 days since you came into my life and stole my sweet husband’s soul.

This letter will reach you 908 days after you physically took my husband from me.

Since you have done this to so many peoples life’s, you probably don’t remember me. I will try to refresh your memory.

1,622 days ago, you came into my life, uninvited. You were not invited in, I know I did not leave a door or window open, yet suddenly you were there. You stepped into my husband’s soul, turned my amazing and vibrant husband into a depressed, angry, anxiety ridden, empty shell of a person.

You caused my amazingly bright and creative husband to see dead people, hear voices, and caused him to think about suicide daily. Your voice was in my husband’s head. You ridiculed him at every turn. “You’re not good enough” you said.

You took the sparkle out of his eye.

You took the pep out of his walk.

You took away his smile. How could you take away that amazing smile??

You took away his trust and faith in the world around him, causing him to think the world was after him.

You even made my husband think I was out to harm him.

You entered our life when we were just getting started. You see, we were happy. We didn't need YOU. Yet, you kept working on my husband. Bit by bit, destroying him.

908 days ago, you put a gun to my husband’s head and took him away from me.

Left me widowed at 29 years old.

When I am angry about my husband’s suicide, I blame you.

My husband would have never killed himself. But you were happy to do it.

Bipolar, I hate everything about you.

I hate your games, your mania, your depression, your psychosis, even your name. Bipolar = Two polar opposites. Did you leave something out when you created your name? I think you did.

Because of you, I do not get to see my “happy ending”. I do not get to live to be old with my husband. We will never have children or fulfill our dreams and goals.

Bipolar, your day is coming. I might not live to see that day. But your days are numbered.

A cure is coming.

It might be in the form of a pill, a shot, surgery, or hell.. maybe even a microchip.

When I get to the other side, my first duty is to get rid of you.

I will not let you destroy another person. I will not let you destroy another family.

Mark my words, your days are coming to an end.

And I will be watching, with my husband’s arms around me, with a huge bowl of popcorn and a huge beer when it all comes crashing down.

And guess what? 

Fuck you Bipolar!

Sincerely,

M

(If you or someone you know suffers from mental illness (Including if you have a parent that is mentally ill but you are not, they want to study YOU), PLEASE consider organ donation to the Harvard Brain Bank <-- click="click" font="font" here.="here.">

They are trying to find a cure for mental illness, but need organ donation.

My husband wanted his brain donated to the Harvard Brain Bank, unfortunately I could not fulfill that wish.

Please help with the research and study of mental illness for future generations.)

Movie Review: The Words

The words, Ah.. I don't even know how to right how much I loved this movie.

Was amazing! I highly Recommend it!

Five Stars!

What goes around comes around

Karma is a bitch.

One day it will come full circle, and I'm glad I can stand tall and look at myself in the mirror every morning.

When the day comes, I won't have to answer to god or my deceased husband for my actions.

Christmas 2012

As Christmas is upon me, I have been thinking of Christmas past.

Every year S. and I gave each other an ornament. We would open it on Christmas eve and hang them on the tree together.

One year we gave each other the same ornament. We just sat and laughed. I learned not to buy ornaments from Hallmark anymore, for the risk of buying S. the same ornament he bought me.

One year S. bought me a TV and DVD player for my craft studio. I was highly disappointed, as I really wanted a certain bracelet. I tried to not let my disappointment show, but I think it showed.

At about 2am S. got into the closet, and pulled out a box.

I knew from the shape of the box, that it was the bracelet I had hoped for.

Before I could open it, I sat and cried, feeling like an asshole. He got a good laugh out of making me think he just got me the TV/DVD player and played that out ALL day long.

We always did stockings for each other, and we would hide them. A lot of the time we spent Christmas morning trying to find our hidden stocking. One year S. searched for over an hour for his stocking, through his frustrating said "Just tell me where it is". "Silly, it's where you put wet stuff to dry it".

The dryer. The only place he hadn't looked. Ironically he had already looked in the washer, but for some reason skipped over the dryer.

This Christmas has been hard. I miss the traditions we had.

I miss waking up to him Christmas morning, jumping on the bed, and screaming "Santa came, get up!".

This year I feel blessed. I got the bracelet I hoped for (Was pretty shocked that I got it!). Santa really is magical.

Got an amazing necklace from my brother and his GF

I love the black and white diamonds

Got a power washer / steamer  that I thought i would never want until I had to spray the whole outside of my house off this summer.

Got a sound bar so I don't have to turn my TV up full blast, my very own pair of bowling shoes (That are insanely cute). Socks, candy, clothes. You name it.

My friends and family spoiling me like you wouldn't believe.

For me, the gifts I gave this year were small in a financial matter. But I am happy that I was able to get the people I love something, and more then anything just spend my Christmas with people that love me.

Some days I feel cursed and that the life I was handed it a crock of shit. (Today is one of those crock of shit days!)

But Christmas day, I am thankful for the love and support from my family and friends.

While life hands me a full hand of problems, it also hands me a full hand and heart of people that love me.

For that, I know I will survive.

All my love and Christmas blessings,
M.

Purple Christmas tree that was at the outlet stores in Lehi, UT

How to treat a Lady

How to Treat a Girl Lady
1.Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

2. Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out. 

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it. 

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did. 

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it... 

10. Not all of them eat like birds, alot of them can eat like whales. 

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy. 

11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time! 

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the s**t out of him.

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back. 

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals. 

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like s**t, so be understanding.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. 

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

26. Memorize their god damned birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life. 

27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. 

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out. 

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, priviledge and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

- Unknown

Not to mention, we know people in high places!

Movie Review: Safety is not guaranteed

Safety is not guaranteed sucked, sucked and SUCKED!!

Redbox - I want my $1 back!

What am I thankful for?

While everyone is posting what they are thankful for on facebook, I thought I would share mine here. For my stalkers fans.

First, and most importantly, I am so thankful I am not spending Thanksgiving with my in laws. 

SO THANKFUL! 

S. never really liked spending time with his family. I always encouraged it saying "Life is too short, you never know when this is your last holiday together".

Honestly, I see why he didn't want to spend time with his family.

I get it.

And S. - I'm sorry for encouraging you to spend time with them.

I am thankful for my family. I don't know where I would be without them. 

Honestly, I know where I would be. I would be dead. I would have taken my own life by now.

Seeing what S.'s suicide did to my family, is the only thing that got me through my roughest times. I couldn't do that to my family.

I am especially thankful for my mom. Most times my mom doesn't know how to help me, but she TRIES. Unlike a lot of people in my life. At least my mom gives a damn and tries. My mom is my best friend, and I swear to budda, we are soul sista's.

My brother is amazing. He is my secret body guard, that would kick the shit out of anyone that messes with me. I remember when he was born. I was so pissed off at my mom for not giving me a sister. She brought home a brother. What kind of shit is that?! I am thankful for my brother. If he was a sister, I probably would have shanked him by now.

My dad is loving and supportive, in his own, shy, way. I love my dad. I'm pretty sure I am his favorite daughter. I feel bad for any dude that ever physically hurts his daughter, because the dude won't have a chance to make it to prison before my dad gets his hands on him.

I am thankful for my best friend, Jenny. When S. died, she was there through it all. We sat on my porch for probably a good 6 months straight after he died. She didn't understand what I was going through, but was there, none the less. I know no matter what, I can depend on her. And I am forever in-debt to her. I hope I never get the chance to pay her back.

I am thankful for the life S. and I had together. The love we shared.

The lessons S.'s love taught me. 

And the lessons his death has taught me. 

Then I am thankful for being alive. I do have mornings when I wake up, roll over, and think "Are you fucking kidding me? How am I still alive??" Even though life sucks balls sometimes, I am thankful I am alive, and get to live this life with people that love me.

I am thankful for food on the table, a lil cash in my wallet, a car, a good job, and roof over my head.

I am thankful for coffee. Especially with cinnabun creamer.

I am thankful for lip gloss. And make up. And cute clothes. My dogs. Glitter. My cell phone - aka - grand central station. Naps. A full nights sleep. Snow. Lilies. And spring.

I am thankful for having the internets in my home. Where I can read and research as much as I want, without having to worry about the consequences of my actions. I think we take this luxury for granite. There are countries that have facebook blocked. 

I am thankful that I don't live in a country where widows are shunned and forced to live a life alone and in misery. Some cutlers – widows are killed, simply because their husband died. 

I am thankful for my widow friends. Oh, how they have helped me through the most trying times. Especially times that “none widowed” people don't understand. I am thankful that they are always a call, text, email, or click away.

I am thankful that S. and I did not successfully conceive a child, even though we tried.

There, I said IT. 

I am happy we didn't have child together, and I am thankful that I don't have to try to explain to my child what happened to his/her dad. Seeing my suicide widows struggle with telling their child the honest to god truth about their dad, is gut wrenching. How do you explain to a child that their dad chose to leave this life?

I am thankful for Steve Madden's shoes. Guess. Juicy Couture. Bubble baths and hot running water. My fucking amazing bed!

I am thankful that I have a boss that understands when I call him and say - I need a break, I'm not coming to work. In turn, I am thankful for vacation pay. Where I can take time off as I please, and still get paid.

I am thankful for the 10 years I did have with S. I wouldn't trade anything for that time. Even if it meant I could trade my pain for that 10 years.. I wouldn't do it. I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

A friend posted this, and I am stealing it. It rang so true, and I never thought about how I love being independent, and alone.

I am thankful that I have the life skills to live an independent life. If I want to live somewhere, I do it, If I want to travel, I go, If I want something, I buy it. I don't have to discuss, argue or barter with another person to have any of my needs and wants met. That being said, I know firsthand when you are in a good relationship none of that matters. I also know when you are in a bad relationship that it is all that matters. So since I am in neither I will say I am grateful that I am free to live and run my life the way I want and if I ever meet someone else, he better respect that!

Most of all, I am thankful that this Thanksgiving, I am thankful. Being thankful is something that was ripped away from me. Years past, I didn't have anything to be thankful for, other then - I'm glad S. didn't kill me too.

This year, I am thankful just to be thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Movie Review: The Campaign

Long story short, I am disappointed with The Campaign.

Will Ferrell is far funnier then the movie portrays.

But smack my ass funny moment -
I shaved the dog and glued the fur to my nut sack, so I would look like a grown man.

2012 twinkies are going out of business-
And the movie even had twinkies in it! 20 years from now, "kids" are going to say - "What the fuck is that big, yellow, nasty looking thing, that he is sucking on??"

2 stars

Movie Review: Paranormal Activity 4

Paranormal Activity 4 was horrible.

It wasn't scary. At.All.

It got scary the last 10 minutes the abruptly ended.

The first Paranormal Activity 4 was the best yet.

Wait for it to come out on cable.
Don't waste your money or anticipation.

Movie Review: That's My Boy

"That's my boy" is insanely funny!

I love the part that the groom comes home from his bachelor party, kicks his shoes off, as they make a huge thud sound on the floor.
He then bends over and says "Shh.." to his shoes! I died laughing!
I'm going to do that to my shoes next time I come home shit faced.

Probably one of the funniest movies I have seen this year.

I highly recommend watching it, but it's not for kids. And kids I mean 18 years and younger.

Bravo!

Movie Review: The Sessions

I went to the pre-screening for The Sessions last night.

The friend I went with wrote this review, said I could steal it. He puts it perfectly!!

The Sessions was one of the most touchingly sweet movies I've seen recently.  A man stricken with polio and confined to an iron lung has the chance to change his life by working with a sex surrogate.   It was by turns sweet, awkward, sincere, heartbreaking, and above all, imbued with a sense of humor about life’s challenges and rewards.  Bring some tissues!

The only thing I want to add is seeing Helen Hunt totally nude was a shock to me. But she looks good!
Warning, there is a lot of nudity.

5 stars!!

Report Card

I had a dream about S.

It goes -
I was getting in the shower, and he comes into the bathroom.
He says "Do you have my report card?"
I say "What report card?"

"You know, the one that showed I had a 4.0 and was graduating a year early?"

Me "No, I didn't keep that."
S. "Why?"
Me "Because you are dead, why would I have kept it?"
S. "Because I wanted it!!"
Me "You are DEAD! What in the hell do you need your report card for?"

To which S. looks at me like I am insane.

I then wake up.

I will never forget December 23rd, 2010.
I was supposed to be watching S. graduate college a year early with a 4.0.

Instead I was facing the fact that he took his own life, and facing my first Christmas without him.

PS: If he asks about his report card, I still have no idea what he is talking about. Please explain to him he doesn't need a report card in heaven.

Hurricane Sandy

I have a confession to make.

Hurricane Sandy has me worried sick about my widow friends.

Sure, I have friends that are in Sandy's path, but they aren't ALONE. They have their husband!

I am just sick - watching and waiting for my widow friends (and their children) to reappear online so I know they are safe.

Now I feel guilty. Sure I am worried about my married friends, but I am worried sick about my widow friends.

I'm a shitty friend to be worried more about my widow friends then my "normal" friends.

I freak out with lighting and thunder, I can't imagine going through a storm like Sandy alone.
I can't imagine being hunkered down, in my house, alone, waiting for this shit to pass!!

Widow friends - I love you.
Please check in when you can!